Off-Topic Joke Thread

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO LIKE TO BAKE…

JOSE CUERVO CHRISTMAS COOKIES


Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies


1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again,
to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok,
try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl
and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters
just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.

Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window,
finish the Cose Juervo and make sure
to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas
 
U HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon . from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'



Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it.
 
What a novel concept……………..



A woman goes to the doctor with severe bruises and lacerations....



Doctor: "What happened?"





Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."





Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."





Two weeks later, the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.





Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"



Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
 
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