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Off-Topic Joke Thread

A man owned a small farm in Vermont. The Vermont Labor Board claimed he was underpaying his help, so they sent an agent down to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand -- I pay him $200 per week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here a bit more than a year and I pay her $150 every week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours per day and does about 90% of the work.

He makes $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.

And, once in a while, he's pretty sociable with my wife."

"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," says the agent.

"You're talking to him," replied the farmer.

h/t AceofSpadesHQ
 
Brian Williams Drops Claim He Was Beheaded by Al Qeada

NEW YORK – NBC news anchor Brian Williams has publicly dropped his claim that he was personally beheaded by al Qaeda in Iraq, saying he had misremembered the event.

Williams, known as ‘The Most Trusted NBC Nightly News Anchor in America’ has admitted, “I was never captured by al Qaeda in Iraq in May 2004, nor murdered by AQI leader Abu Musab al Zarqawi” in a notorious propaganda video.

Though Williams had been making the claim for over a decade, it had not received any scrutiny until a recent comment he made on the execution of Jordanian pilot Lt. Muath al-Kaseasbeh.

During an evening broadcast last week, Williams said, “I can image what [Kaseasbeh] went through, because I remember when I had my head sawn off in Fallujah by al Qaeda [in Iraq], and how horrible that was.”

Critics have charged Williams with appropriating the story of former hostage Nick Berg, pointing out that Williams was nowhere near Iraq on that date, and was in Washington DC accepting an honorary degree from Catholic University. His defenders have claimed the two events probably felt the same.

Meanwhile, critics are examining other past statements of Williams, such as his claim last year to have been killed on 9/11.

“Looking at this now historic footage of the twisted remains of downtown Manhattan, it’s hard to remember all our fellow citizens who suffered through this ordeal twelve years ago. It’s even hard for me, and I remember being crushed to death by tons of concrete in the South Tower,” Williams said in a 9/11 anniversary broadcast.

NBC has already announced plans to conduct an internal investigation of Williams, and has already begun quietly pulling other suspect claims, like Williams’ tearful confession in 2012 that he was having affairs with both Paula Broadwell and David Petraeus.

Some members of the U.S. military have condemned Williams’ statements. Wassef Ali Hassoun, a former Marine Corporal who lied about being taken hostage in Iraq, said Williams had unjustly drawn attention away from his own false claims, which should take precedence.

Williams, a longtime supporter of the U.S. military, read out a public apology on the air Thursday evening.

“This was part of a bungled attempt by me to thank our nation’s veterans, who put their lives on the line for us every single day. It makes me feel even worse than the time ISIS locked me in a cage and burned me alive.”

In related news, the Army has indefinitely delayed action on the silver star Williams was nominated for as a result of the incident, according to a spokesman for Army Secretary John McHugh.
 
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A husband went to the police station to report his missing wife:

Husband : I've lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

Sergeant : What is her height ?

Husband : Oh, 5 something, maybe 5.5

Sergeant : Build?

Husband : Not slim, not really fat, but could lose a few.

Sergeant : Color of eyes?

Husband : Dark. Not sure - maybe Brown.

Sergeant : Color of hair?

Husband : Changes according to season - lightish brown now .

Sergeant : What was she wearing?

Husband : I don't remember exactly but she wears jeans a lot.

Sergeant : Did she go in a car?

Husband : yes.

Sergeant : What kind of car was it?

Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and Black leather GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door near the....... at this point the husband started crying...

Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We'll find your car.
 
A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,


'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
 
Woman Shot In Her Own Driveway

Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.
 
Don't try to outwit geezers.....

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic - Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000 so he went to Doctor Geezer's clinic. This is what transpired:
Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: --- "Aaagh, this is gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh no you don't, that's gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
 
Nag, nag,nag...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. and on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?! '
 
Orwzcg4.jpg
 
Garage Door:
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

***************************************************************************************************

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

*************************************************************************************************

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

**********************************************************************************************

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

*******************************************************************************************

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

******************************************************************************************

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

******************************************************************************************
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
 
His and her diaries....
***********************

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too. "

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

A two-foot putt .. who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
 
Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for the flight.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as people think.
 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive young woman waving at him. She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your girlfriend whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
 
Poor Iowa Cow.........

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She said that he should resist any request from the farmer to pay for the animal, but she said, you killed it, so if they have to have money, it will come out of your pocket! She stayed in the car making phone calls. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me.

"What did you say to them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
 
Couldn't Resist!!!


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to take her time and browse.Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local WalMart.
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: He set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to thewomen's restroom.
4. July 19: He walked up to an employee and told her in an officialvoice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.' This caused theemployee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved,causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: He went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag ofchips.
6. August 14: He moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: He set up a tent in the camping department and told thechildren shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows andblankets from the bedding department – to which twenty childrenobliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he begancrying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: He looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, heasked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: He darted around the Store suspiciously while loudlyhumming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: He hid in a clothing rack and when people browsedthrough, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. October 30: He took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. November 12: He went into a fitting room, shut the door, waitedawhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper inhere.'One of the Staff passed out.
 
Subject: Fw: Halloween



A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
 
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