Off-Topic Joke Thread
- Thread starter Wrench97
- Start date
One Hell Of A Day
One Hell of a Day
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says,menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, hell, enough about me. How are you doing?"
One Hell of a Day
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says,menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, hell, enough about me. How are you doing?"
Speaking of light-bulbs.....
How many forum-members does it take to change a light-bulb?
One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
Five to flame the spell checkers.
Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
Another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.
Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."
Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.
AND
One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with something unrelated they found at snopes.com and start it all over again
How many forum-members does it take to change a light-bulb?
One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
Five to flame the spell checkers.
Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
Another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.
Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."
Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.
AND
One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with something unrelated they found at snopes.com and start it all over again
Bored? No hobbies to keep you busy?
:LMAO:PS - Some of us fit into multiple categories you know.
...conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.
Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Site: (.... total silence)
Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Site: (.... total silence)
The Barter System...
Ammo is getting scarce! But this morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?”
I thought for a few seconds and asked,
“What kind of ammo ‘ya got?”
Ammo is getting scarce! But this morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?”
I thought for a few seconds and asked,
“What kind of ammo ‘ya got?”
A plane is on its way to Toronto when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." And gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Toronto."
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." And gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Toronto."
SUBJECT: Pregnant at 71?
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the
younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming
as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the
problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor
was writing on his clipboard.
"What is the matter with you" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71
years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told
her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without even looking up said...
"Does she still have the hiccups.....?"
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the
younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming
as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the
problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor
was writing on his clipboard.
"What is the matter with you" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71
years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told
her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without even looking up said...
"Does she still have the hiccups.....?"
Thanks for a funny joke I can share with family members and get a good laugh...
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?"
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House,
Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?"
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House,
Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all married men have, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all married men have, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"
> My
> wife
> found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could
> hardly hear, so she took
> it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the
> problem was hair in
> the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and
> the dog could then hear
> fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea
> that, if she wanted to
> keep this from recurring, she should go to the
> store and get some
> "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the
> dog's ears once a month.
>
>
>
> Andrea
>
> went to the store and bought some
> "Nair" hair remover.
>
>
>
> At the
>
> register, the pharmacist told her, "If
> you're going to use this
> under your arms, don't use deodorant for a
> few days."
>
>
>
> Andrea
>
> said, "I'm not using it under my
> arms."
>
>
> The
> pharmacist said, "If you're using it on
> your legs, don't use body
> lotion for a couple of days."
>
>
> Andrea
>
> replied, "I'm not using it on my legs
> either. If you must know, I'm
> using it on my Schnauzer."
>
>
> The
> pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your
> bicycle for about a
> week."
>
> wife
> found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could
> hardly hear, so she took
> it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the
> problem was hair in
> the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and
> the dog could then hear
> fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea
> that, if she wanted to
> keep this from recurring, she should go to the
> store and get some
> "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the
> dog's ears once a month.
>
>
>
> Andrea
>
> went to the store and bought some
> "Nair" hair remover.
>
>
>
> At the
>
> register, the pharmacist told her, "If
> you're going to use this
> under your arms, don't use deodorant for a
> few days."
>
>
>
> Andrea
>
> said, "I'm not using it under my
> arms."
>
>
> The
> pharmacist said, "If you're using it on
> your legs, don't use body
> lotion for a couple of days."
>
>
> Andrea
>
> replied, "I'm not using it on my legs
> either. If you must know, I'm
> using it on my Schnauzer."
>
>
> The
> pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your
> bicycle for about a
> week."
>
YRCW Stock Update 01/28/15
Previous Close $17.43
Open----------- $17.50
Low------------ $15.97
High----------- $17.50
Close---------- $16.13
Down--------- $1.30
Volume-------- 847,377
Mustache
www.scottrade.com
http://www.nasdaq.com/symbol/yrcw/after-hours
Previous Close $17.43
Open----------- $17.50
Low------------ $15.97
High----------- $17.50
Close---------- $16.13
Down--------- $1.30
Volume-------- 847,377
Mustache
www.scottrade.com
http://www.nasdaq.com/symbol/yrcw/after-hours
twisted-hippie
Twisted Herb Plantation CEO
- Credits
- 153
No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the
Washington Redskins, this is funny. This guy is hilarious. Here is an
e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an
article he published concerning a name change for the Washington
Redskins.
Dear Mr. Page:
I agree with our Native American population. I am highly
insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington
Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional
football team after Native Americans would exalt them as
fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to
offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and
courtesy, we must move forward.
Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta
Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are
in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins
makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of
the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the
memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone.
It's offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you
see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There
is no room for any reference to that tragic war that
cost this country so many young men's lives.
I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic
religion among our sports team names. Totally
inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los
Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who
***** and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible
Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay
Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong
message to our children. The San Diego Chargers
promote irresponsible fighting or even spending
habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote
obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our
children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong
message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers.
Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our
children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation
that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the
government will likely become involved with this issue, as
they should. Just the kind of thing the
do-nothing Congress loves.
As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of
this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to
change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic
teams to something other than "the Beavers
(especially when they play Southern California. Do we really
want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???)
I always love your articles and I generally agree with
them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they
change the name to the “Foreskins” to better represent
their community, paying tribute to the *********s in
Congress
Washington Redskins, this is funny. This guy is hilarious. Here is an
e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an
article he published concerning a name change for the Washington
Redskins.
Dear Mr. Page:
I agree with our Native American population. I am highly
insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington
Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional
football team after Native Americans would exalt them as
fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to
offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and
courtesy, we must move forward.
Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta
Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are
in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins
makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of
the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the
memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone.
It's offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you
see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There
is no room for any reference to that tragic war that
cost this country so many young men's lives.
I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic
religion among our sports team names. Totally
inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los
Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who
***** and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible
Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay
Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong
message to our children. The San Diego Chargers
promote irresponsible fighting or even spending
habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote
obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our
children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong
message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers.
Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our
children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation
that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the
government will likely become involved with this issue, as
they should. Just the kind of thing the
do-nothing Congress loves.
As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of
this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to
change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic
teams to something other than "the Beavers
(especially when they play Southern California. Do we really
want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???)
I always love your articles and I generally agree with
them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they
change the name to the “Foreskins” to better represent
their community, paying tribute to the *********s in
Congress