Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked me why, I replied,

    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.....
     
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  2. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
    The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
    I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.
     
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  3. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
    The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
    When you are over seventy, who gives a :crap:
     
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  4. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    [​IMG]
    Cowboy says, "Give me three packets of condoms, please."
    Cashier asks, "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
    Cowboy says, "Nah. She's purty good lookin'."
     
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  5. mud

    mud Wonderin'

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  6. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The doctor took the husband in first.

    The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

    He checked his blood pressure and other things then said he was going to check with the wife.

    He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.

    Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

    She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction. Then he said - "Ok, good - you can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband".

    The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either"
     
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  7. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
    Female....... Any part under a car's hood.
    Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
    Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
    Male..... Playing football without a cup.
    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
    Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
    Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
    4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
    Female...... A desire to get married and raise a family.
    Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
    Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
    Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
    Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
    Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
    7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
    Female....... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
    Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
    Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
    Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
    AND
    He said....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
    She said.... You wear pants don't you?
    He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
    She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
    He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
    She said .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
    He said..... Why aremarriedwomen heavier thansinglewomen?
    She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
     
  8. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Cough syrup


    The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk: "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"

    The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.

    I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative".

    The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts:

    "You idiot, you can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives"!

    The clerk calmly responds:

    "Of course you can, look at him, he's afraid to cough."
     
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  9. Big Dave

    Big Dave Dispatcher for Team BRG-Wong

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    Infamous TB members Pilot87, Flounder, ESP, Silly Goose and Big Dave were at a Hollywood movie theater. The manager greeted them and asked who would like to be First to see the new Star Wars movie. All of them raised their hand. Except Big Dave.
    Cuz he's LAST. :lmao:

    But he may be First to get kicked outta Stimpy's Joke thread...:732:
     
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  10. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Headlines that should have been proofread....


    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
     
  11. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  12. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  13. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  14. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  15. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  16. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  17. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  18. mud

    mud Wonderin'

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  19. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    What a girl!

    A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.

    She was awake, so he examined her.

    "You'll be fine," he said.

    She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

    The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

    "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

    He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.

    It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
     
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  20. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Be discreet

    Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz lost $500 on a single hand. He clutched his chest and dropped dead at the table.


    Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued to play.. standing up. Finkelstein looked around and asked, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

    They drew straws, and Goldberg picked the short one.

    They told him, "Be discreet, be gentle, and don’t make a bad situation any worse."

    "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.

    Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

    Goldberg went to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocked on the door.

    The wife answered and asked what he wanted.

    Goldberg said, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

    "Tell him to drop dead!" replied the wife.

    "I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.
     
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