Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    STRESS


    [​IMG]

    You pick up a hitchhiker... A beautiful girl.
    Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and you take her to the hospital.
    Now that's stressful


    [​IMG]

    But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father.
    You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.
    This is getting very stressful!


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    You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

    [​IMG]

    After the tests are completed,
    the doctor says the test shows you're infertile,
    and probably have been since birth.
    You're extremely stressed but relieved.


    [​IMG]

    On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.

    [​IMG]
     
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  2. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher."

    The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."


    A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

    The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.

    The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking; what have you been doing?"

    The blonde says "I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.


    Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one

    eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"


    A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

    "Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

    "Ten," said Buffy.

    So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"

    "Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."


    A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail.

    Our blonde friend was stuck again.

    The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.

    The neighbor then suggested that she measure the horses for height.

    When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one


    Blonde Interview

    The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?"

    The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
     
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  3. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Two blonde girls walk into a department store.

    They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

    Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it,

    "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?"


    Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?"


    "Viens a moi," replies Nancy.


    "Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"


    At this stage the store clerk offers some help.

    "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French."


    Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks,

    "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"
     
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  4. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Blonde guy


    A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

    "What’s up?" he says.
    "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

    He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Dennis’s hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

    The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

    "You rotten sob," says the husband, "My wife's having a heart attack
    and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
     
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  5. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland

    1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
    2..
    FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
    3.
    FORM A LOOSE GRIP
    4.
    KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
    5.
    STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
    6.
    TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
    7.
    IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG,
    LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
    8.
    DON'T STAND DIRECTLY
    IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
    9.
    QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS
    ARE PREPARING.
    10.
    DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
    WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
    GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
     
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  6. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Doc visit


    A woman walks into her doctor’s office, scared about the strange development recently to the inside of her thighs... a green spot on the inside of each. They won’t wash off, they won’t scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

    The doctor assures her he’ll get to the bottom of this, and that she needn’t worry until tests come back.

    He sends her home.
    A few days later, the woman’s phone rings.
    Much to her relief, it’s the doctor.
    She immediately begs to know, what’s going on with these spots?

    ”You’re perfectly healthy—there’s no problem.
    But I’m wondering: is your husband a Harley guy?” the doctor asks.
    ”Yes—how did you know?”

    ”Tell him his earrings aren’t real gold
     
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  7. mud

    mud Wonderin'

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  8. mud

    mud Wonderin'

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  9. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe ...before you start looking like a mental patient.My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.
    I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

    My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon


    and I'm worried about the 195 lbs I've gained since then.I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.
    Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

    The speed with which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" ....
    ... is inversely proportional to the severity of the crap storm that's coming.

    Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.'
    If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday ... your life sucks!

    If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need ...
    ... not all this, "How did you get into my house" business!

    The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today.
    Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

    On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week.
    Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.
    This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

    I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor".

    I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

    What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?

    The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married ....
    Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara ....... and, of course, Opie-- all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

    Money can't buy happiness but it keeps the kids in touch!
     
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  10. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    I finally found it!

    Just outside of Harrisburg, PA.


    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]


    I really found it!

    Somehow I just always knew it was out there...somewhere.

    Now if I only could find my paddle…..
     
  11. othertrucker2001

    othertrucker2001 Professional Flummoxer

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    [​IMG]
     
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  12. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

    A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

    Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

    The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.

    Whose funeral is it?”

    “My husband’s.” replied the woman.

    “What happened to him?”

    The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”

    She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”

    The woman answered, “My mother-in-law.

    She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”

    A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

    “Can I borrow the dog?”



    The woman replied “Get in line.”






    A Woman’s Prayer:

    Dear Lord, I pray for:

    Wisdom: To understand a man.

    Love: To forgive him and;

    Patience: For his moods.

    Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength

    I’ll just beat him to death.
     
  13. mud

    mud Wonderin'

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  14. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Canadian Healthcare
    Who said that the health care inCanada was not up to par?
    A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes tothe doctor and says "I feelterrible."
    The doctor examines him and then says:
    “You need to pee and put it in abucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rottencabbage. Put a towel over your head and inhale thevapors for three days."
    The Muslim does this and goesback to the doctor 2 weeks later and says, "I feelwonderful! what was wrong with me ?"
    The doctor replied, "You werehomesick."
     
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  15. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

    One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
    And the third man chimed in, 'So am I.. Let's have a beer.'



    :guiness:
     
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  16. othertrucker2001

    othertrucker2001 Professional Flummoxer

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    Hearing loss does have its benefits.
     
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  17. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    My question in this case should be simple, but, there may be nuances that only your can answer.
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Is this statuetory rape?Or is it just a moosedemeanor?
     
  18. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Night Nurse


    A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.


    Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.


    When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:


    'Well, that's great....that's just great....Some :censored:'s got my pen!'
     
  19. mud

    mud Wonderin'

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  20. mud

    mud Wonderin'

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