Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. Brian Junior

    Brian Junior DOFT $50M ICO!!!

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    Where the do
    Where the dog goes, when it loses it's tail?
    To the retailer)))
     
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  2. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    Back when my kids were in school, they were always bringing friends home.
    One day my son brought home this smart alec kid I'll never forget!
    They were outside playing, I was standing in the bath room, door open and shaving
    this kid walks up, looks at my razor and says " my dad has two of those"
    I pick up my tooth paste, " my dad has two of those"
    Pick up my tooth brush, same thing " my dad has two of those"
    I was getting real irritated now,
    I steped to the toilet started to take a leak I said I guess your dad has two of those?
    he said NO, but he has one that will make two of that one.
    Think that won't cut you to the quick? Never will forget that kid.
     
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  3. othertrucker2001

    othertrucker2001 Professional Flummoxer

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    Only thing worse than smart alec kid is a lying smart alec kid.
     
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  4. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

    Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".

    Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
     
  5. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    Bet she was gonna clean Jack!
     
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  6. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    Two J B Hunt drivers were knee walking drunk in a bar, one was rolling a tiny object between his
    thumb and index finger, says feels like sponge, but it ain't, feels like rubber, but it ain't.
    Other driver says let me see that, starts rolling it between his fingers, does feel like sponge,
    but you say it's not? nah, and it does feel like rubber, but say it's not? nah
    Hmm, where did you get it? outta my noze!
     
  7. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

    Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

    In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

    The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

    Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the

    bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

    The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it.

    The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

    After paying him, she drives to nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

    She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

    I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

    The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

    Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.

    She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

    After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."

    The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ' comfortable' ?"


    The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow.

    Come -- for -- da -- bull.
     
  8. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Bad day at Hallmark


    Ever wondered what happens when the Hallmark writers are having a bad day?



    My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat

    When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat.

    Sorry!


    Looking back over the years that we've been together,

    I can't help but wonder... 'What the hell was I thinking?



    How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?



    I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

    After having met you... I've changed my mind.



    I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

    I never believed in Hell until I met you.



    As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

    That you're not here to ruin it for me.



    Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

    (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)



    Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!



    W hen we were together, you always said you'd die for me.

    Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.


    We have been friends for a very long time. Let’s say we stop?



    I 'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.



    Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?



    Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.

    So we're having you put to sleep.
     
  9. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    I was on the second floor talking with the contractor who was building the house.
    He walks over to the window and yells " green side up" we continue our conversation and again
    walks to the window and yells "green side up" I asked what's the deal with this "green side up"?
    He said I have a blond down there laying SOD.
     
  10. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    UNITED AIRLINES NEW MOTTOS
    "Drag and drop"
    " We put the hospital in hospitality"
    "Board as a doctor, leave as a patient"
    " Our service can't be beat,but our passengers can"
    "We have first class,business class and no class"
    "Not enough seating, prepare for a beating"
    "We treat you like we treat your luggage"
    "We beat the customer, not the competition"
    "And you thought leg room was an issue"
    "Where voluntary is mandatory"
    "Flight or flight,we decide"
    "Now offering one free carry off"
    "Beating random customers since 2017"
    "If our staff needs a seat, we'll drag you off by your feet"
    " A BLOODY GOOD AIRLINE"
     
  11. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    GREAT EXERCISE FOR THI OVER 55 CROWD

    which of
    the
    following
    names are
    you
    familiar
    with?
    1 Monica
    Lewinski
    2 Bill
    Clinton
    3 Barrack
    Obama
    4 Adolph
    Hitler
    5 Jorge
    Bergoglio
    6 Winnie
    Mandela
    7 Vladimir
    Putin
    8 Linda
    Lovelace
    9 Saddam
    Hussein
    10 Tiger
    Wood



    You
    had
    trouble
    with
    # 5
    Didn't
    you?


    you
    know
    all the
    liars
    criminals
    adultrerers
    porno
    stars
    murderers
    thieves
    sluts and
    cheaters

    but you
    don't know
    the pope?

    Lovely,
    just lovely
     
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  12. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    WAL - MART APPLICATION

    This is a job application that a 75 - year - old senior submitted to Wal - Mart ...... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
    NAME: George Martin
    SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who’ll cooperate).
    DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President... But seriously, whatever’s available.

    If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place...
    DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
    EDUCATION: Yes.
    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
    SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.
    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:

    My incredible collection of stolen pens and post - it notes.
    REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS : 1:30 - 3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS ? :

    Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER ? :

    If I had one, would I be here?
    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs. ? : Of what?
    DO YOU HAVE A CAR ? : I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs ?”
    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION ? :

    I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
    DO YOU SMOKE ? : On the job no, on my breaks no.
    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS ? : Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE ? : Yes. Absolutely.
     
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  13. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    BUFFALO THEORY


    I know all of you have read or heard this wisdom before,

    but I have not seen anyone explain it as well as the all mighty wise Cliff Clavin,

    on the sitcom Cheers.

    One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

    And here's how it went:

    "Well ya see Norm, it's like this.

    A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.

    And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones

    at the back that are killed first.

    This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members."

    "In much the same way,

    The human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

    Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells,

    But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

    In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,

    making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

    That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
     
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  14. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The Black Bra
    (as told by a woman)


    I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

    One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

    We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
    We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.


    Here's how it all went.


    My Engaged Friend :

    The other night when my boyfriend came over he found
    me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

    He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'
    Then we made passionate love all night long.


    The Mistress:

    Me too!
    The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and a mask over my eyes.
    When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
    but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


    Then I had to share my story:

    When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

    (You are going to love this) What's for dinner, Zorro?
     
  15. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Learned something new.....
    CROWS….


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  16. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Burial at sea

    Chrisy and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

    Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.

    They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

    After a while Chrisy says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "nope, not yet Chrisy". So they row a little farther....

    Again Chrisy asks Barbie, 'Do you think we're out far enough now?

    Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says,

    "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."

    So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears.

    Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Chrisy is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath.

    'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?'

    "Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."
     
  17. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    A lawyer moved into town and wanted to rent a house.
    If he admitted he had 12 children, no one would rent him a house because the children
    would destroy the house.
    He could not say he had no children, that would be a lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.
    He had an idea, he sent his wife and 11 children to the cemetery.
    He took the other child to the rental agency
    Found a house he liked and said he would rent it.
    The agent asked how many children do you have
    I have 12,agent asks where are the other children?
    With a sad look, he said they are in the cemetery with their mother.
    That way he rented the house with out lying.

    MORAL
    IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO LIE,ONE ONLY HAS TO CHOSE THE RIGHT WORDS
    LAWYERS DON'T LIE, THEY ARE CREATIVE
    DON'T FORGET, MOST POLITICIANS ARE LAWYERS
     
  18. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  19. pro1driver

    pro1driver I am LAST

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  20. Brian Junior

    Brian Junior DOFT $50M ICO!!!

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    Cool stuff! ))) waiting for more))
     

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