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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman wearing a tight leather shirt was trying to make the first step
    to enter the bus.
    She became aware her skirt was too tight to allow her leg enough height for the first step,
    a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, she tried again still couldn't make it,
    reached behind to unzip a little more, no luck again.
    About this time a large Texan who was standing behind her,picked her up by the waist and placed her gently
    on the step, she went ballistic, "how dare you touch my body, I don't even know you"

    Texan smiled and said "yes mam normally I would agree, but since you unzipped my fly three times
    I kinda figered we uz friends"
     
  2. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

    Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

    The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap that must be my husband!'

    So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped
    out the window like a crazy man.

    He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

    A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and

    screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

    The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

    And that folks....... .....is how the fight started.
     
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  3. pro1driver

    pro1driver I am LAST

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    :wtflol:
     
  4. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    I'ma thinking it's a case of two cheating people. ..lol
    :1sm364jumpbed:
     
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  5. pro1driver

    pro1driver I am LAST

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    :6781:
     
  6. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    83 year old woman had just finished her annual physical in the doctor's office,
    Doctor said Mrs Cartwright, you are in fine shape for your age, let me ask, do you still have intercourse?
    She thought a second, let me ask my husband.
    She opened the door to the crowded reception room and asked Dave do we still have intercourse?
    You could have heard a pin drop, "honey if I've told you once I've told you a hundred times, we have Blue Cross"
    NAMES HAVE NOT BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT ANYONE
     
  7. Big Dave

    Big Dave Dispatcher for Team BRG-Wong

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    Tonight is a Cigna night...heehee..
     
  8. pro1driver

    pro1driver I am LAST

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    i had ONE JOB, that HAD Cigna....

    i left as soon as i was able to start getting the benefits. futuer employer asked why i left, he said, "i don't blame you"...."and we have BC/BS"
     
  9. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    A man walks in, flops down in his favorite recliner, says to his wife " quick bring me a beer before it starts"
    She looked puzzled but brings him a beer, he finished it says, "quick bring me another beer before it starts"
    She's a little angry this time but brings the beer, "quick bring me another beer, it's gonna start"
    "You sorry ass, come in don't even say hello, don't you realize I cook, clean, wash, iron all day"?

    He said " OH CRAP, IT's STARTED"
     
  10. ABFer

    ABFer Super Moderator Staff Member

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  11. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  12. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  13. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  14. pro1driver

    pro1driver I am LAST

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    :6781:
     
  15. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR


    One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

    First she called on little Suzie, who responded with,

    "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

    "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

    She then called on little Michael.

    "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

    The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"

    Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.

    "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant,

    and he said "Beautiful, just fn beautiful."
     
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  16. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Sex After Death
    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

    After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

    " Marion .... Marion "

    "Is that you, Bob?"
    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"

    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times….Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

    "Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

    "No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina."
     
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  17. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."


    The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to

    Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."


    The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."


    The man thought for a minute and then told the genie,

    I have been married and divorced four times.

    All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive.

    I wish that I could understand women.

    I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,'

    and how I can make a woman truly happy."


    The genie considered for a few minutes and said,

    "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
     
  18. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The Wooden Ball

    An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

    When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
     
  19. ABFer

    ABFer Super Moderator Staff Member

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    :9529:


    ARE YOU A PILOT? I THOUGHT I WAS...

    An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

    As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
    Are you a real pilot?
    He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?


    She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
    The two sat sipping in silence.



    A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
    "Are you a real pilot?"


    He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
     
  20. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    [​IMG]
     
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