Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    Someone asked a retiree if he had a job, he replied "yes, I'm my wife's sexual advisor"
    Somewhat puzzled, he asked "what do you mean by that?"
    "simple"he said "my wife told me that when she wants my F*#@%*G advise, she will ask for it"
     
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  2. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    BRG and Wong was working their part time job at public works, BRG digs a hole and Wong comes along and covers the hole.
    Onlooker asks "what's going on with this?"
    Wong says "we usually work as a 3 man team, BillyLo plants the trees, he called in sick today"
     
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  3. Big Dave

    Big Dave Dispatcher for Team BRG-Wong

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    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
    She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
    “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
    “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
    “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
    “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
     
  4. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Mentorship
    A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a big city parish. He is really
    nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older, seasoned priest to sit in
    on his sessions.

    After new priest hears a few of confessions, the old priest asks him
    to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions and coaching.

    The wise old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin
    with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,'
    and 'I understand.'

    The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all
    the suggested remarks to the old priest.

    The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
    slapping your knee and saying, "No sh*t!! Then what happened?"
     
  5. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Frugality At It's Best!


    Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

    "A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

    "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

    "What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would an Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

    "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and bl** a hundred bucks anytime you want."

    Larry is in the Critical Care Unit, Room 233
     
  6. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s

    doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

    With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes

    when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:


    ”I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!

    What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

    What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

    It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.

    Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against

    not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!”


    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,

    “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little :shit: sitting on your knee!”
     
  7. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Ya can't tell I'm a ray Stevens fan ....can ya....lol

     
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  8. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    A sobbing lady approaches the priest after mass
    Priest asks, "what's bothering you my dear?"
    "Father, I have terrible news, my husband passed away last night."
    "That is terrible, did he have any last requests?"
    "He did father, he said, please Mary, put down that damn gun."
     
  9. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    We went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.

    Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.”

    By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?”

    “No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”
     
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  10. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

    She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

    Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

    Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.

    The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

    Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

    "It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."
     
  11. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband,

    "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy."

    "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

    "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

    "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that." The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

    "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

    "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

    The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.

    When they finish, he goes back to the phone.

    "What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

    The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.

    Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.

    The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

    "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
     
  12. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Little Johnny Wisdom


    A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"


    Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."


    Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."


    Little Johnny, jumping up and down, waving his hand furiously, blurted out,

    "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"


    The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.

    The teacher was completely at a loss for words. After few very long seconds he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.


    Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door,

    and yells 'Jesus Christ, how long are you going to be in there!?"
     
  13. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Priest and Rabbi


    A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
    After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,

    "Is it still a requirement your faith that you not eat pork?"
    The rabbi responds, "Yes that is still one of our beliefs"
    The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
    To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
    temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
    The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.


    A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,

    "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
    The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
    The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
    The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
    The rabbi nodded understandingly.


    He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said,

    "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
     
  14. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Lena and Ole having their first child


    Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night, Lena vakes up Ole andsays, 'I tink it's time! 'So Ole fired up da Yohn Deere tractor and tookher to da hospital to have der first baby.


    She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat great?' Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! Ve ain't finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.' Ole got kind of puzzled by dis, an den da doctor said, 'Holey Moley, Ole ve still ain't done yet!' Da doctor den delivered a boy and said, 'Ole, you yust had yourself annudder boy!'

    Ole was flabbergasted by this news! A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and der tree children home in da self-propelled combine. He vas real serious an he asked Lena, 'How come ve got tree on da first try?'

    Lena said, 'You remember dat night ve run oudda da Vaseline and You vent out in da garage and got dat dere Tree-in-Vun- Oil?'

    Ole said, 'Yeah, I do... Uffda! It's a darn good ting I didn't get out da WD-40!'
     
  15. kboomarang

    kboomarang My allah, between pie and mode

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    Ole and Lena held their wedding reception back at the house, they had a house full friends and family with all the food and plenty to drink, well as the night progressed Ole noticed he didn't see Lena anywhere, so he went upstairs to see if his new bride was up there, and as he poked his head in the bedroom he see's Sven in bed with his bride, just going to town on Lena, he quickly turned and ran back downstairs hollering to get the crowds attention and when all eyes were on him he announced " everyone you gotta get upstairs...you gotta see this... you won't even believe it...come on.. hurry...." then laughingly he says "Sven is so drunk he thinks he's me"
     
  16. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    Hard nosed teacher gave this kid 0% on this exam
    I would have given him 100% A+

    Q1 In which battle did George Custer die?
    * His very last
    Q2 Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
    * At the bottom of the page.
    Q3 The river Ravi flows in which state?
    * Liquid
    Q4 What is the main reason for divorce?
    * Marrige
    Q5 What is the main reason for failure?
    * Exams
    Q6 What can you never eat for breakfast?
    * Lunch and dinner.
    Q7 What looks like half an apple?
    * The other half.
    Q8 If you throw a red stone in the blue sea, what will it become?
    * Wet
    Q9 How can a man go eight days without sleeping.
    * No problem, he sleeps at night.
    Q10 How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
    * You will never find an elephant that has one hand.
    Q11 If you had three apples. four oranges in one hand and four oranges and three apples in the other hand
    what would you have?
    * Very large hands.
    Q12 If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
    * No time at all the wall is already built.
    Q13 How can you drop a raw egg on a concrete floor without cracking it?
    * Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
     
  17. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    DID I READ THAT SIGN RIGHT?
    TOILET OUT OF ORDER
    PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

    AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES
    PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
    WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

    WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE
    STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING
    IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

    WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES<ETC
    WHY NOT BRING IN YOUR WIFE AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGIN

    FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN't KNOW IT
    THERES A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

    THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THIS FIELD FREE
    BUT THE BULL CHARGES

    WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING
    PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR
    DOOR BELL DOSEN'T WORK

    MAN KILLS SELF BEFORE SHOOTING WIFE AND DAUGHTER

    SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS really?

    POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAY WALKERS

    PANDA MATING FAILS, VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER whay a guy

    MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH lazy goof offs

    JUVENILLE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT wonder if that works better than
    a fair trial?

    WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE can see where that might have that effect

    IF STRIKE ISN't SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST AWHILE ya think?

    COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES never would have guessed

    RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES, stronger than duct tape?

    ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT been eating beans?

    KIDS MAKE NUTRIOUS SNACKS taste like chicken?
     
  18. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Golf In Later Life






    Three old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.


    The pro asked, “Did you guys have a good game today?”


    The first old guy said, “I had the most riders ever. I had five.”


    The second old guy said, “I had 7 riders, the same as last time.”


    The last old man said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.”



    [​IMG]


    After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, “I’ve been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?”


    The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it.”
     
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  19. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Elderly Golfer
    An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

    As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads: COLD BEER: $5.00
    HAMBURGER: $10.00
    CHEESEBURGER: $12.50
    CHICKEN SANDWICH: $12.50
    HAND JOB: $100.00


    Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.


    [​IMG]
    She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

    “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

    The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”
    She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs,

    “Yes sir, I sure am.”

    The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
     
  20. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    “Lost at Sea”


    Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
    dramatic escape from a burning freighter.


    While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

    Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

    To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie,
    however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.


    Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out,

    “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!”

    The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
    entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.


    Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness
    on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.


    Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

    After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:

    “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”
     

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