Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is.


    [​IMG]


    The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

    I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

    "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

    "I figure that you would eventually remarry

    and I don't want some :censored: using my stuff.”

    She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another :censored:?"
     
  2. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  3. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  4. mud

    mud Wonderin'

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  5. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    TRIVIA



    'A SHOT OF WHISKEY' - In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a glass of whiskey. If a cowhand was low on cash he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a "shot" of whiskey.

    BUYING THE FARM - This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an average farm so if you died you "bought the farm" for your survivors.

    IRON CLAD CONTRACT - This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant something so strong it could not be broken. RIFF RAFF - The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight but they were expensive so most peopleused rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called a "riff" and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low class.

    COBWEB - The Old English word for “spider" was "cob".

    SHIP STATE ROOMS - Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after states. To this day cabins on ships are called “staterooms.”

    SLEEP TIGHT- Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the frame in a criss-cross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag. The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night’s sleep.

    SHOWBOAT - These were floating theaters built on a barge that was pushed by a steamboat. These played small town along the Mississippi River . Unlike the boat shown in the movie "Showboat" these did not have an engine. They were gaudy and attention grabbing which is why we say someone who is being the life of the party is “showboating".

    OVER A BARREL - In the days before CPR a drowning victim would be placed face down over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in an effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you are over a barrel you are in deep trouble.

    BARGE IN - Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing into piers or other boats. People would say they "barged in".

    HOGWASH - Steamboats carried both people and animals. Since pigs smelled so badthey would be washed before being put on board. The mud and other filth that was washed off was considered useless “hog wash".

    CURFEW - The word "curfew" comes from the French phrase "couvre-feu", which means "cover the fire". It was used to describe the time of blowing out all lamps and candles. It was later adopted into Middle English as “curfeu" which later became the modern "curfew". In the early American colonies homes had no real fireplaces soa fire was built in the center of the room. In order to make sure a fire did not get out of control during the night it was required that, by an agreed upon time, all fires would be covered with a clay pot called-a “curfew". BARRELS OF OIL - When the first oil wells were drilled they had made no provision for storing the liquid so they used water barrels. That is why, to this day, we speak of barrels of oil rather than gallons.

    HOT OFF THE PRESS - As the paper goes through the rotary printing press friction causes it to heat up. Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press it’s hot. The expression means to get immediate information. There, don't you feel smarter now?

    Betcha Didn’t Know That The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as asubstitute for Blood plasma.

    No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead .. I'll wait...

    Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass)

    You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

    Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age, or older.

    The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

    The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE


    American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

    Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?) (That women are going in the 'right' direction...?)


    [Actually, I would say the physics involved prove that women are generally out of sync with the rest of the universe!]

    Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.


    Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!


    The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.

    Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

    PEARLS DISSOLVE IN VINEGAR!


    The ten most valuable brand names on earth: Apple, Coca Cola, Google, IBM, Microsoft, GE, McDonalds, Samsung, Intel, and Toyota, in that order.


    It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...But, not downstairs.


    A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

    Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)


    Turtles can breathe through their butts.
     
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2015
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  6. mud

    mud Wonderin'

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  7. mud

    mud Wonderin'

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  8. pro1driver

    pro1driver I am LAST

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  9. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    To Be 6 Again!



    A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

    'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

    On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

    What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
    Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

    Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.


    What a fabulous adventure!

    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

    He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

    'Well dear, what was it like being six again?'

    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
    'I meant my dress size, you :censored: retard!!!!'
    The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
     
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  10. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    I don't know if this works every time but.......


    A Florida State Trooper pulled over Judy for speeding on the Turnpike.

    When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book

    She said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.

    He replied, "No, State Troopers don't have balls."

    There followed a long moment of silence while she smiled

    And it dawned on him just what he'd said.

    He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

    She was laughing so hard she couldn't even start her car for several minutes!
     
  11. othertrucker2001

    othertrucker2001 Professional Flummoxer

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    My wife and I went to the County Fair and one of the first exhibits we
    stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and
    there was a sign attached that said,
    ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
    My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He
    mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
    We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
    ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
    My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice!
    a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'
    We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
    in capital letters,
    'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
    My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
    'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
    I looked at her and said,
    'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
    My condition has been upgraded from critical
    to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
     
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  12. mud

    mud Wonderin'

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  13. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    DOG FOR SALE:


    [​IMG]


    A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.

    'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

    'You talk?' he asks.

    'Yep,' the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says

    'So, what's your story?'

    The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
    In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
    'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...


    But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

    I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

    'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

    'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

    'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'


    [​IMG]
     
  14. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    ARTHRITIS IN THE THUMB

    A man in a restaurant orders the house special.

    The waitress brings out the order, beginning
    with some hot soup.
    The customer notices the waitress has her
    thumb in the soup.
    Feeling sorry for the waitress, he doesn't
    mention it, and leaves the soup uneaten.
    When she brings the main course her thumb
    is in the mashed potatoes. Then in the coffee.
    Finally, he angrily asks the waitress why she
    has her thumb in all his hot food.
    The waitress says, "I have arthritis and the doctor
    told me to keep it in something warm."
    The customer asks,"Why don't you stick it up your butt!"
    And the waitress answers,"I do that in the kitchen!"
     
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  15. mud

    mud Wonderin'

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  16. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife.

    Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?"

    Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend he agrees.


    After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions just to keep him occupied.


    After a while the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.


    Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister,

    "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."


    The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says,

    "You'd better hurry home. My wife died two years ago."
     
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  17. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.

    He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.


    A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy said, “This is the most powerful liquid in the world, It’s call Turpentine”.


    The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.

    If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'


    The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!'
     
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  18. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  19. Big Dave

    Big Dave Dispatcher for Team BRG-Wong

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    Next time let The Rock say the punch lines, Stimpy.
     
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  20. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Dead Penguins - I never knew this!



    Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguinson the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?Wonder no more!!! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.The penguin is very committedto its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


    If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:





    " Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

    You really didn't believe that I knew anything about penguins, did you?
     
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