Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Hot & Cold Sex





    After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”


    "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.


    " Later, after examining the man's elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”


    She replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?


    "Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
     
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  2. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    SOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST DON'T GET IT




    Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.


    Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.


    Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.


    Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
     
  3. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

    When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

    At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

    The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the fourth house, a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee met him at the door.

    She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

    When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast:

    eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

    When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

    As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

    "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

    "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day,

    and that we should do something special for you.

    I asked him what to give you.

    He said, ':censored: him. Give him a dollar.'

    Then she blushed and added “The breakfast was my idea.”
     
  4. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Two good ol' boys in an Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

    After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, 'If'n I was to sneak over to yalls trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?'

    The 2nd guy cocked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

    Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even.'
     
  5. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    An engineer dies . . . and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
    God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "
    Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on staff. I'm keeping him."God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
    "Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

     
  6. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    MY FIRST CONDOM:


    I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.


    She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

    I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

    So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.

    She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

    I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.

    It was empty.


    'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
    Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.

    She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

    As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

    So I climbed on her... It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

    She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

    I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

    She fainted.
     
  7. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    No Little Airplanes


    A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
    City to Chicago.

    The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'

    The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
    So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.
    The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said,

    'Did your Mom tell you to ask me?'
    The boy said, 'Yes she did.'
    'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes,
    because Southwest always pulls out on time.

    Have your Mom explain that to you.
     
  8. Cerberus_Kelpie

    Cerberus_Kelpie Wings Over the World!

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    What one thing gets laid once and eaten once?
    An egg.
     
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  9. pro1driver

    pro1driver I am LAST

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    i eat several eggs a week...what does that mean..????
     
  10. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    An old cowboy walks into a barber shop in Texas, asks for a shave and haircut
    he tells the barber he hasn't had a decent shave in years because of sun and age
    wrinkles.
    The barber hands him a small wooden ball, put this in your mouth to spread your cheeks
    When he was finished, the cowboy said this is the cleanest shave I've had in years, I
    wonder what would happen if I swallowed the ball by accident.
    You just bring it back in a couple of days like everone else.
     
  11. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Helpful Wives
    A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked
    you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

    The driver says, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps
    your radar gun needs calibrating.”

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don't be silly,
    dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
    and growls, “;Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once!! ?”

    The wife smiles demurely and says, “ Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”

    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

    The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”

    The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

    The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

    And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “;WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!! ?”;

    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

    (I love this part)

    "Only when he's been drinking."
     
  12. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Investment opportunity:
    Thought you might want to consider getting on board early.
    A German Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.
    He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
    It's doing well.
    He says prophets are going through the roof.
     
  13. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A contestant on "Who wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau.

    If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.
    If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

    And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

    It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest,

    But instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
    A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

    The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline.

    All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.

    But the contestant had no alternative.

    She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

    The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

    The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do...On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

    "I need an answer," said Regis.
    Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo
    "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
    "Yes, that is my final answer."
    Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is. . . absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"


    Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends—

    Including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
    "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
    "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire.
    And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice.

    By the way how did you happen to know the right answer?"
    "Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests.

    They live in clocks."
     
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  14. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    Stimpy, you know how to tell when a gal is wearing panty hose?
     
  15. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Lol....I don't know. .... when she farts her ankles bulge? ???lol:poster oops::17142:
     
  16. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    Exactly Right, I knew you were head of the class
     
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  17. othertrucker2001

    othertrucker2001 Professional Flummoxer

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    You're missing an important part of the chain?.?.?.
     
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  18. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    Doctor asked a girl " do you smoke after sex?" Don't know I've never looked
     
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  19. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    A couple was out driving and came upon a baby possum (opossum) for city folk
    she insisted he stop, wife brings it back to the car and says the little is so cold and wet,
    husband says,hold it between your legs and warm it up.
    She says but it's so wet and smelly, "just hold his little nose, he'll get used to it."
     
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  20. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    “ARROGANCE OF OLD AGE”


    Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store.

    I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.


    [​IMG]

    I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.




    It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.

    [​IMG]


    She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenge window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,


    “I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow, would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"



    [​IMG]


    I thought for a few seconds and asked,


    "What kind of beer you got?"
     
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