Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.
    As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles - you can imagine what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
    After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction Stow High In Transit, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane.

    Thus evolved the term ' :shit: ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
    You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.
     
  2. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Betcha read this one twice!


    Bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:


    "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."


    "You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly.

    "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"


    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
     
  3. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Now don't go getting upset this is just a joke.....

    Men strike back!
    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
    Why do men break wind more than women?
    Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman who won't do what she's told.
    I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. it's called a Wedding Cake.
    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.
    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a baldhead and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested.
    Then God created Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
     
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  4. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    An attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client, says" Bill, I have good news and bad news"
    Bill says "Ive had a terrible day, give me the good news first" "your wife invested $5000 in two photos and
    thinks they are worth around 15 million bucks, and I'm inclined to agree with her"
    "Man that's great she's a brilliant business woman", "What's the bad news"
    "The photos are of you and your secretary"
     
  5. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Senior Moment


    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,

    the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

    The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said,

    "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great.

    I would recommend it very highly."

    The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

    The first man thought and thought and finally said,

    "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

    You know... the one that is red and has thorns."

    "Do you mean a rose?"

    "Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled,

    "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
     
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  6. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Crotch-less Panties
    A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
    She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.
    At a strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband asks, "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"
    "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
    "Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
    He never saw the glass coming.
     
  7. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    MARRIED


    A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
    She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

    She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
    "What's the matter, dear?" she asks tenderly as she steps into the room.
    "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
    The husband looks up from his coffee.

    "Do you remember when we were first dating, we were so young?" he asks.

    "Yes" replies the wife.

    The husband continues, his voice brimming with emotion.

    "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
    “Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'either you marry my daughter, or I'll see that you go to jail for 30 years?'"

    "I remember that," she replies softly, taking his hand.
    He wipes a tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!!"
     
  8. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The Doctors SpeakA Man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
    My Wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
    I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
    Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the Wrong One.
    Submitted by:
    Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
    At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big Breaths,'. . . I Instructed.
    'Yes, they used to be,' Replied the Patient.
    Submitted by:
    Dr. Richard Byrnes - Seattle, WA

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
    One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her Husband had died of a Massive Myocardial Infarct.
    Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the Family that he had Died of a Massive Internal Fart!
    Submitted by:
    Dr. Susan Steinberg

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
    During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his Cardiologist, he informed me, his Doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
    “Which one?” I asked.
    'The patch...the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
    I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over Fifty Patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the Old patch before applying a New one.
    Submitted by:
    Dr. Rebecca St. Clair-Norfolk , VA

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
    While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been Bedridden?'
    After a look of complete confusion, she answered...'Why, not for about Twenty Years – when my Husband was Alive.'
    Submitted by:
    Dr. Steven Swanson - Corvalli, OR

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
    I was performing rounds at the Hospital one morning and while checking up on a man, I asked, “So how's your Breakfast this morning?'
    “It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste”, Bob replied.
    I then asked to see the Jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
    Submitted by:
    Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
    A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman came in. She had purple hair, styled into a Punk Rocker Mohawk, sported a variety of Tattoos, and wore strange clothing.
    It was quickly determined that the Patient had Acute Appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
    When she was completely disrobed on the Operating Table, the staff noticed that her Pubic Hair had been Dyed Green and above it there was a Tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the Grass.'
    Once the surgery was completed, the Surgeon wrote a short note on the Patient's Dressing, which said 'Sorry . . .Had to Mow the Lawn.'
    Submitted by:
    RN NO name

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
    AND FINALLY!!! (no, not really)
    As a
    new, young MD doing his Residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when Performing Female Pelvic Exams...
    To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
    The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me.
    I looked up from my work and sheepishly said…'I'm sorry. Was I Tickling you?'
    She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard…'No, Doctor but the song you were Whistling was…
    'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'
    Dr. Wouldn't submit his name…
    1 MORE
    Baby's First Doctor Visit. This made me Laugh out loud.
    I hope it will give you a Smile!
    A Woman and a Baby were in the Doctor's Examining Room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the Baby's first Exam.
    The Doctor arrived, and examined the Baby, checked his Weight,
    and being a little concerned, asked if the Baby was Breast-fed
    or Bottle-fed.
    'Breast-fed,' she replied.
    'Well, strip down to your Waist,' the Doctor ordered.
    She did, he Pinched her Nipples, Pressed, Kneaded, and rubbed both Breasts for a while in a Very Professional and detailed Examination.
    Motioning to her to get dressed, the Doctor said, 'No wonder this Baby is underweight. You don't have any Milk.'
    ‘I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
     
  9. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Single, Married, Divorced!
    Women in three pictures:


    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]


    Men in three pictures…


    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
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  10. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    [​IMG]




    A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station. As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked,
    "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
    The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street
    two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."
    The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
    The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're sh###### me, right?
    You can't even find the ****in' Post Office."
     
  11. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    I call a friend and asked "what are you doing?"
    He replied he was working on Aqua-thermal treatments of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained enviroment
    I was impressed, after further inquiry, I learned he was washing dishes in hot water under his wife's supervision.
     
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  12. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    A new priest born add raised in Newfoundland, came to serve in Ontario city parish.
    He was nervous aboout hearing confessions and asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
    The new priest heard a couple of confessions, the old priest asked him to step outside for some
    suggestions.
    The old priest suggests "cross your ams, rub your chin, and say things like "I see, go on, I understand"
    New priest nods and says "I see"
    The old priest says "don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying "NO S#&T, What happened next?"
     
  13. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
    (The actual AP headline)


    Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.


    One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.


    The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.


    A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.


    She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

    And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
     
  14. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Not going to work today?


    Carlos says: "Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick.

    I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."

    The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today.

    When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.

    That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

    Two hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great,
    I’ll be at work soon. You got nice house."
     
  15. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Sentence Structure





    Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

    It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

    Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

    Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

    I approached her and said, "Debra, I’ve never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”

    "Could you jack off for now?" she says. "I feel like :shit:. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime."
    .......

    I had to let Jack go.

    Bosses have to make the tough decisions!!
     
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  16. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    One Sexy Butt?

    Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.

    One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

    The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

    The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never
    again indulge himself in his vice.

    While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

    The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself.

    His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

    No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

    His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how
    seriously they must take the doctor's words.

    As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

    The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up,

    we're both dead."
     
  17. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Three versions of love making!

    The Italian says,

    “When I’ve a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.”

    The Frenchman replies.

    zat is noting, when Ah’ve finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy.”

    The redneck says,

    “That aint nothing. When I’ve finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin’ ceiling.”
     
  18. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    True Sayings



    BEAUTY PARLOR
    A place where women curl up and dye.

    CHICKENS
    The only animal you eat before they are bornand after they are dead.


    COMMITTEE
    A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

    DUST
    Mud with the juice squeezed out.

    EGOTIST
    Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.


    HANDKERCHIEF
    Cold Storage.


    INFLATION
    Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.


    MOSQUITO
    An insect that makes you like flies better.

    POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
    A doctrine fostered by a delusional,illogical minority.


    RAISIN
    A grape with a sunburn.


    SECRET
    A story you tell to one person at a time.


    TOOTHACHE
    The pain that drives you to extraction.

    TOMORROW
    One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

    YAWN
    An honest opinion - openly expressed.


    WRINKLES
    Something other people have… similar to my character lines.

    OLD
    I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an Affair
    She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
    . . . and that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!

    In youth, the days are short and the years are long.
    In old age, the years are short and days are long.
     
  19. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, Jews, Christians, the Pope, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Hungarians, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, etc, but its insensitive to make jokes about the Muslims?

    Well, it's time to level the playing field and be politically incorrect, by including our friends, the Muslims, on this grandiose list.

    (So Jeff Foxworthy did his part to include the Muslims on his list ...)

    1. If you grow and refine heroin for a living, but morally object to the use of liquor, You may be a Muslim.

    2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.

    3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.

    4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.

    5. If you think vests come in two styles, Bullet-proof and suicide, You may be a Muslim.

    6. If you can't think of anyone that you haven't declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim.

    7. If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.

    8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses, other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.

    9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, then you, too, may be a Muslim.

    10. If you find this offensive and do not forward it, you are part of the problem here in America but if you delete this, you are most likely a Muslim.

    Freedom Is not Free!
     
  20. othertrucker2001

    othertrucker2001 Professional Flummoxer

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    :lmao:
     

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