Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Old Couple


    A very old couple, who have been married forever,

    are sitting on the porch one night.

    Suddenly, the old woman reaches over & smacks her husband, knocking him off the porch & into the bushes.

    He crawls back up & asks, "What was that for?"

    She says, "For having a little pecker."


    He sits there quietly a moment,

    and then smacks her,

    sending her off the other side of the porch & into the bushes.

    She crawls back & says, "What was that for?"

    He says, "For knowing there was more than one size"
     
  2. DCM_Doc

    DCM_Doc Well-Known Member

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    While I was coaching summer youth baseball one of the player's dad got to the field late. He said he had been Christmas shopping for his wife. Someone asked him how he was going to keep the gift a surprise for 6 months.. He said simple, I hid it in the oven.
     
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  3. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    For years my wife has bugged me to take her deer hunting, last year I relented and made a trip to my favorite place
    I put her on a stand and told her, be still and quite, you may get a shot.
    I walked down the trail and before I got much out of sight , heard a Bang, I returned to find her waving her rifle in a guy's face
    The man had his hands up and said, "yes mam lady, that's your deer, I'm not trying to take it from you, But could I please
    take my saddle off your deer?"
     
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  4. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Amazing Italian


    A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. There was a sign posted that said: DON'T MISS THE AMAZING ITALIAN!
    Sounding interesting enough, the salesman bought a ticket and went to the
    circus and took a seat. There, under the big top, in the center ring, was a
    table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian man.
    Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member,
    and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
    Fifteen years later the salesman happened upon the same little town, found
    the same circus, and saw one of the same faded signs that read: DON'T
    MISS THE AMAZING ITALIAN!
    He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
    The old Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and
    smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with the Italian after the
    show.
    "You're incredible," he told the Italian, "But, I must ask, I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
    The Italian answered, "My eyes aren't what they used to be".
     
  5. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    POSSIBLY THE BEST BLOND JOKE EVER!!!!!!

    A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told Her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "But I don't have any money.

    But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my Mother."

    The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

    "Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

    Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said.

    She did. Now get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my zipper."

    She did.

    "Now go ahead ... take it out ...."

    She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused.

    The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well, go ahead."

    The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer...and while holding it close to her lips tentatively said...

    "Hello, Mom can you hear me?
     
  6. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see

    a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.


    The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks,

    "And why don't you get me a whisky, wench."


    The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot

    but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee.


    As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky, you ugly bitch."


    Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky

    but still no coffee for the man.


    Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now so I don't have to see that disgustingly hideous face of yours anymore!"


    Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up

    and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.


    Plunging downwards to the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says,

    "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy mother****er.
     
  7. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Here is seniority at its best!!


    [​IMG]


    Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the

    Squirrels and discuss world problems.

    One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it

    and figured maybe he had a cold or something..

    But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

    However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know

    where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

    A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,

    Sam approached the park and--lo and behold!--there sat Russ!

    Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

    Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

    Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

    'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

    'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress

    at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'


    [​IMG]



    'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

    'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old,

    I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'

    and 'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
     
  8. DCM_Doc

    DCM_Doc Well-Known Member

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    I heard an older woman say that you were old when you started bragging about your age instead of trying to hide it.
     
  9. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    IRISH GAS STATION & GOLF TEES
    Taking a wee break from the golf course,
    Rory Mcllroy drives his new Mercedes into
    an Irish gas station.
    An attendant greets him in a typical Irish
    manner, unaware who the golf pro is...

    "Top o' the mornin to ya"

    As Rory gets out of the car, two tees fall
    out of his pocket.

    "What are those things, laddie?" asks the
    attendant.

    "They're called tees," replies Rory.

    "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?"
    inquires the Irishman.

    "Well, they're for resting my balls on when
    I drive," replies Rory.

    "Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims
    the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at
    Mercedes think of everything...
     
  10. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.


    The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?

    He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I... just sat up and watched him all night."


    The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?

    You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring.

    I watched him all night."


    The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.

    The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

    "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,

    patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.

    Bob sat up and watched me all night."
     
  11. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf.

    One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

    He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

    He started thinking to himself: What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life...

    He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

    The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

    He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

    He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
     
  12. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    A young blond marries a Texas rancher
    One morning he tells her he has to go town and the artificial insemination man is coming to breed a cow
    I drove a nail in the 2x4 over the cows stall so you can show him the cow to be bred.
    A couple hours the man comes, tells her he is the insemination man.
    They walk down a long row of stalls, she says this is the one.
    The man is impressed, thinking she was just another ditzy blond, how do you know this is the right cow?
    Thats easy, see the nail over the stall? he asks whats that for? to hang your pants on I guess.
     
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  13. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Rodeo Sex:

    Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.

    The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo".

    The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

    The first guy says, “You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style.

    Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear –

    "Your sister likes this position too". . . . . . Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."
     
  14. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    ROMANTIC REVENGE


    There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade.

    When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.


    They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages.


    Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this: She took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."


    Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed.

    So what he did next was awesome, and has since become legendary:


    He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.
     
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  15. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Sarah the Gossip

    Sarah, the church gossip, busy-body and self-appointed arbiter of the
    church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
    Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her
    enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she
    accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his
    pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

    She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would
    know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a
    moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He
    said nothing.

    Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's
    house... and left it there all night.
     
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  16. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  17. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
    So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
    The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."
    The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
    So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
    Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
    The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that... it will rain."
    So the king hired the donkey.
    And thus began the practice of hiring dumb a_ _ _ _ to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
    Thus, the democrat party... symbol was born!
     
  18. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Potatoes


    [​IMG]

    Well,
    A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.

    Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

    When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
    They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.



    Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

    But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.


    She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

    When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.



    And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.


    Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say,
    'Frito Lay.'



    Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam toIdaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

    But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

    Tom Brokaw!

    Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

    They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw



    Because he's just.......

    Are you ready for this?



    Are you sure?**OK!
    Here it is!****A
    COMMONTATER


    [​IMG]
     
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  19. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS !!


    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)


    Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)


    The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")


    There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)


    In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)


    Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)


    In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)


    In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.( I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)


    In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception:
    Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)


    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
    (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)


    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)


    The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)


    Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez)


    An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)


    Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too).
     
  20. Cerberus_Kelpie

    Cerberus_Kelpie Wings Over the World!

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    Some older sayings before computers.

    Let your fingers do the walking.
    Get's Your Juices Flowing.
    Is It Live or Memorex?
    Bloomer Pudding as well with Cheese and/or Rice.
    "Should of had it toasted" (a joke about ordering a B.L.T., Cut Up Not Toasted)
    3 virgins and a Mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.
    A Big Ten Inch........record.
    We always have the biggest Balls of all.
    This Is My Weapon, this is my Gun, This one's for killing, this one's for fun.
    Cherry Master.
    The George Carlin descriptive monologue about a episode of Little House On The Prairie as well all his words for "cherry pie".
    Polishing Knobs and Kickstands- - -see Fluffer or Fluffy.
    FLASH sale.
    Coppertone commercials.
    Freshly Squeezed.
    Fisherman's Buddy.
    A Little Dab'll Do Ya.
    :watermelon: = Juicy Fruit.
    "Once You Get Passed the smell, You've Got It Licked".
     
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