Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The last one is so true. ...
     
  2. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Who Says Men Aren't Sensitive?


    A woman meets a good-looking guy in a bar.

    They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.

    They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

    The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

    She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.


    After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,

    "Well, how was it?

    The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
     
  3. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Scotch with two drops.

    A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

    As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.

    "The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
    In fact, this one is on me."

    As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
    The old woman says, "Thank you.

    Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
    "Coming up," says the bartender.
    As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
    The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
    "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says,

    "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.

    Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

    The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.
     
  4. Cerberus_Kelpie

    Cerberus_Kelpie Wings Over the World!

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    So a guy meets a girl at a pub and after the usual conversing and drinking and dancing, she decides to leave just after inviting the feller home.
    She warns him though that she's on her menstrual cycle and he states "that's alright, I'll follow you on my moped".
     
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  5. Cerberus_Kelpie

    Cerberus_Kelpie Wings Over the World!

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    A line from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure:
    "Ted, what number am I thinking about?"
    "69 DUUUUUDE!"
    - - it's more fun in the movie- -
     
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  6. pro1driver

    pro1driver I am LAST

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  7. Big Dave

    Big Dave Dispatcher for Team BRG-Wong

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    I'd tell her that she could trade up to a bigger prize...
     
  8. Big Dave

    Big Dave Dispatcher for Team BRG-Wong

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  9. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

    With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,

    "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

    Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."


    The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.



    [​IMG]




    After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,

    "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

    Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."
     
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  10. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.

    The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

    She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

    The blonde replies, 'I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.'

    The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.

    The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

    The blonde replies, 'I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.'

    The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

    The pilot says, 'you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.'

    He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, 'oh, I’m sorry.' and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy..

    The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

    'I told her, 'first class isn't going to Toronto '.
     
  11. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
    On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

    The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

    He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

    Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

    The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

    There were a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."
     
  12. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Which is better?
    In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.

    At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

    In prison you get three meals a day.

    At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

    In prison you get time off for good behavior.

    At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

    In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

    At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

    In prison you can watch TV and play games.

    At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

    In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.

    At work you are just ball-and-chained.

    In prison you get your own toilet.

    At work you have to share.

    In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.

    At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

    In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.

    At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

    In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

    At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

    In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.

    At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

    In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.

    At work we have managers.
     
  13. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Jewish Sunbathing
    A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

    "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

    "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

    "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

    "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. ”Do you live around here?" she asked.

    "Yes, I live over in Haifa," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

    Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like :censored: cats?"..... not sure why this word is censored. ... but it resembles putty cats..

    With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

    When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
    "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

    The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
     
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  14. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

    As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...
     
  15. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    ROMEO


    An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma.

    While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde.

    So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it.

    After a long while... He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So.... you finish?”

    After a slight pause she replies, “No.”

    Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first... and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.

    Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So.... you finish?”

    And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”

    Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.

    This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.

    Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette... lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So... you finish?”

    “No. I’m Swedish.”
     
  16. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Apology Letter to Spouse



    Hi Sweetheart,


    I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights. I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something. I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy. All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season. Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights! I took the time to hang the lights for you today; and now I will be off to the hockey rink.

    Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday. I'll be home later.


    Love you……

    _____________________________________________

    Her response -

    Hi Honey,



    Thank you for that heart-felt apology. I don't often get an apology from you, and I truly appreciate it. I, too, felt bad about the argument and wanted to apologize. I realize that I can sometimes be a little pushy. I will try to respect your feelings from now on. Thank you for taking the time to hang the Christmas lights for me. It really means a lot. In the spirit of giving, I washed your truck for you; and now I am off to the mall.


    I love you too!


    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
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  17. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffy, in great detail. The robbery begins...
    Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffy, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?" "Perfectly," said Buffy. Buffy goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One minute passes... Two minutes pass... Seven minutes pass... and Judy is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffy. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!" Buffy said, "I did... I did exactly what you said!" "No, you idiot," said Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
     
  18. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.
    Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

    Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
    ":shit: Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

    "Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said,

    'Guess who?'"

    I pulled her hands away, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said she had been reading ’Fifty Shades of Grey', and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!

    She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes. She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
    So . . . . here I am!


    [​IMG]
     
  19. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening... After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.


    The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'


    The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There's no warning.


    'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.


    'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man.


    'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.

    A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'


    'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'


    She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.


    'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.


    Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man.

    'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.


    Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.


    Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'


    'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...


    'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already :shit: my pants.'


    BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

    You'll probably think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.
     
  20. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Never Knew That
    'A SHOT OF WHISKEY'
    In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents and so did a glass of whiskey.
    If a cowhand was low on cash he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a "shot" of whiskey.




    ‘THE WHOLE NINE YARDS’
    American fighter planes in WW2 had machine guns that were fed by a belt of cartridges.
    The average plane held belts that were 27 feet (9 yards) long. If the pilot used up all his ammo he was said to have given it the whole nine yards.



    ‘BUYING THE FARM’
    This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life insurance policies worth $5,000.
    This was about the price of an average farm so if you died you "bought the farm" for your survivors.



    ‘IRON-CLAD CONTRACT’
    This came about from the iron-clad ships of the Civil War.
    It meant something so strong it could not be broken.



    ‘PASSING THE BUCK / THE BUCK STOPS HERE’
    Most men in the early west carried a jackknife made by the Buck Knife When playing poker it as common to place one of these Buck knives in front of the dealer so that everyone knew who he was. When it was time for a new dealer the deck of cards and the knife were given to the new dealer. If this person didn't want to deal he would "pass the buck" to the next player. If that player accepted then "the buck stopped there".



    ‘RIFF RAFF’
    The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight but they were expensive so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called a "riff" and this transposed into riff-raft – or riff-raff, meaning low class.



    ‘COBWEB’
    The Old English word for "spider" was "cob".



    SHIPS’ ‘STATE ROOMS’
    Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after states. To this day cabins on ships are called staterooms.



    ‘SLEEP TIGHT’
    Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the frame in a criss-cross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag. The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night's sleep.



    ‘SHOWBOAT’
    These were floating theaters built on a barge that was pushed by a steamboat. These played the small towns along the Mississippi River. Unlike the boat shown in the movie "Showboat” these did not have an engine. They were gaudy and attention- grabbing which is why we say someone who is being the life of the party is "showboating".



    ‘OVER A BARREL’
    In the days before CPR a drowning victim would be placed face down over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in a effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you are over a barrel you are in deep trouble.



    ‘BARGE IN’
    Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing into piers or other boats. People would say they "barged in".



    ‘HOGWASH’
    Steamboats carried both people and animals. Since pigs smelled so bad they would be washed before being put on board. The mud and other filth that was washed off was considered useless "hog wash".



    ‘CURFEW’
    The word "curfew" comes from the French phrase "couvre-feu", which means "cover the fire". It was used to describe the time of blowing out all lamps and candles before sleeping for the night. It was later adopted into Middle English as "curfeu", which later became the modern "curfew". In the early American colonies homes had no real fireplaces so a fire was built in the center of the room. In order to make sure a fire did not get out of control during the night it was required that, by an agreed upon time, all fires would be covered with a clay pot called-a "curfew".



    ‘BARRELS OF OIL’
    When the first oil wells were drilled they had made no provision for storing the liquid, so they used water barrels. That is why, to this day, we speak of barrels of oil, rather than gallons.
     
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