Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    Two medical students were walking when they saw an old man, walking slowly, legs spread and split-legged
    One said I think he has Peltry Syndrome, the other student said no, I think he is showing symptoms of
    Zovitski Syndrome.
    One student says excuse me sir but we're medical students and were not sure about your walk, could you tell us your condition?
    The old man said I'll tell you but first, what do you think? the student said Peltry Syndrome,
    The man said ,you think, but you are wrong, next student said I think, Zovitski Syndrome.
    The man said, you think, but you're wrong, they asked, tell us, old timer what do you have?
    The old man said, I thought it was gas, but I was wrong!
     
  2. Big Dave

    Big Dave What?! A low bridge and boardwalk at same time?!!

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    So he thought it was Glutalbreeze Syndrome but it turned out to be Packincrack Syndrome...
     
  3. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    Some of you may not know, I play the bagpipes, I've played at many funerals.
    A funeral director asked me to play graveside service for a homless man.
    He had no family or friends, it would be at a paupers cemetery in the backwoods, I was not familar with, I got lost,
    big time,being a typical man I would not stop and ask for directions.
    I arrived about an hour late, funeral guy was gone, hearse was nowhere in site.
    Only the diggers and crew were left eating lunch, I went to the grave side, looked down on the lid already in place.
    Didn't know what else to do, I started to play, the workers put down their lunch and began to gather around
    I played my heart out for this homless man like never before.
    I played "Amazing Grace", the crew began to weep, we all wept together.
    When I finished I started to my car, I really felt good about myself, as I opened my car door I heard one of the crew say,
    I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years, never have I seen anything like this.
    Hell, I guess I'm still lost!
     
  4. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Sons-in-Law


    A woman wanted to know if her 3 sons-in-law really liked her, or just her money.

    On Day 1 she took the first one for a walk along the lake and pretended to slip off of a pier into the water. As she slipped under the water, he immediately dove in and saved her life.

    The next morning, he found a brand new Honda in his driveway with a

    note: “Thank you. You’re a wonderful son-law. Mom”.


    On Day 2 she took the second son-in-law for the same walk…same “accident”.

    As she slipped under the water, he immediately dove in and saved her life.

    The next morning, he also found a brand new Honda in his driveway with a note:

    “Thank you. You’re a wonderful son-law. Mom”.


    On Day 3 she took the third son-in-law for the same walk…same “accident”.

    But as she slipped under the water, he stood there thinking,

    “Maybe it’s about time the old witch met her maker!”, and he didn’t save her life.

    The next morning, he found a brand new Jaguar in his driveway with a note:

    “Thank you. You’re a wonderful son-law. Dad”
     
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  5. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The Polish Golf Club Championship


    Milo and Stosh are standing on the 18th tee at their Polish Country Club.

    They are the final twosome in the Polish Country Club Championship and are tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a deep valley descending down to a dogleg right.


    Both Milo and Stosh hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into the valley. A short time later, the fore caddie appears at the top of the hill and announces that both balls are within 6 inches of each other, but there's a problem. Both of the golf balls are Titleist # 4s.


    Milo and Stosh look at each other and realize that they had not informed each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, nor its number.

    They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two Titleist golf balls are right next to each at the bottom of the valley in the middle of the fairway.


    Stosh looks at Milo and says, "We had better get a ruling from a tournament official to straighten this out." "This is the Polish Country Club Championships and we don't want to be disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong ball." "After all, we are tied for the lead."


    Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two # 4 Titleist golf balls.

    He then looks up at Milo and Stosh and says,


    "Which one of you is playing the orange ball?
     
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  6. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Wise Old Jewish Man


    A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time


    So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.


    She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.


    "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"


    "Morris Fishbien," he replied.


    "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"


    "For about 60 years."


    "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"


    "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."


    "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"


    "Like I'm talking to a ****in' wall
     
  7. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    [​IMG]
     
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  8. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    [​IMG]
     
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  9. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    [​IMG]
     
  10. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Two good ol’ boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

    Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Bubba says, “Hey, Junior - there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in and have us a drank.” “But we’s privates,” protests Junior.

    “NO, we’s sergeants now,” says Bubba, pulling him inside “Now, Junior, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drank.” “But, we’s privates,” says Junior. “You blind, boy!” says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. “We’s Sergeants now!”


    So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to take you someplace and make you feel good — but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”

    Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it’s good, give me the okay sign.” Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.


    Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

    “Junior,” he says, “What you give me the okay for?!” “

    Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.”

    Then he pointed to his stripes and says, “But we’s Sergeants now!
     
  11. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge.

    On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

    The guide, holding a net, yelled "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

    Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!

    No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish!

    Really? Well help me land this Son of a Bitch!

    Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster. Father, that is the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen. Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it? Why eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch! Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear, and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

    Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!

    Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

    It's ok Sister. That's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish!

    Oh, well then what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?

    Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch.

    The Sister informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for dinner.

    "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. What are you doing Sister?

    Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the Pope's dinner.

    Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!

    No, no, no. It's called a Son of a Bitch fish. Really.

    Oh, well in that case I'll fix up a great meal and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch. On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect.

    The Friar had prepared an excellent meal, there was wine, and the fish was excellent.

    The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

    "I caught the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

    The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

    "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the sister.

    The Pope sat silent in disbelief.

    And the friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"

    The Pope looked at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face.

    "You ****ers are alright!!"
     
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  12. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

    One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

    His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat".

    Tim got a horrified look on his face.

    She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

    ”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

    "Ex wife!” she screamed, "I didn't know you were married before!"

    “I wasn't”.
     
  13. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

    And here we go...
    #10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
    #9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
    #8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
    #7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
    #6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
    #5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
    #4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
    #3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
    #2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
    And the Number One reason
    Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....
    #1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun
     
  14. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    [​IMG]
     
  15. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The birds and the bees


    [​IMG]


    A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
    "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
    "Promise me you won't tell me."
    Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
    The boy sobbed,
    "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech."
    "At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech."
    "When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Tooth Fairy speech."
    "If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
     
  16. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Blond MEN Jokes


    A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

    A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

    The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

    ------------------------------------

    A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.

    His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

    He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.



    "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

    "Here boy!" he replies.

    ------------------------------------

    A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

    "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

    "Hanging myself," the blond replies.

    "It should be around your neck" says the guard.

    "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

    ------------------------------------

    (This one actually makes sense.)

    An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

    To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
     
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  17. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    A San Francisco newspaper reported Nancy Pelosi has sued the Stanford Hospital
    She claimed her husband lost intrest in sex after his surgery.
    A spokesperson for the hospital said he was admitted for cataract surgery, we just corrected his eyesight.
     
  18. Big Dave

    Big Dave What?! A low bridge and boardwalk at same time?!!

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    What would happen if he got hearing aids??
     
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  19. othertrucker2001

    othertrucker2001 Professional Flummoxer

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    I called him and asked..... he said “WHAT’DYA SAY”?
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2017
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  20. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    [​IMG]
     

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