Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    Living Will
    Last night my kids and I were sittong around the tv, I said I do not want to live in a vegetative state dependent on a machine
    and fluids from a bottle, if that ever happens, just pull the plug.
    They unpluged my computer and poured out my wine, "the little bastards"
     
  2. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    HOW DO COURT REPORTERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES?These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY:And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!


    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY:What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.


    ATTORNEY:How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY:How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.


    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY:You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


    ATTORNEY:Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.


    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?


    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY:And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid


    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY:How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY:Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get anew attorney?


    ATTORNEY:How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.


    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.


    ATTORNEY:Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
    notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


    ATTORNEY:Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
    people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


    ATTORNEY:ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral...


    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY:And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.


    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?


    And last:
    ATTORNEY:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for apulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY:Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when youbegan the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patienthave still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive andpracticing law.
     
  3. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    A blond goes to the post office and asks the clerk for 50 Christmas stamps.
    He says,what denomination?
    Blond says, "Lord help us, has it came to this? gimme 22 Catholic,12 Presbyterian,10 Lutheran, 6 Baptists"
     
  4. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft!

    A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees!

    The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!

    He yelled,
    "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory! I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph!

    The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone!

    "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions! The first thing is not to panic! Remain calm!"

    He began his series of questions:
    >
    Tower:"How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

    Aircraft:"I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me!"
    >
    > Tower:"Okay, that’s good, remain calm! How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
    >
    Aircraft:"I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!"
    >
    > Tower:
    "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast! So how do you know you’re flying upside down?"

    Aircraft:
    “The :shit: in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!!"
     
  5. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    Bob and his wife were listening to the radio one morning, when the announcer said we are expecting 4 to 6 in of snow
    you must park your car on the even numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.
    She goes and moves her car.
    Next week while having breakfast, the announcer said, we are expecting 6 to 8 in of snow tonight, you must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.
    She gets up and go moves her car.
    About a week later one morning the announcer says, we are expecting 8 to 10 in of snow you must, at that time the power goes off, radio goes dead.
    The blond wife says "honey I don't know where to park so the plow can get through"Bob says , "why don't you just leave it in the garage this time"
     
  6. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, “It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore. I am going to my Mom’s place.”


    I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold… What the hell is she talking about?
     
  7. 00mustang

    00mustang NO LTL 4 ME CAR HAUL ONLY

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    A blonde woman got stopped by the Ohio State Patrol as he walks up to the window with his ticket book the blonde says "I suppose your giving me a ticket to the Ohio State troopers ball" . Old Smokey looks down at her and says "Mam Ohio State Troopers don't have any balls" moment of silence Trooper closes book and goes back to his car priceless
     
  8. a9faninnc

    a9faninnc Super Moderator Staff Member

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    [​IMG]
     
    othertrucker2001 and Stimpy like this.
  9. 00mustang

    00mustang NO LTL 4 ME CAR HAUL ONLY

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    Another blonde joke a blond was stopped for speeding and the officer another blond stepped up to the window and asked the first one for her driver's license the first blond is digging thru her purse and can't seem to find it, so she asks the officer what it looks like. Blonde officer says is square and has your picture on it, blonde driver picks up a mirror and looks at it and says here it is and hands it to the blonde officer. The blonde officer looks at it and says (wait for it)

    OH I'M SORRY I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A COP ALSO HAVE A NICE DAY
     
  10. vongrimmenstein

    vongrimmenstein Well-Known Member

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    Dispatch sees a driver sitting in the same place for 20 minutes. Calls the driver and asks him what is taking him so long. He says I have been sitting here @ the railroad crossing the whole time. Dispatch asks just how long is the dam train. Driver says' 'I don't know, it hasen't arrived yet. von.
     
  11. vongrimmenstein

    vongrimmenstein Well-Known Member

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    Wife always complains I can't remember anything. I tell her '@ age 65 my memory is like my tally wacker, short most of the time, occasionally long. von.
     
  12. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.... He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
    After a week of this, the woman can’t stand it anymore.
    She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
    The supervisor is puzzled and asks, “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
    "It's Frank. The midget."
     
  13. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    I've heard a crowded elevator smells different to a midget.
     
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  14. vongrimmenstein

    vongrimmenstein Well-Known Member

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    Na, it can't be that bad for her. She is still holding his hand. Or , he has something else really going for him. von.
     
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  15. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    Bob walked into a bar at 5.58 pm, sits down beside an attractive blond,
    the 6 pm news is covering a guy standing on a ledge preparing to jump
    the blond asked Bob "do you think he will jump?"
    Bob says " yeah, I think he will"
    The blond says I'll bet he won't, Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar. says you're on.
    The guy does a swan dive off the ledge, hits the ground graveyard dead.
    Blond says fair's fair, here's your money.
    Bob said, "I can't take your money, I saw this on the 5 pm news and knew he jumped."
    The blond said, " I did too, but I didn't think he would do it again"
    Bob took her $20.
     
  16. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    I'm here to tell you, a simple typo can make your life hell!
    I recently texted my wife a short romantic note while away on a fishing trip, I missed
    a small "e"
    You would think this would not be a problem, "Wrong" this tiny error has caused me to
    seek police protection to enter my own home.
    I wrote, "Hi hon, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my life, wish you were her."
     
  17. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were
    met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.


    'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
    The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
    'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
    The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
    Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
    The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, '
    And just what do those symbolize?'
    The Irishman replied,
    'These are Carols.'
    And So The Christmas Season Begins......
     
  18. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Been around, BUT it's good.
    It may surely be coming to this sooner than later.
    CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
    GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
    CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
    GOOGLR: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
    CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
    GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
    CALLER: My usual? You know me?
    GOOGLE:
    According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered
    an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms
    and meatballs on a thick crust.
    CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …
    GOOGLE:
    May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula,
    sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?
    CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.
    GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
    CALLER: How the hell do you know?
    GOOGLE:
    Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.
    We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
    CALLER:
    Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take
    medication for my cholesterol.
    GOOGLE:
    Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.
    According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol
    tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
    CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
    GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
    CALLER: I paid in cash.
    GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
    CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
    GOOGLE:
    That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an
    undeclared income source, which is against the law.
    CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?
    GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
    CALLER:
    Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and
    all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV,
    where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
    GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…
     
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  19. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    [​IMG]
     
  20. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    A J B Hunt driver was in his back yard trying hard to get a kite in the air, it would get about 7 or 8 ft and fall back to the ground
    this happened 2 or 3 times when his wife looking from the kitchen window, says ,just like a man, you have to tell him how to do everything.
    She opens the window and said, "dummy, you need a piece of tail" he said "make up your mind, last night you said go fly a kite"
     

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