Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Saying goodbye to Mother .

    We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

    We phoned Uber and requested a ride. The car arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

    As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, had jumped the fence and shot back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house, because she always tries to get to the bird, with a meal in mind.

    My wife goes on out to the car, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the car, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

    A few minutes later, I get into the car. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'



    The cab driver hit a parked car.
     
  2. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    1947 & 1948


    This should give you a laugh...
    Just thought you should know..

    The year was 1947. Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947,
    70 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified
    Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and
    mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico
    .
    This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the
    U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and
    Organizations..
    However, what you may NOT known is that during the month of April, year 1948, nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:
    Barrack Obama Sr.
    Albert A. Gore, Jr.
    Hillary Rodham
    William J. Clinton
    John F. Kerry
    Howard Dean
    Nancy Pelosi
    Dianne Feinstein
    Charles E. Schumer
    Barbara Boxer
    Joe Biden
    This is the obvious consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and
    jack-asses.
    I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It
    certainly did for me.
    And now you can stop wondering why they so strongly support Illegal
    Aliens.
     
  3. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Women can be so cold



    Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma

    that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

    Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

    Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

    Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said,

    "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

    Alma agrees and again they make love.

    Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left?

    He touched Alma's shoulder and said,

    "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."

    She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

    Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head,

    and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

    He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

    "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

    His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

    "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning...You don’t!!!
     
  4. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    After a long courtship, Tom tied the knot with his girlfriend.
    One evening after their honeymoon, he was working on his motorcycle in the garage.
    His new wife was standing beside him, after a long period of silence, she said , I've been thinking since we're married maybe it's time
    you stop spending all your time here in the shop and sell your motorcycle, gun collection and that stupid fishing boat,too. Tom stared at her with a quizzical look on his face. She said 'Honey whats wrong?"
    "For a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife"
    "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE"
    Tom said " I wasn't"
     
  5. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The Painting
    An exquisite painting entitled "Home for Lunch" was on display in a Pennsylvania art gallery.

    It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out.


    The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.


    He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."


    After the curator left, the artist approached the couple and asked, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"


    "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.


    "Because I am the artist who painted the picture”, he replied, "In fact, there are no black Americans depicted at all. They're just three Pennsylvania coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
     
  6. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Top 10 country songs



    10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
    9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
    8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
    7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
    6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
    5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
    4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
    3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
    2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
    And the Number One Country & Western song is:


    1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.
     
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  7. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    SMART ASS ANSWERS
    SMART ASS ANSWER #6

    It was mealtime during an airline flight.
    'Would you like dinner?',the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
    'What are my choices?' John asked.
    'Yes or no,' she replied.

    SMART ASS ANSWER #5
    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
    Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
    SMART ASS ANSWER #4

    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
    The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

    SMART ASS ANSWER #3
    The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
    The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.
    When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

    SMART ASS ANSWER #2
    A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
    Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
    The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

    SMART ASSANSWER OF THE YEAR
    A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
    A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
    The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

    A BONUSEXTRA
    A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly...
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
     
  8. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    [​IMG]
     
  9. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    J B Hunt driver goes in for his physical, Doctor says "I have good news and bad news for you."
    Driver said , just came in off a trip, "I'm exhausted, give me the good news first."
    Well since your last physical, your penis has grown 2in.
    He said "man, thats great, what's the bad news?"
    Doc said, "it's malignant."
     
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  10. a9faninnc

    a9faninnc Super Moderator Staff Member

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  11. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Just Sharing a Laugh ….

    A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to
    order a drink when he sees a guy near him wearing a TRUMP “Make
    America Great Again” hat with two beers in front of him. The union
    boss does not have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a
    Republican.

    So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear,
    Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the
    Republican.;

    Soon after the drinks have been distributed, the Republican gives him
    a big smile, waves at him and says, Thank you! in an
    equally loud voice
    .
    This infuriates the union boss.

    The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the
    Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican.
    He continues to smile, and again yells, Thank you!

    The union boss once again, loudly orders drinks for everyone except
    the Republican. As before, this STILL doesn't seem to bother the
    Republican, who continues to smile and again yells, Thank
    you!

    The union boss asks the bartender, What is the matter with that
    Republican? I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in
    the bar except him, and all the guy does, is smile and thank me. Is
    he nuts?

    Nope, replies the bartender. He owns the
    place.
     
  12. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    During the medical exam of a female patient, the doctor said " your heart,lungs, pulse and blood pressure are fine
    Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble"
    The lady starts taking off her undies,but is interrupted by the doctor.
    "No! no!, just stick out your tongue!"
     
  13. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    A Jewish daughter says to her mother "I'm divorcing Nathan.
    All he wants is sex, sex and more sex, my vagina now is the size of a 50-cent piece, when it used to be the size of a nickle."
    Mom said "you're married to a multi-millionaire, you live in a 8 room mansion, drive a Ferrari, you get $2000 a week allowance
    take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 50 cents?'
     
  14. DCM_Doc

    DCM_Doc Well-Known Member

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    An old country preacher who had been rumored to occasionally take a nip of "cough medicine" was stopped by the county sheriff after he observed him driving very slow. The sheriff asked the preacher what was in the jug on the car seat. The preacher said it was water from the spring down by the county line. The sheriff smelled of the jug & told the preacher it smelled like wine. The old preacher still quick witted from the days of religious debates said "Praise the Lord, he's done it again"!
     
  15. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    A son asks his father, "how many kinds of boobs are there?"
    Father says, "son, there are 3 kinds, in a woman's 20s, they are like melons, round and firm,in her 30sand 40s, they'er like pears
    still nice but hanging a bit,after 50 they're like onions"
    "Onions?"
    "Yes, when you see them you want to cry."
    The wife was infuriated,then the daughter asked, "Mom, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
    Mom smiled and said, "well dear a man goes through 3 phases, in his 20s his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard,
    in his 30s and 40s, its like a birch,flexible but reliable, after 50 its like a christmas tree."
    "A Christmas tree?"
    " Yes, the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration."
     
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  16. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    A 72 yr. old man was having a drink in a Cedar Rapids bar when a gorgeous girl enters and sits a few seats away.
    She is so attrractive, he can't take his eyes off her.
    She notices him staring and comes over, she looks him deep in the eys and says" I'll do anything you like, anything
    you can imagine, no matter how extreme, I'm game, I want $100 and there's one condition."
    Completely stunned, he asked "whats the condition?"

    "You must tell me what you want in 3 words"
    He thought for a moment, whips out his wallet,puts ten $10 bills in her outstreched hand.
    He looks her straight in the eyes and says " paint my house"
    Older guys have different priorities!
     
  17. Big Dave

    Big Dave What?! A low bridge and boardwalk at same time?!!

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    That's why Donna came back to work with paint under her fingernails.....
     
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  18. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    A blond man is in the bathroom, his wife shouts, "did you find the shampoo?"
    "Yes, but I don't know what to do, it says for dry hair, and I've already wet mine"
     
  19. Big Dave

    Big Dave What?! A low bridge and boardwalk at same time?!!

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    So much for doing the rinse and repeat thing...
     
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  20. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    Never worried about my hair turning gray, it turned loose first.
     
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