Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. pro1driver

    pro1driver I am LOST

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    when i was younger and well before internet, i had gotten lots of information via mail regarding toupee's and weaves and plugs.

    as i got older, i concerned myself with "just for men" hair coloring.

    now that i am at death's door, i have the barber give me a number 1 haircut, which is basically a bald cut.

    i figure, i came into this world with short hair, might as well go out the same way.

    and i'll save all that money for all of the above for a decent casket and burial...
     
  2. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    Pro, I was lucky, I found out how to save my hair years ago . . . . . . In a shoe box!
     
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  3. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "my wife is pregnant, her contractions are only 2 minutes apart"
    911 operator asks, "is this her first child?" "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
     
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  4. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    I'm the blonde guy with hair turning white.... oooh... did I just admit to that.
     
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  5. pro1driver

    pro1driver I am LOST

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    after a while, i saved mine in a coin purse!
     
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  6. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  7. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife,"why come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
    She glanced at him and said ' because you are never home."
     
  8. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    Two men were talking
    "So, hows your sex life?"
    "Oh, nothing special,I'm having pension sex"
    "Pension sex?"
    "Yeah, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on"
     
  9. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    A woman phoned her blond male neighbor and said" close the curtains next time you and your wife have sex, the whole
    street watched and laughed at you two"
    The blond man said," the jokes on you, I wasn't even home yesterday"
     
  10. Cerberus_Kelpie

    Cerberus_Kelpie Well-Known Member

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    I'm of the natural opinion of just putting my body in a plywood box then onto a small motor free watercraft, set it on fire and give the craft a shove. Ashes to Ashes....end of line
     
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  11. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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  12. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    Three surgeons were discussing, which patients were best to operate on.
    The first one said, "accountants were easiest because when you open them up, all parts are numbered"
    The second surgeon said, "truck drivers are because everything is color coded"
    The third surgeon said, "politicians are because they have no guts,no heart,no balls,no brains, no spine, plus
    their mouth and butthole are interchangeable."
     
  13. DCM_Doc

    DCM_Doc Well-Known Member

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    I see no reason for an expensive funeral & casket. Many people opt for cremation when they price a traditional funeral. Just a few years back the local funeral home had a blank check for prices especially when there was no competition in a small town/county.
     
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  14. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    An angel visited a woman and told her she was being considered for heaven, but she must give up smoking, drinking and
    unmarried sex if she was to be admitted to heaven.
    The woman said she would try her very best.
    T he angel came back a week later to see how she was doing.
    "Not bad, I've given up drinking and smoking, however yesterday, I bent over to get something from the freezer, my boyfriend
    saw my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and
    there."
    "We don't do that in heaven." said the angel..
    "apparently they don't do it in Costco's either."
     
  15. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    THIRTY TIMES?


    On a farm out in the country, lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke. While looking out the window toward the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.


    When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.


    The oldest son woke to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he reached the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.


    She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.


    The second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.


    The youngest son woke up, saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.


    "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.

    Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even

    as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"


    Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."


    Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?
     
  16. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    One night an 87 yr old woman came home from bingo and found her 97 yr old husband in bed with another woman.
    She became so angry, she pushed him off the 20th floor balcony of their assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
    When brought before the court on murder charges, the judge asked if she had anything to say in her defense.
    " Yes your honor, I figured that at 97 , if he could still have sex......He could also probably fly."
     
  17. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Lol...
     
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  18. Big Dave

    Big Dave What?! A low bridge and boardwalk at same time?!!

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    Am I the only one who got aroused listening to that LT1 going through the gears??
     
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  19. pro1driver

    pro1driver I am LOST

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    she has more miles on her, then my former truck when i got hurt.
     
  20. othertrucker2001

    othertrucker2001 Professional Flummoxer

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    There was a lt1 in the video???
     

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