Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.
Me too neither
I thought growing old would take longer.
Sometimes, the first step towards forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot.
I wonder people who spell "u" instead of "you" do with all their spare time.
Growing old is hard work...
the mind says "yes" but, the body says " what the hell are you thinking"
Why did the cows return to the marijuana fields?
It was pot calling the cattle back.
A little boy says, Dad, did you know, in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?
It's like that every where son.
According to The Three Stooges, the proper order is: 1) Idiot. 2) Moron. 3) Imbecile.
In Traffic people are labeled an Idiot or Moron (usually with a expletive) yet never an Imbecile.
I guess it's just genetics.
Whatever Jeans one is wearing, such will display, through speech, their Genes.
How do you keep a Pollock in suspense?
I'll tell ya tomorrow.
One mans' pun is anothers' pleasure.
Why do we keep our drawers in a drawer?
Why do people announce "coming out" but never "going in"?
Why is it that there's never enough time to do something right, but there's always time to do it twice (or thrice)?
The plural of Moose is Moose like the plural of Mice is Mice (not meeces to pieces) and the plural of Goose is Geese yet other animal plurals are weird, why?
A Murder of Crows..........a Gaggle of Geese............to wrongs don't make a right but 3 lefts do..........less on this later..........
Thanks, I'll check back tomorrow.
A madam opened the brothel door, a dignified, well dressed man walked in, "may I help you sir?"
I want to see Valerie, She said "Valerie is our most expensive lady, perhaps you would like to see someone else"
"No I must see Valerie."
Just then the gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man, she charges $5,000 a visit.
He pulls out the money without hesitation, they went upstairs, after about an hour he comes down and leaves.
The next night, same thing, he pays $5,000, they go upstairs about an hour, comes down and leaves.
Next night he's back, same thing,after their session, Valerie says "no man has ever been with me 3 nights in a row"
"Where are you from?"
He said "Cedar Rapids"
"Really, I have family there"
He said, "I know, your sister died, I'm her attorney, she asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of this story is, 3 things you can count on in life.
Being screwed by a lawyer
I bet he was from BRG-Patel Attorneys at Law.
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
A very pregnant young woman stood before a judge, she had 12 illegimate kids, the judge had warned her, if she came before
him, pregnant again, there would be repercussions.
"What do you have to say for yourself",he asked?''
"Yo honor, I got pregnant by a ghost"
The highly irritated judge asked, "has anyone in this courtroom had or ever heard of having sexual relations with a ghost?"
A low voice from the rear said "I is, yo honor".
"Approach the bench, come forward" said the judge.
" Now, you are standing here, telling me you've actually had sexual relatiions with a ghost?"
"Oh no, yo honor, from back there where I was sittin, sounded like you said a goat."
A Frog goes to a Gypsy Seer to find out if he will ever be Lucky in Love..??? The Seer reads his Palm and tells the Frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first”..??? The Frog wants to learn good News at first. The Gypsy Seer says, “You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her and you will give your Heart to her.” “That’s friggin awesome” says the Frog. “So, what’s the Bad News”..??? “Well, you’re going to meet, in her Biology Class.
A man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,“May I buy you a cocktail?”
"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City
public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers . The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet
that'll be chasing you."(LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want
to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention
that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey
Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat
cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many
tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone
who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't...... Sign here."
At age 8, you take her to bed and tell her a story.
At age 18, you tell her a story and take her to bed.
At age 28, you don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At age 48, she tels you a story and takes you to bed.
At age 58, she tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At age 68, you stay in bed to avoid her story.
AT age 78, if you take her to bed, that'll be a story.
At age 88, what story? what bed? who the hell are you?
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
During a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting
You a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y j elly and said,
'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found
Her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
Of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
The j udge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could
have sex... he could also fly.'
Irish Talking Clock ...
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off
his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way
to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked..
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'How's it work?' the friend asked,
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong
an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You ! It's 3:15 in the MORNING!'
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walks into a saloon to drink a beer
After a few minutes a cowboy walks in and says, "who owns the big white horse outside?"
Lone says "I do, why?
I just want you to know, he's so hot, he's almost dead.
They both ran outside and sure enough, Silver was almost dead from heat exhaustion.
L R gave him some water, Silver started to feel better, he said "Tonto, run a circle around Silver stir up a breeze and cool him off quicker".
Sure, Kemosabe and started running circles around Silver.
Lone Ranger went back inside to finish his beer.
A few minuteslater,
another cowboy comes in and says, "who owns the big white horse outside?"
Lone Ranger stands up and and says, "I do, whats wrong this time?"
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin"
AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
Teacher says to the students ....can anyone used the word fascinate in a sentence.
Nobody raises their and but little Johnny in the back.
Reluctantly the teachers calls on Johnny and says OK Johnny use the word fascinate in a sentence.
Johnny stands up and says.... When my mother gets up in the morning she puts on a 10 button blouse..... But she has such big boobs she can only fascinate.
Morris Schwartz on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is with his wife,his daughter and 2 sons, he says to them, "Bernie, you take
the Beverly Hills houses"
"Sybil, you take the Los Angles Plaza Apartments".
"Hymie, you take the offices over the City Center"
"Sarah, my dear wife you take all the residential buildings downtown"
The nurse is blown away with all this as Morris slips away, and says
"your husband hust have been a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property"
Sarah says" property? The azzhole has a paper route."
My wife, Julie, had been after me
for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out.
After finishing, I left to take care of another matter
before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower.
Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and
realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, I undid
the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself.
I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could
study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
"Well,Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just
never saw one mounted and framed."