Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.
Me too neither
I thought growing old would take longer.
Sometimes, the first step towards forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot.
I wonder people who spell "u" instead of "you" do with all their spare time.
Growing old is hard work...
the mind says "yes" but, the body says " what the hell are you thinking"
Why did the cows return to the marijuana fields?
It was pot calling the cattle back.
A little boy says, Dad, did you know, in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?
It's like that every where son.
According to The Three Stooges, the proper order is: 1) Idiot. 2) Moron. 3) Imbecile.
In Traffic people are labeled an Idiot or Moron (usually with a expletive) yet never an Imbecile.
I guess it's just genetics.
Whatever Jeans one is wearing, such will display, through speech, their Genes.
How do you keep a Pollock in suspense?
I'll tell ya tomorrow.
One mans' pun is anothers' pleasure.
Why do we keep our drawers in a drawer?
Why do people announce "coming out" but never "going in"?
Why is it that there's never enough time to do something right, but there's always time to do it twice (or thrice)?
The plural of Moose is Moose like the plural of Mice is Mice (not meeces to pieces) and the plural of Goose is Geese yet other animal plurals are weird, why?
A Murder of Crows..........a Gaggle of Geese............to wrongs don't make a right but 3 lefts do..........less on this later..........
Thanks, I'll check back tomorrow.
A madam opened the brothel door, a dignified, well dressed man walked in, "may I help you sir?"
I want to see Valerie, She said "Valerie is our most expensive lady, perhaps you would like to see someone else"
"No I must see Valerie."
Just then the gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man, she charges $5,000 a visit.
He pulls out the money without hesitation, they went upstairs, after about an hour he comes down and leaves.
The next night, same thing, he pays $5,000, they go upstairs about an hour, comes down and leaves.
Next night he's back, same thing,after their session, Valerie says "no man has ever been with me 3 nights in a row"
"Where are you from?"
He said "Cedar Rapids"
"Really, I have family there"
He said, "I know, your sister died, I'm her attorney, she asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of this story is, 3 things you can count on in life.
Being screwed by a lawyer
I bet he was from BRG-Patel Attorneys at Law.
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
A very pregnant young woman stood before a judge, she had 12 illegimate kids, the judge had warned her, if she came before
him, pregnant again, there would be repercussions.
"What do you have to say for yourself",he asked?''
"Yo honor, I got pregnant by a ghost"
The highly irritated judge asked, "has anyone in this courtroom had or ever heard of having sexual relations with a ghost?"
A low voice from the rear said "I is, yo honor".
"Approach the bench, come forward" said the judge.
" Now, you are standing here, telling me you've actually had sexual relatiions with a ghost?"
"Oh no, yo honor, from back there where I was sittin, sounded like you said a goat."
A Frog goes to a Gypsy Seer to find out if he will ever be Lucky in Love..??? The Seer reads his Palm and tells the Frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first”..??? The Frog wants to learn good News at first. The Gypsy Seer says, “You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her and you will give your Heart to her.” “That’s friggin awesome” says the Frog. “So, what’s the Bad News”..??? “Well, you’re going to meet, in her Biology Class.
A man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,“May I buy you a cocktail?”
"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City
public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers . The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet
that'll be chasing you."(LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want
to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention
that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey
Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat
cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many
tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone
who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't...... Sign here."
Separate names with a comma.