Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. Tandem Stopper

    Tandem Stopper Advertiser

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    Don't forget to mark your calendars.

    As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.

    So next Saturday at 1:00 P.M. Eastern Time, all American and Canadian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

    All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.

    Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

    God bless !

    P.S. It is your patriotic duty to inform others. If you don't share this with at least 1 person, you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are possibly aiding and abetting terrorists.
     
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  2. Tandem Stopper

    Tandem Stopper Advertiser

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  3. Tandem Stopper

    Tandem Stopper Advertiser

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    A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

    "What are you doing?" she asked.

    "I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

    "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

    "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

    "Love dress? But you're naked!"

    "Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

    The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

    Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

    "What are you doing?" he asked.

    "This is my love dress," she replied.

    "Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
     
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  4. Tandem Stopper

    Tandem Stopper Advertiser

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    What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

    Beat it. We’re closed.
     
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  5. Tandem Stopper

    Tandem Stopper Advertiser

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    My wife was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from our daughter's bedroom.
    When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

    What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

    Our daughter replied, "I'm 27 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

    Later that week I was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
    When I went downstairs, I found our daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

    "What are you doing?" I exclaimed.

    Our daughter replied, "I'm 27 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

    A couple of days later my wife heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
    In there, she found me watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside me.

    "What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

    I replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
     
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  6. Tandem Stopper

    Tandem Stopper Advertiser

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    85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’

    The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

    Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’
     
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  7. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    WWII CONFESSION

    An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession.
    "Father, during WWII a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to
    hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic."
    The priest replied,
    "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess."
    "It's worse, Father.
    I was weak and told her she must repay me with her sexual favors."
    The priest replied, "You were both in great danger and would have suffered
    terribly if the Germans had found her. God, in his wisdom and mercy, will
    balance the good and the evil and judge you kindly. You are forgiven."
    "Thank you, Father, that's a great load off my mind.
    I have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest.
    "Should I tell her the war is over?" replied the man.
     
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  8. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Animal talk


    While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and
    sheep and began a conversation.

    Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

    Indian: "Dog no talk."

    Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

    Dog: "Doin' alright."

    Indian: Look of shock.

    Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

    Dog: "Yep"

    Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

    Indian: Look of total disbelief.

    Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

    Indian: "Horse no talk."

    Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

    Horse: "Cool."

    Indian: Extreme look of shock.

    Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian

    Horse: "Yep"

    Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
    down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

    Indian: Total look of utter amazement

    Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

    Indian: "Sheep big liar."
     
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  9. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.


    Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."


    About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?"


    The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure."


    So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."


    Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.
     
  10. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

    And here we go...

    #10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

    #9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

    #8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

    #7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

    #6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

    #5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

    #4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

    #3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

    #2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

    And the Number One reason

    Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....


    #1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!
     
  11. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  12. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  13. Tandem Stopper

    Tandem Stopper Advertiser

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    If a Lot Lizard has a runny nose.....Does that mean she is full?
    :smilies 19296:
     
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  14. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand, and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you, Sir?"
    "Yessh! Sssssomebody sssshtole my carrrrr!" the man replies.
    The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

    "It wasss on the end of thisshh key!" the man replies.

    About that time, the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for the entire world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

    Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out...

    "Holy :shit:! My girlfriend's gone, too!!!"
     
  15. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
    The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.


    Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
    The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
     
  16. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...

    ~A Cup of Tea ~

    One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

    I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

    Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

    My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

    Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
     
  17. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    MAKING IT 'STIFF':





    To make it stand,


    You wet it!


    To make it wet,


    You suck it!


    To make it stiff,


    You lick it!


    To get it in,


    You push it!



    Damn!


    Threading a needle when you're older is a BITCH!!!
     
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  18. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more."I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any""But I always buy it here," says the blonde"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.."YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container........." TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM "


     
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  19. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The Cremated Husband


    Martha recently lost her husband.

    She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

    Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
    Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

    "Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me?

    I bought it with the insurance money!"
    She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
    Herman, remember that new car you promised me?

    Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
    Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,

    "Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me?

    Bought it too, with the insurance money!

    Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,

    "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?
    ......Here it comes
     
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  20. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Cussing

    A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

    The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues.

    "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell" and you say "ass."

    "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

    Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast.

    "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

    WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,

    slapping his rear every step.

    The mom locks him in his room and shouts,

    "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

    She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old,

    and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"

    "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!
     
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