Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Male Logic!
    [​IMG]
    She was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband
    walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.
    Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while
    she labored away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're
    asking me about supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside
    and make dinner yourself!"


    So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes,
    garlic bread, and a tall beer.
    [​IMG]


    His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked,
    "Where's my dinner?"


    "Huh? I thought you were out of town."
     
  2. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    DEEPLY PROFOUND THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING


    Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole,
    just fishing quietly and drinking beer.




    [​IMG]

    Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bobsays, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

     
  3. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    My gun permit

    With all of these recent events I made certain my gun permit was updated. After updating I went over to the local gun shop to get a small9mm for home protection. When I was ready to pay by credit card for the gunand bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

    Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did as she had instructed.

    When the hysterical shrieking and alarms subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.
    I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
     
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  4. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Difference between Potentially & Realistically!

    A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

    The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

    So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"

    The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"

    The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

    The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

    The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?"

    "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

    The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

    The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer.
     
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  5. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Irish Compassion....
    Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston,
    the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

    Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry,
    but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.
    I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board,
    and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.
    I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.



    When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
    "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat
    Will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.



    Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
    "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.
     
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  6. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Thanks for the memories!



    This will make you smile.

    Heavens to Murgatroyd! Would you believe the email spell checkerdid not recognize the word Murgatroyd?
    Lost Words from our childhood:


    Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad really! The other day a not so elderly (65) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said what the
    heck is a Jalopy? OMG (new phrase!) he never heard of the word jalopy!! She knew she was
    old but not that old...
    Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle...
    by Richard Lederer
    About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because
    of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included "Don't touch that dial,"
    "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry."


    Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker to straighten
    up and fly rightHeavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy moley!


    We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of
    being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!
    Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell?


    Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers.

    Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.

    We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, well I'll be a monkey's uncle! or This is a fine kettle of fish! We discover that the words we grew up with,- the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our
    tongues and our pens and our keyboards.


    Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone.
    Where have all those phrases gone?


    Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it.Hey! It's your nickel.

    Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper.

    Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers.
    Don't take any wooden nickles.
    Heavens to Murgatroyd!
    It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills.


    This can be disturbing stuff !

    We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a child each new word is
    like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words
    that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more,except in our collective memory.


    It's one of the greatest advantages of aging.
    See ya later, alligator!
     
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  7. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a truck driver in a white semi truck pulls up beside her.
    After following along for a while, he turns to her and asks, “Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”

    ...
    “NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

    The trucker again pulls up beside her and asks,

    “Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop in.”

    “NO!” says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

    The semi truck pulls up beside the little girl again and the driver says,

    “Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks “and” a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop in the truck and we will go for a ride.”

    Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out…

    “Look Dad, you’re the one who bought the Volvo instead of the Peterbilt…YOU RIDE IT!!”
     
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  8. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Jewish Pickle Factory


    Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory.

    For many years he had a powerful desire

    to put his penis in the pickle slicer.


    Unable to stand it any longer,

    he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.


    After six months, the therapist gave up.

    He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it

    or he would probably never have any peace of mind.


    The next day he came home from work very early.

    His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.


    Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire

    to put his penis in the pickle slicer.


    He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it,

    and he was immediately fired.


    Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.

    She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts

    only to find a normal, completely intact penis.


    She looked up and said,

    "I don't understand.

    What about the pickle slicer?


    Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."
     
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  9. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The Good Grandpa

    A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved three year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.


    Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long — easy, boy."

    Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It’s okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

    At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."


    Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it.

    That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.

    Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."


    Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert - the little bastard's name is Steve." I'm going to beat the :shit: out of him when I get him home.
     
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  10. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    THE GLOBAL RECESSION
    The recession has hit everybody really hard.

    My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

    Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

    CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

    Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

    A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

    I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

    If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

    McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

    Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

    Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

    My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

    A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

    A picture is now only worth 200 words.

    When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

    The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

    And, finally...I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
     
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  11. Big Dave

    Big Dave Dispatcher for Team BRG-Wong

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    ^^^^^^
    Read that post as Rodney Dangerfield. It's even funnier. :notworthy:
     
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  12. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A Polite Way to Call Someone a Bastard


    A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him the first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

    They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

    The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

    As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

    The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

    The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

    The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.

    And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.
     
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  13. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    WORLDS WORST GOLF FOURSOME:

    1. MONICA LEWINSKI
    2. O. J. SIMPSON
    3. TED KENNEDY
    4. BILL CLINTON
















    WHY, YOU ASK?









    1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
    2. O. J. IS A SLICER
    3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND
    4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST


     
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  14. ABFer

    ABFer Super Moderator Staff Member

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    ugh...that is not up to the usual Stimpy standard.
     
  15. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night .

    Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

    The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

    Ron replied, "That would be my wife.
     
  16. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  17. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  18. Big Dave

    Big Dave Dispatcher for Team BRG-Wong

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    That would make me 11 minutes late....
     
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  19. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    So would that make you last
     
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  20. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Who's Duck?

    A lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California


    and if you don't let me get that duck I'll sue you and take everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the North Dakota Three Kick Rule."

    The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

    The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land,

    first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times

    and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work
    boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second
    kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
    The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
    end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,

    "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
     
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