Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The Audit



    At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.


    While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?


    Good question, noted the CFO. We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.


    Oh, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?


    Ah, yes, replied the CFO, realizing that the auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster.


    I see, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.


    Well, he went on, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?


    Here, too, we do not waste, answered the CFO. What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.
     
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  2. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A Cardiologist's Funeral


    A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.

    A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

    Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.

    The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

    At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

    When all eyes stared at him, he said, ’I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

    The proctologist fainted.
     
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  3. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY



    God came to visit Eve. “So, how is everything going?” inquired God.



    “It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It’s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain.”



    And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more “symmetrically balanced”.



    “That’s a fair point,” Replied God, “but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.”



    And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.



    “Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?”



    “Just fantastic,” she replied, “but for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.”



    God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let’s see... where did I put that useless boob?



    Now doesn’t THAT make more sense than all that stuff about the rib?
     
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  4. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    [​IMG]


    Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
    Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."
    Paddy asks, “Does it Hurt?"
    Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for 12 months."
     
  5. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
    "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's me husband?"
    "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...."
    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
    "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
    Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

    "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

    "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

    "Well, Brenda. No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
     
  6. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The ostrich story

    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he
    sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
    The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
    "What's yours?"
    "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
    A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please,"

    and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,

    "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

    Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
    This becomes a routine, until late one evening, the two enter again.

    "The usual?" asks the waitress.
    "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the
    man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
    A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
    Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
    The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
    "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
    "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
    "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
    The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
    The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs
    who agrees with everything I say.
     
  7. a9faninnc

    a9faninnc Super Moderator Staff Member

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    HOW FIGHTS START:
    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's when the fight started...
    ____________________________________________________________
    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have s#x?'
    'No,' she answered.
    I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started...
    ______________________________________________________________
    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."
    And that's when the fight started...
    _____________________________________________________________
    My wife was at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, "Do you know him?"
    "Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."
    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
    And that's when the fight started...
    When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
    ____________________________________________________________
    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, "What's on TV?"
    I said, "Lots of dust."
    And that's when the fight started...
    ______________________________________________________________
    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
    I bought her a bathroom scale.
    And that's when the fight started...
    ____________________________________________________________
    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair.She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
    When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
    And that's when the fight started...
    ______________________________________________________________
    My wife was standing n@ked, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
    And that's when the fight started...
    ______________________________________________________________
    I rear-ended a car this morning... the start of a really bad day!
    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
    He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
    So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you?'
    And that's when the fight started...
     
  8. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

    The Taliban said, "My thirst is killing me. Please ...do you have any water?"


    The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?

    They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."


    The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced western adornment.

    I spit on your ties. I need water!"

    "Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $150."

    "Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"

    "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

    Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.


    Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said,

    "Your stupid brother won't let me in without a tie"
     
  9. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    [​IMG]



    AT THE BAR


    Having already downed a few power drinks,
    she turns around, faces him, looks him straight
    in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking.
    I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere,
    their place, my place, in the car, front door,
    back door, on the ground, standing up,
    sitting down, naked or with clothes on...
    It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."
    His eyes now wide with interest, he
    responds, "No kidding... I'm in
    Government too. Are you federal or state?"
     
  10. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
    assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons
    and laws of the church, by hand.



    [​IMG]

    He notices, however, that all of the monks are
    copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
    So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question
    this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
    error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
    In fact, that error would be continued in all of
    the subsequent copies.

    [​IMG]

    The head monk, says, "We have been copying
    from the copies for centuries, but you make a
    good point, my son."

    [​IMG]

    He goes down into the dark caves
    underneath the monastery where the original
    manuscripts are held as archives,
    in a locked vault that hasn't
    been opened for hundreds of years.
    Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.

    [​IMG]

    So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
    He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
    "We missed the R! We missed the R!
    We missed the bloody R!"
    His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
    The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
    With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
    "The word was ....

    [​IMG]

    CELEBRATE!"
     
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  11. ABFer

    ABFer Super Moderator Staff Member

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    A lady walked into Tiffany's. She looked around, spotted a beautiful diamond bracelet and walked over to inspect it. As she bent over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farted.

    Very embarrassed, she looked around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prayed that a salesperson was not anywhere near. As she turned around, her worst nightmare materialized in the form of a salesman standing right behind her – good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displayed all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greeted the lady with, "Good day, madam. How may I help you today?"

    Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

    He answered, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to :shit: when I tell you the price."
     
  12. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

    The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

    "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
    The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office

    And gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
    The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains,

    "Well, doc, it's like this.

    First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

    Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.

    Then I asked my wife for help.

    She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left hand, but nothing.

    She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,

    then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

    Hell, we even called up the lady next door,

    and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
    The doctor was shocked, "You asked your neighbor?"
    The old man replied,

    "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
     
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  13. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever Pup had fresh air.

    [​IMG]


    She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

    I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

    "Stay! Stay!"

    The driver of a nearby car, a pretty, young blonde lady, gave me a strange look and said,



    [​IMG]

    "Why don't you just put it in Park?"
     
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  14. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'.


    In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

    The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

    Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

    "Homer," said the doctor, "Just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

    They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office.

    "What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

    "Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

    "Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

    "Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"
     
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  15. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point. The question was, “where do women mostly have curly hair”? Apparently, the correct answer was Africa.

    One of the other questions was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

    I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

    There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

    You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

    A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
    I said "How can you tell them apart?"
    He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

    Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend!!

    Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.

    The Red Cross has just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. He said they need clean water. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
     
  16. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The Pharmacist


    A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"

    "Yes we do," he answered.

    She asked, "Does it work?"

    "Yes it does," he answered.

    She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

    "I can, if I take two," he replied.
     
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  17. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    You might have to think twice about this one.


    A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.


    'How did this happen?' the emergency Room doctor asked her.


    'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.


    'What?' sputtered the doctor? 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'


    'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought,

    'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...

    I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'


    'So then?' asked the doctor.


    'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'


    'So then?'


    'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise.

    So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
     
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  18. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    It's tough - Getting Older


    [​IMG]

    Two medical students were walking along the street
    When they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
    He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
    One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
    Those people walk just like that."
    The other student says: "No, I don't think so.
    The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
    He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
    Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
    They approached him and one of the students said to him,
    "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk,
    but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
    Could you tell us what it is?"

    The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
    The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
    The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
    The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
    The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
    So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

    The old man said,
    "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
     
  19. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    One dark night outside a small town in Wisconsin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

    Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company papers.

    From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.

    To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

    Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief.

    "What are you going to do with all that money?"
    "Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck.
     
  20. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A guy walks into a bar in North Carolina and orders a white wine.



    All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.


    The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"


    The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."


    The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"


    The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."


    The bartender says, "A taxidermist?

    What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"


    "No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."


    The bartender grins and hollers, "It’s okay boys. He's one of us."
     
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