Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.
Do you think that bar in NC has a special restroom for a taxidermist??
I guessing. ..out in the woods. ...to be closer to their work. ..lol
I know you are relating this to Bruce. ...
An Irish man confessed: 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,
and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. ‘The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me
of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied,'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week,
Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.
'The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head
with an even bigger frying pan knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question:
'When you die and go to Heaven... Which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said: 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Little Johnny said:
'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night,
Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: ‘Oh! God, I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The Nun fainted...
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?
Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid.
Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered.
"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go ...
Ate salad for dinner … Mostly croutons & tomatoes ... Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce ... And cheese ... FINE, it was a pizza ... I ate a pizza …
How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web ...
I don't mean to brag but … I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes ...
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it ...
Kids today don't know how easy they have it ... when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel ...
Senility has been a smooth transition for me ...
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I forgot where I was going with this ...
I love being over 50 … I learn something new every day … and forget 5 others...
A thief broke into my house last night … He started searching for money … so I woke up and searched with him ...
My dentist told me I need a crown … I said, “You bet, pour mine over rocks” …
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day ...
PS: Sunday, March 13, 2016 begins Daylight Savings Time … Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night ...
"Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed."
A Short Gun Story....
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a Ruger 9mm with a ten shot magazine and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo".
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .....
Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...
ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe.... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "
"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
A husband and wife are shopping at a Walmart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
The wife says, “What do you think you're doing?”
He says, “They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans!”
“Put them back, we can't afford them,” demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles later, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
The husband says, “What do you think you're doing?”
“It’s my face cream,” replies the wife. “It makes me look beautiful.”
Her husband says: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and they’re half the price!”
A liar, a sexist, and a criminal walk into a bar,
..The bartender says, "welcome Senator Clinton, what are you having today?"
5 minutes later Donald Trump walks in. He leans over, and with a smile on his face says "the media are really tearing you apart for that Scandal."
Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?" Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?" Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?" Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Using my secret private server with classified material to Hide my Activities?" Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything Else?" Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, Hiring Cronies, And taking bribes from foreign countries? Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the drones being operated in our own country without The Benefit of the law?" Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it Declared Bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?" Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?" Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity Deals?" Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "The IRS targeting conservatives?" Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Turning Libya into chaos?" Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?" Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Turning our backs on Israel?" Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "The joke Iran Nuke deal? " Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Leaving Iraq in chaos? " Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The DOJ spying on the press?" Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance Executives?" Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 Months Later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?" Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The NSA monitoring citizens' ?" Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?" Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?" Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Threats to all of Bill's former mistresses to keep them quiet" Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I've got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and China when Bill left Office?" Trump: "THAT'S IT! I almost forgot about that one".
that's when the fight started
Little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says,
"7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20-inch penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown."
The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK?"
In a very weak voice the little guys says,
"Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says,
"When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
"I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20-inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown.''
The small guy says,
"Thank God!!! I thought you said turn around.'"
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, “No, I'd like to see something more special.”
Hearing that, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought over another ring. “Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,” said the jeweler.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
Seeing this, the old man said, “We'll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made.
The old man said, “By check. Now I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds, and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.”
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man and said, “There's no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man, “but let me tell you about my weekend!”
You been spying on me????
AT THE NEW SENIORS COMPLEX
On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new
seniors pointing out some of the rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males,
and the male quarters to the females.
"Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
"Anybody caught breaking this
rule the second time will be fined $60".
caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180".
"Are there any questions?"
gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired:
much for a season pass" ???
Gotta love those elderly guys, eh.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things…
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters:
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland.
One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy.
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation.
Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms
to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said,
"But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord nodded and said,”Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."
Separate names with a comma.