bigbird42368
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I thought that amongst all the pressure of the Election,economy and all the lay-off going on in America .Maybe we can tell some good CLEAN jokes so we can smile.:smilie_132:
Laugh A Little
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bigbird42368
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Why did the scarecrow go home early from the dance?
answer: he had NO Body to dance with.
answer: he had NO Body to dance with.
bigbird42368
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Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand these days. I wasn't surprised when one of my daughter's friends showed me a delicate little Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she begged.
"I won't," I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"
"Honesty," she said.
"I won't," I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"
"Honesty," she said.
wonderring99
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Two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey Tim, what're you in for?"
"I'm getting my tonsils out - I'm a little worried," said Tim.
"Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!"
"Oh yeah?" replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"
"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is!" Sammy answered.
"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"
"I'm getting my tonsils out - I'm a little worried," said Tim.
"Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!"
"Oh yeah?" replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"
"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is!" Sammy answered.
"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"
bigbird42368
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bigbird42368
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Church Bulletin:
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
bigbird42368
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I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "
and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "
and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
bigbird42368
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A Blind guy is walking with his seeing-eye dog when the dog stops,and the guy feels a stream of water running up,then down his leg.
The blind guy reaches down and pets the dog on his head.
A passer-by seeing the whole scene asked the blind gent your dog just peed on your leg,why are you petting him on his head?
The blind guy says well I have to find his head first ,so I can kick him in his butt!
The blind guy reaches down and pets the dog on his head.
A passer-by seeing the whole scene asked the blind gent your dog just peed on your leg,why are you petting him on his head?
The blind guy says well I have to find his head first ,so I can kick him in his butt!
bigbird42368
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Thanks I saw that someplace,& thought I'd add it in with your joke thread.
Heres one more I think this tends to be kind of lame,but I'll throw it out anyways.
A blonde was way overweight,so she goes to her Doctor to have him advise her on a diet plan.
The Doctor grants her wish,and instructs her to eat normal meals for 2 days then skip a day.
Repeat that program for 2 weeks,when I see you after those 2 weeks you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
2 weeks later the blonde walks into his office 40 pounds lighter.
The Doc's eyes got real big,and says why thats truely amazing,nobody has ever lost that much weight following my instructions?
The blonde says well I thought I was going to die at the end of each 3rd day.
The Doctor asked her what from the hunger?
No Doc from all of the skipping you wanted me to do!!!
See I warned you it was lame,most of those blonde jokes are like this one.
Heres one more I think this tends to be kind of lame,but I'll throw it out anyways.
A blonde was way overweight,so she goes to her Doctor to have him advise her on a diet plan.
The Doctor grants her wish,and instructs her to eat normal meals for 2 days then skip a day.
Repeat that program for 2 weeks,when I see you after those 2 weeks you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
2 weeks later the blonde walks into his office 40 pounds lighter.
The Doc's eyes got real big,and says why thats truely amazing,nobody has ever lost that much weight following my instructions?
The blonde says well I thought I was going to die at the end of each 3rd day.
The Doctor asked her what from the hunger?
No Doc from all of the skipping you wanted me to do!!!
See I warned you it was lame,most of those blonde jokes are like this one.
bigbird42368
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bigbird42368
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blond joke
after a bad hail storm blond goes to the body shop to check damage ,he thought he would have some fun and told her to go home and let the car cool down and blow on tail pipe and pop the dings right out ,she needed to save some money so she agreed to do so, she was at home blowing on the tail pipe when her twin sister walked up and said " no wonder people call us blonds dumb" don't you know you have to roll the windows up for that to work
after a bad hail storm blond goes to the body shop to check damage ,he thought he would have some fun and told her to go home and let the car cool down and blow on tail pipe and pop the dings right out ,she needed to save some money so she agreed to do so, she was at home blowing on the tail pipe when her twin sister walked up and said " no wonder people call us blonds dumb" don't you know you have to roll the windows up for that to work
New Chemical Element Found! - Governmentium (Gv)
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element has been named "Governmentium."
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (Am) – an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element has been named "Governmentium."
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (Am) – an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
bigbird42368
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Snowman ,that is the best one yet
bigbird42368
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Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out
And getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring co usins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland ,
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw .
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just...
A COMMONTATER
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out
And getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring co usins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland ,
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw .
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just...
A COMMONTATER
bigbird42368
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Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
AMEN, AMEN !!
AMEN, AMEN !!
