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Smoking in the rain.
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> Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
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> Arlene: What in the hell is that?
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> Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
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> Arlene: Where did you get it?
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> Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
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> The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
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> The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
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> 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
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> The pharmacist fainted.
 
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'Were they all dead?'

The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them "Bastards Lie!"
 
Hay Modes!!!!!

Hey modes, how bout we turn this into the "Funnies Thread" & have everyone post!!!
 
AN OLD FARMERS ADVISE:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight
And bull-strong.

*Keep skunks and bankers at a
distance.

*Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a
John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a
grudge..

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best
answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever
have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a
lotta' that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

* Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he's too old to fight, he'll just kill you.




A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to

‘The United States of America ’ for any amount, up to and including his life.
 
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
 
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
 
For those of you who enjoy a glass of wine...and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials , scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ::shit::.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
 
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at sex. The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the shopkeeper, "How could sandals make you into a sexfreak? The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on. " So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In he blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon, you got dem on da wrong dam feet!"...
 
bill zollars and jimmy hoffa have the whitest teeth I've ever come across.
 
Before the terrorists threw Leon Klinghoffer overboard the Achille Lauro they asked him if he wanted to clean up. He said "no thanks, I wash up on shore".
 
Ya know what Beth does every morning after she shaves her yssup? Puts a neck tie on him and sends him off to work.
 
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