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Just in Case You are a Senior and Get a Check for $250...
By end of this year, we seniors will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program.
I'll explain it using the Q and A format:
------------ --------- ---------
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia ?
A. Shut up or you don't get your check.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
1. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China .
2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia .
3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala .
5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
6. If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
7. If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.


Or, you can keep the money in America by:
1. spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2. going to baseball or football games, or
3. hiring prostitutes, or
4. buying cheap beer or
5. getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly-American-owned businesses still operating in the U.S.


Conclusion:
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to go get tattooed
 
COUNSELING - SOUTHERN STYLE



Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when

suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over Bubba,

women like that are hard to find."
 
The International Olympic Committee announced today that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn.

lindseyvonnflag.jpg


Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal more than Vonn because no one has ever gone downhill faster than he has.
obama-skiing.jpg
 
captphoto_1267807908947-1-0.jpg

A police car is pictured in Germany in 2009. A woman in Germany phoned police after hearing "suspicious noises" in her flat, but much to her embarrassment officers found the source was a vibrator, authorities said Friday.
 
TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE MY FRIENDS





Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white U.S. government official:


'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances.

You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'


The Chief nodded in agreement.


The official continued


'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'


The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied:


'When white man find our land with Indians running it, there were no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back, smiled then said......

'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that"
 


Let Me Tell You About My Weekend....

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a
beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special
ring for his new girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man
said, 'No, No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler
went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes
sparkled and her whole body

trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said,
'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man stated,
'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and
you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. Then, I'll pick the ring up Monday
afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account!'
'I know,' said the old man, 'but let me tell you about my weekend!'

All seniors aren't senile

 
Suject: MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES


If Laura,
Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Kate and Sarah.If Mike,
Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING
OUT


When the
bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20,
even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller and none will actually admit they want
change back. When the
girls get their bill, out come the pocket
calculators.


MONEY


A man will
pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman
will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but
it's on sale.


BATHROOMS


A man has
seven items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, shampoo and a
towel...The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom
is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of
these items.


ARGUMENTS


A woman
has the last word in any argument. Anything a
man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.


FUTURE


A woman
worries about the future until she gets a
husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.


SUCCESS


A
successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE


A woman
marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she
does.


DRESSING
UP


A woman
will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the
mail. A man will
dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL


Men wake
up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women
somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING


Ah,
children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and
dreams. A man is
vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY


A married man
should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing!


Sure hope this put a smile on your face!!!!
 
Subject: Release-Authorised: A SHORT LOVE STORY





A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and he in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........

'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own ****ing blanket.'


After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.


The End

 
capitalist_pig1_0_0-1.jpg

[size=18pt]Success breeds complacency. Complacency breeds failure. Only the paranoid survive.[/size]
 
[size=14pt]Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer
hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'



The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.


Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me , have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!


Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.' [/size]
 




NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.



(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.



(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.



(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!



(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)



(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.



(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').



(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!



(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
 
[size=14pt]

Subject: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO



Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.



FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR
TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING



A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO


[/size]






 
[size=18pt]What you call dog with no legs?


Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.[/size]​
 
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