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Yellow | YRC funnies thread - add yours/keep it clean

One More about MJackson

Instead of giving Michael Jackson a burial, they decided to have him cremated.

Then, another twist.... Since he was 99% plastic anyhow, the simply melted him down and turned him into Lego's.

NOW HE IS SAFE TO PLAY WITH KIDS
 
THOSE BORN 1920-1965

READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO. IF YOU DON'T READ ANYTHING ELSE---VERY WELL STATED

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, and 60's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.



They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.



Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.



We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.



As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.



Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat..



We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.



We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.



We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!



We would leave home in the morni ng and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on..



No one was able to reach us all day.And we were OK.



We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.



We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms.......

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!



We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.



We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever..



We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.



We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!



Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!



The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!



These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!



The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!



If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!



You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good .

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.



Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!



The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
 
An 85 year old guy goes to the Doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor runs some tests and gives the guy a very thorough examination.

The Dr asks some questions:

"How are your eating habits." says the Dr.

"Great" says the old man. "I eat three times a day and have a snack before bed."

The Dr replies "How do you eat so much and not put on weight?"

The old man replies "I walk three miles every day!" "Two in the morning and one at night."

"Wow" says the Dr. "That is great for your health!"

The old man replies "Yes, my wife helps me so much." "I normally get up at least once at night to **** so my wife had a light installed in the bathroom that automatically goes on at night when I open the door."

"That's fantastic" says the Dr. "Everything seems to be fine with you." "Is your wife still in the lobby?"

"Yes" says the old man. So the Dr brings her in and talks to her. He explains that the old man's heart is good, and overall he is very healthy. He tells her that it was a great idea to install that automatic light in the bathroom so when the old man opens the door the light goes on.

The wife looks quizically at the Dr. and says "What are you talking about?" The Dr. explains what the old man told her. Then a light bulb goes off in the wife's head and she says to the Dr. "I wondered who was pissing in the refrigerator every night!"
 
Lets take the management hostage, we will shrink wrap them all on pallets, and keep moving them around from state to state in the back of the trailers. We will feed Zollars and the gang from the vending machines. This place will run it self better than these guys can run it. Customers will love it. Please label your T.M. properly, we dont want one of them misrouted to Home Depot.
 
The difference between authority and power

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana , and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown
drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he
points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of
the FederalGovernment with me.'

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly
displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed
to go
wherever I wish . . . on any land. No questions asked or answers given.
Have I made myself clear?

Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA
officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize
bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it
seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety.

The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools,
runs to the fence and yells at the top of his
lungs . . .

'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
 
Joe Teamster is sitting at the dining table, reading his morning paper.

His daughter walks in and asks, "Daddy, where do I get my good looks and brains from?"

Without lowering the paper, Joe replies, "You must have gotten them from your Mother, dear. I STILL HAVE MINE."
 
This guy gets on the elevator with this lady. As they're going up, he turns to her and says "Excuse me, but can I smell your yssup"? "NO"!!! "Oh, it must be your feet".
 
Call Girl

Barack Hussein Obama was looking for a call girl..
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said,

'I am the President of the United States.

Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'


She replied, $200.'

To the brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was $100.



He then asked the redhead

Her reply was,


'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages,

get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas,

keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have retirees,

then it isn't going to cost you a damn cent!'
 
What do ya say to Micheal Jackson on the beach? Get out of my son!
 
Grab a fresh drink, as this is a longin!

Airline Humor:

West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in
Calgary, Alberta. West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some alleged examples that have been heard or reported:


On a West Jet flight (There is no assigned seating, you

just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,

when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking

out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

-----------------------

On another West Jet Flight with a very

"senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and

gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the

cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your

flight attendants."

------------------------

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to

take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make

sure it's something we'd like to have."

------------------------

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but

there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." -----------------------

"Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you

enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a

ride."

---------------------------

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the

Vancouver Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big

fella. WHOA!"

-------------------------

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms

in Ontario , a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, "Please take

care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,

sure as hell everything has shifted."

-----------------------

From a West Jet Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard

West Jet Flight 245 to Calgary . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab

into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,

if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out

in

public unsupervised."

---------------------

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,

masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it

over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your

mask

before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small

child, pick your favorite."

-----------------------

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some

broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank

you,

and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet

Airlines."

------------------------

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and

in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them

with our compliments."

-----------------------

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of

your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the

flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

---------------------------

And from the pilot during his welcome message:

"West Jet Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best

flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this

flight!"

-----------------------------

Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard

landing in Edmonton : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,

"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm

here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the

pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the

asphalt."

------------------------------

Overheard on a West Jet Airlines flight into Regina , on

a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was

really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant

said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina . Please remain in your seats

with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our

airplane to the gate!"

------------------------------

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than

perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo

bounces us to the terminal."

---------------------

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he

had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy

which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers

exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He

said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the

passengers in

the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally

everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She

said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot.

"What is it?"

The little old lady

said, "Did we land, or were we

shot down?"

-------------------

After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax , the

attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats

until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a

screeching halt

against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are

silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage

to the terminal."

-----------------------

Part of a flight attendant's arrival

announcement:

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next

time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized

metal tube, we hope you'll think of West Jet Airways."

-----------------------

Heard on a West Jet

Airline flight. "Ladies and

gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the

wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

-----------------------

A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport . After

it reached a comfortable

cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement

over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg toMontreal .. The weather

ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now

sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain

came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if

I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant

accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of

my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,

"That's nothing. You

should see the back of mine!"
 
An elderly man was talking to his wife, they both relize he
could not hear. They both go to the doctor. As they enter
the office, the doctor greets them. The doctor says sir your
wife tell's me your having a hard time hearing? The man
replies yelling Whaaaaat? So the wife yells directly in his ear
what the doctor ask. The man yelling says yes doctor that's
correct. So the doctor replies we will have to run some tests
starting with a Blood ,urine and stool sample's. The man yelling again asking Whaaaaaat? The doctor says it again
Yelling towards the man, sir I need a Blood , Urine and Stool
sample's! The man yelling again asking whaaaaaat? The wife
frustrated yells directly in his ear.....................................
Honey just give a pair of your underwear!
 
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