What's new

Yellow | YRC funnies thread - add yours/keep it clean

[size=12pt]A girl asks her

Boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
[/size]
 
[size=14pt]What Do You Old Folks Do Now That Your Retired?[/size]

[size=14pt]I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you old folks do now that you’re retired?’
Well…I’m fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, vodka, and martinis into urine.

And, we’re pretty damn good at it too!!’ [/size]
 
Despair.jpg

[size=36pt]Obama-Care[/size]​
 
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???




Ever wonder why?




It's because she smells like a new golf bag
 
Football or XXX ?

A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple. "I don't know whether to watch them or the game,"
he said to his wife.


"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know how to play football!"
 
skull3.gif


[size=14pt]Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Maria: Maria.

Teacher: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.

Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
Teacher: No, that’s wrong.
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
Louis: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

Teacher: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, it’s the same dog.

Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.
​
[/size]
 
Not so much a funny but I wanted to share.


To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: GOD
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day.
I love you.


P.S. And, remember...
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.
Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!
Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you. You may have touched their life in ways you will never know!
Now, you have a nice day.
God
 
-----

Never
Argue with a Woman






One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside

cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.




Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.


She motors out a
short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,

and begins to read her book.


The peace and solitude are
magnificent.



Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.


He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'




'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')




'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.



'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'



'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.


For all I know you could start at any moment.


I'll have to take you in and write you up.'




'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.




'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.




'That's true, but you have all the equipment..

For all I know you could start at any moment.'




'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.




MORAL:

Never argue with a woman who reads.


It's
likely she can also think.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top