YRC funnies thread - add yours/keep it clean

Discussion in 'YRC Freight' started by mustache, Jul 6, 2009.

  1. imported_sundrop03

    imported_sundrop03 Member

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    Guy is walking down the street when he comes to a corner lot with a 10 ft tall wooden fence all the way around it. He can hear a bunch of people on the other side and they are chanting "13,13,13,13,13,13,13" that's all they say, noting else. He listens for a while and it starts to get to him, What is going on??? He looks around and finds a knothole in the fence about 5 foot of the ground. He bends down and looks thru the hole and someone sticks him in the eye with a stick! He starts to run away and he hears the people on the other side chanting "14,14,14,14,14,14,14!!!!!!! :poke:
     
  2. truckchick1

    truckchick1 Active Member

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    MY PRIVATE PART DIED


    An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

    One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

    Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes,
    Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

    'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

    Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a
    little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
    condolences.'

    The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall
    with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

    He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't
    be walking down the hall like that.

    Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

    'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you
    yesterday that my Private Part died.

    'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is
    it hanging out of your pajamas?'

    (You've gotta love this.)



    'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
     
  3. jimmy g

    jimmy g Kook

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    I gotta wonder where he wants to bury it?
     
  4. Jay C

    Jay C Banned

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    [quote author=jimmy g link=topic=63441.msg847207#msg847207 date=1279229465]
    I gotta wonder where he wants to bury it?
    [/quote]

    [​IMG]
    no God fearing man would be thinking along those lines​
     
  5. mustache

    mustache Well-Known Member

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  6. jimmy g

    jimmy g Kook

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    [quote author=thejoe link=topic=63441.msg847485#msg847485 date=1279312408]

    [​IMG]
    no God fearing man would be thinking along those lines​
    [/quote]

    Sure he would/ he's human, just shouldn't have said it.....; he'd also want to know if the guy wants to buy a Casket???? :biglaugh:
     
  7. jimmy g

    jimmy g Kook

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    [quote author=mustache link=topic=63441.msg847660#msg847660 date=1279342158]
    Morning Pee

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ANf4GsIAAQ
    [/quote]

    Gonna have to video a Great Dane pooping while he walks! :biglaugh: Need a front end loader to follow him and the Mastiff :hyper:
     
  8. mustache

    mustache Well-Known Member

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    Grandmas.
    I was out walking with my Grandson. He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that. Why' my Grandson asked. "Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied. At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?? You are so smart." I was thinking quickly and said to him. "All Grandmas know stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information. "Oh....I get it! he beamed, So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa". 'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.
     
  9. mustache

    mustache Well-Known Member

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    Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".�Pepsi�will market the new concoction by the name of:

    MOUNT & DO.


    Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

     
  10. mustache

    mustache Well-Known Member

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    WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING







    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

    Dear Mrs. Samuel,

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
    costing the company money.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

    6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

    9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    And last, but not least:

    14. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
     
  11. mustache

    mustache Well-Known Member

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    Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,

    "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.

    By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried really hard.

    By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem.

    I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

    "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

    "Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get.
     
  12. mustache

    mustache Well-Known Member

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    Subject: 4 Worms Church sermon...


    4 Worms Church Sermon !
    For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap



    Four worms and a lesson to be learned !!!!



    A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

    The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.


    The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.


    The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

    At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
    The first worm in alcohol- Dead

    The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead


    Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead


    Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

    So the Minister asked the congregation -
    What did you learn from this demonstration? ??

    Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

    'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'




    That pretty much ended the service!
     
  13. mustache

    mustache Well-Known Member

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    A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

    The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

    'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration... 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles...

    'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

    The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
     
  14. truckchick1

    truckchick1 Active Member

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    Chinese Wedding Night

    A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

    On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

    He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you,

    I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

    A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

    She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

    More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

    'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'__.
     
  15. mustache

    mustache Well-Known Member

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    Gentle Thoughts for Today...




    Birds of a feather flock together, and then Poop on your car...

    A penny saved is a government oversight...

    The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends...

    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement...

    He who hesitates is probably right...

    Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL...



    If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame...

    The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

    Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs'...

    Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it...

    Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved...

    When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra...

    You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks...

    One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

    Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . .. . . . . AMEN!
     
  16. mustache

    mustache Well-Known Member

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    One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

    The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

    Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

    Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

    The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

    The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

    Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
    'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!

    Moral of this story...

    Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
    BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
     
  17. truckchick1

    truckchick1 Active Member

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    Vasectomy


    A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
    Before the procedure a rather attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
    When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys.
    The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.
    Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.
    The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to complete.


    The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
    While they are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room masturbating.
    Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there"?


    The nurse responds,
    "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care.
     
  18. electraglideatl

    electraglideatl Well-Known Member

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    What are the three words you dread the most while making love?............"Honey , I'm home."........ :thumbsup:
     
  19. Jay C

    Jay C Banned

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    [quote author=electraglideatl link=topic=63441.msg853686#msg853686 date=1280674526]
    What are the three words you dread the most while making love?............"Honey , I'm home."........ :thumbsup:
    [/quote]
    [img width=400 height=266]http://cdn.parentsask.com/sites/parentsask.com/themes/parentsask/images/pregnant-sex.jpg[/img]
    hi honey
    [​IMG]
     
  20. mudman1

    mudman1 Member

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    [quote author=matthew123 link=topic=63441.msg658134#msg658134 date=1246975855]
    What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?A Michael Jackson slumber party.
    [/quote]that funny
     

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