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Yellow | YRC funnies thread - add yours/keep it clean

Two good ol' boys in an Alabama trailer park were sitting around
talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the
Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "Iff'n I was to sneak
over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off
huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched
his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us
even."
 
BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .

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'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
 
The Blonde & The Heart Attack
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says,'Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and
she's got no clothes on!'The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into
the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten '*****', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!
 
Senior Church Moment
A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation,... No one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, ... 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, ' If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!' More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, .... I will give him sex!'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said......'Screw him!'

Isn't senility wonderful?

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
 
Last night, my wife met me at the front door, wearing nothing but a see-through nightie.

I asked her, "Where the heck have you been, and what are you doing coming home so late?"
 
Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . . POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature!"
"Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?" "Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life ... As a matter of
fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!"

Then POOF! . . . she was gone!

After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the ***** willows."

Tom shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!
 
This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them 'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other toilet who keeps answering all my questions.'

Mobile phones, don't you just love them!
 
In your careers,
you will meet many people.. All are significant. They
deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
is smile and say 'hello.
 
thejoe said:
In your careers,
you will meet many people.. All are significant. They
deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
is smile and say 'hello.
Click to expand...

Hey Mr. Coffee, good evening. Good point but I usually tell most people to go f%#k themselves. :shift:
 
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
 
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel : "Pick
up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
promise land".

Nearly 75 years ago , Roosevelt said: " Lay down your shovels, sit on your
asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".

Now the government is going to steal your shovel, kick your asses, raise the price of
Camels, and mortgage the promised land.
 
now thats not funny mustache:wink1: would be:rofl2: if it wasnt so right on

:waycool:
 
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over
and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....

You'll love this...

Yep. I know you will...


"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
 
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be
when
he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'
 
"Crissscoooo"
A little old man is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!"

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3."
The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife.. She's in here somewhere"

The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?"

The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?"

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"LARD AZZ"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Profound Statements
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper
you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes
to pay off with your money.-- G. Gordon Liddy
7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the
expense of everybody else.-- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it
moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers
13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!-- P.J. O'Rourke
14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from
one party of the citizens to give to the other.-- Voltaire (1764)
15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!-- Pericles (430 B.C.)
16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.-- Mark Twain (1866)
17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous
18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one
end and no responsibility at the other.-- Ronald Reagan
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.-- Winston Churchill
20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.-- Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain
23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take
everything you have.-- Thomas Jeff erson
 
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Choosing a wife
> >
> > A man wanted to get married. He
> > was having trouble
> > choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman
> > a present of $5,000
> > and watches to see what they do with the money.
> >
> >
> > The first does a
> > total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her
> > hair done, new
> > makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely
> > for the man. She
> > tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for
> > him because she loves
> > him so much.
> >
> > The man was impressed.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The second goes shopping to buy the man
> > gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new
> > gizmos for his computer,
> > and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts,
> > she tells him that she
> > has spent all the money on him because she loves him so
> > much.
> >
> >
> > Again, the man is
> > impressed.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The third invests the money in the stock market.
> > She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his
> > $5,000 and reinvests
> > the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she
> > wants to save for their
> > future because she loves him so much.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Obviously, the man was
> > impressed.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The man thought for a long time about what
> > each woman had done with the money he'd g iven
> > her.
> >
> >
> >
> > Thenhe married
> > the one with the biggest
> > tits.
> >
> >
> > Men are like that, you know.
> >
> > There is more money being spent on breast implants and
> > Viagra
> > today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by
> > 2040, there should be a
> > large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
> > erections and absolutely no
> > recollection of what to do with
> > them.
> >
> >
> >
 
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