Yellow | YRC funnies thread - add yours/keep it clean
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truckchick1
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A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing..'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN!!!)
>
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing..'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN!!!)
>
imported_weave
TB Lurker
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A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
The day of the young mans wedding his father gave him some advice,"Son, on your mothers and mine wedding night I removed my pants and handed them to your mother and said put these on" she said I can't wear these , they are way to big for me.I told her that was right that I wear the pants in this family and don't you forget it. So the son got married and in the hotel room that night he removed his pants and handed them to his new wife and said ,"Put these on" where upon she said,"I can't wear these they are too big.He said, right,I wear the pants in this family and don.t you forget it.
She began to undress and pulled her panties off and handed them to her new husband and said,"Here,put these on". He said,"I can't get in your pants".She said,"Thats right and you ain't going to until you change your smarta$$ed attitude.
She began to undress and pulled her panties off and handed them to her new husband and said,"Here,put these on". He said,"I can't get in your pants".She said,"Thats right and you ain't going to until you change your smarta$$ed attitude.
J
Jay C
Guest
Things to ponder~
Obama's health care plan will be:
· written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it,
· passed by a Congress that hasn't read it,
· signed by a president who smokes,
· funded by a treasury chief who did not pay his taxes,
· overseen by a surgeon general who is obese,
· and financed by a country that is nearly broke.
Obama's health care plan will be:
· written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it,
· passed by a Congress that hasn't read it,
· signed by a president who smokes,
· funded by a treasury chief who did not pay his taxes,
· overseen by a surgeon general who is obese,
· and financed by a country that is nearly broke.
truckchick1
TB Veteran
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A preacher concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately-needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech
impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seats of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the minister an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And, Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And, Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents.
"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting
that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"
Louie just nodded. "That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could!"
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately-needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech
impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seats of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the minister an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And, Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And, Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents.
"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting
that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"
Louie just nodded. "That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could!"
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"
truckchick1
TB Veteran
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AMISH SEX!
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'
He did, and warmed his nose.
The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My ***** is frozen solid.' The logical things ensued.
The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asked,
'Have you ever heard of a *****?'
Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?'
The daughter replied,
'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!!!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'
He did, and warmed his nose.
The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My ***** is frozen solid.' The logical things ensued.
The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asked,
'Have you ever heard of a *****?'
Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?'
The daughter replied,
'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!!!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
truckchick1
TB Veteran
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DON'T LET THIS GET OUT I DON'T THINK OBAMA HAS THOUGHT OF IT YET.
OH CRAP I FORGOT THEY ALREADY READ OUR E-MAIL
Legislators, realizing the success of the "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan.
Congress is expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named...
"CASH FOR CODGERS" and it works like this...Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.
Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 or more pounds over their government prescribed
weight, and any member of the Republican Party.
Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.
All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair.
OH CRAP I FORGOT THEY ALREADY READ OUR E-MAIL
Legislators, realizing the success of the "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan.
Congress is expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named...
"CASH FOR CODGERS" and it works like this...Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.
Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 or more pounds over their government prescribed
weight, and any member of the Republican Party.
Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.
All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair.
truckchick1
TB Veteran
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SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options..
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected..
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' "
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight.."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
he could also fly."
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options..
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected..
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' "
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight.."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
he could also fly."
J
Jay C
Guest
Teamsters In China
中国教育在线 - Beijing,China
¹ØÓÚ°ÄÖÞÃûУ½Ý¾¶¿Î³ÌIBT¼ò½é - ÁôѧƵµÀ|³ö¹úÁôѧ|ÁôѧÉêÇë|Ç©Ö¤|½±Ñ§½ð|offer¡ªÖйú½ÌÓýÔÚÏß 澳洲留学向来以完善的留学政策与环境著称，最近，一种名为IBT的澳洲文凭课程受到了很多中国学生的喜爱。据了解，就读IBT文凭课程的高中毕业生，将比一般留学生提前一年 ... IBT Forum
中国教育在线 - Beijing,China
¹ØÓÚ°ÄÖÞÃûУ½Ý¾¶¿Î³ÌIBT¼ò½é - ÁôѧƵµÀ|³ö¹úÁôѧ|ÁôѧÉêÇë|Ç©Ö¤|½±Ñ§½ð|offer¡ªÖйú½ÌÓýÔÚÏß 澳洲留学向来以完善的留学政策与环境著称，最近，一种名为IBT的澳洲文凭课程受到了很多中国学生的喜爱。据了解，就读IBT文凭课程的高中毕业生，将比一般留学生提前一年 ... IBT Forum
truckchick1
TB Veteran
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Sorry this is what I wake up to every day in my email.
truckchick1
TB Veteran
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DIVORCE AGREEMENT
THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.
American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.
You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood ..
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.
We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you can answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
PS: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.
PPS: And when you call us, you won't have to press 1 for English.
THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.
American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.
You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood ..
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.
We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you can answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
PS: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.
PPS: And when you call us, you won't have to press 1 for English.
truckchick1, that is great stuff, I think as time goes on you will hear more and more of this, people are really getting tired of all the B.S they dont want to hear what this side is doing wrong or vice versa, work together to fix the problem, or get the hell out, maybe we can layoff a couple hundred of these birds, and let them look for a job, what do you think?
THIS SAYS IT ALL!!!
In Homestead Florida , a fire destroyed a fourplex.
A Puerto Rican family of six car thieves lived on the first
floor, and all six died in the fire.
A Mexican group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the Country,
lived on the second floor and they, too, all perished in the Fire.
Six Black ex-cons drug dealers lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.
One white couple lived on the top floor. They survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew Into Miami
and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief. On camera, they loudly
demanded to know why the Blacks, the Mexicans and the Puerto Ricans
all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
The fire chief quietly replied, "Because they were at work."
In Homestead Florida , a fire destroyed a fourplex.
A Puerto Rican family of six car thieves lived on the first
floor, and all six died in the fire.
A Mexican group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the Country,
lived on the second floor and they, too, all perished in the Fire.
Six Black ex-cons drug dealers lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.
One white couple lived on the top floor. They survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew Into Miami
and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief. On camera, they loudly
demanded to know why the Blacks, the Mexicans and the Puerto Ricans
all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
The fire chief quietly replied, "Because they were at work."
YOU KNOW, SADLY, THIS MAKES A LOT OF SENSE!
Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington ? And,they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
------------------ -- ----------------------------------------------------
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the TenCommandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this--you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not CommitAdultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ..... it creates a hostile work environment.
Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington ? And,they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
------------------ -- ----------------------------------------------------
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the TenCommandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this--you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not CommitAdultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ..... it creates a hostile work environment.