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Wrench97

Wrench97

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Might as well get it started

A Homeless Man's funeral . . .

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He
had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the
Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being
a typical truck driver, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an
hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse
was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they
were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went
to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already
in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and
friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I
played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,
we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started
for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in
septic tanks for twenty years."



Apparently I'm still lost....
 
I DON'T ALWAYS HATE PEOPLE
dosequis_interesting.jpg

BUT WHEN I DO, THEY ARE YRC CEO'S !!!!!!!
 
Wrench97 said:
Might as well get it started

A Homeless Man's funeral . . .

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He
had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the
Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being
a typical truck driver, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an
hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse
was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they
were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went
to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already
in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and
friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I
played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,
we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started
for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in
septic tanks for twenty years."



Apparently I'm still lost....
Click to expand...
the only sound worse than a bagpipe is 2 bagpipes!!!!
 
Getting Old

Two medical students were walking in the park, when they saw an old man walking along slowly, stiff legged, with his legs spread apart.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man.. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what you have?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think you have Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you thought wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you thought wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, just exactly what DO you have?"

The old man said, "Well, I thought it was just a fart - but I thought wrong
 
Pants
and Panties


Mike
was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down
for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you
something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I
took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here,
try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I
wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'



Ever
since that night, we have
never had any problems.



'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good
thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his
pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large.
They don't fit me.'


Mike
said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always
will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen
took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said,
'Here, you try on mine..'

Mike did and said,
'I
can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And
if you don't change
your smart-ass attitude, you never
will
 
l

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like AFRICA ;
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!


Between 23 and 30, a woman is like EUROPE ;
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real
value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like SPAIN ;
very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.


Between 36 and 40, a woman is like GREECE ;
gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like GREAT BRITAIN ;
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like ISRAEL ;
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice,and takes
care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like CANADA ;
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.


After 70, she becomes TIBET ;
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an
adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN


Between 1 and 90, a man is like IRAN ;
ruled by nuts.


THE END
 
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night? Nurse: No change yet..............
 
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