Off-Topic Joke Thread

Spaghetti, I didnt know your name was Hector............:LMAO::LMAO::LMAO:
Wasn't me driver, I had a lot more style than that. This is how a lot of us Chicago drivers had to drive to get to the Union Pacific Rail Yard in down-town Chicago, when 22nd St./Cermak was closed due to construction. There are even some similarities of what the neighborhood and Pershing Road looks like, in this video too. :LMAO:

YouTube - Beverly Hills Cop - Cigarette Truck Chase
 
I ask my wife the other day if she was a parking ticket.........She said what do you mean?..........I said you have fine written all over you............THIS SCORED ME BIG TIME POINTS WITH HER........LMAO
 
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.



His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.

This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.

We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.

We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.

Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.

'Your name came up 7 times.'
 
I just got off the phone with friend in Minnesota .

She said that since early this morning the snow is nearly waist
high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and
the north wind is increasing. Her husband has done nothing but look through
the kitchen window all day. She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to
let him in.
 
10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.

Commandment 8.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.

Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Commandment 10.

Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
 
Subject: Fw: Dining out





A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under
the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.


The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.


The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."


The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in."
 
Subject: Fw: What is a calorie?









What is a calorie?





Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.

MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE *****;
 
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