Off-Topic Joke Thread

if you have a minute to waste……it is what it is. (Part 1)

01. If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more
poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

02. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

03. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

04. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

05. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

06. Over 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had
cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

07. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

08. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

09. As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is
impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake!

10. I'm responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

11. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most
never use it.

12. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to
have some immunity built up, but obviously, there's a new strain out
there.
 
if you have a minute to waste……it is what it is. (Part 2)

14. It's not my age that bothers me - it's the side effects.

15. I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere
near the curb on trash day.

16. As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure
of one thing: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

17. As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is
I'm just being more energy-efficient.

18. I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce
Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

19. If you find yourself feeling useless, remember: it took 20 years,
trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and four presidents to
replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

20. Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

21. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

22. I'm on two simultaneous diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

23. I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little
liar will stay until it apologizes.

24. My mind is like an internet browser. At least 18 open tabs, 3 of
them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

25. Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it
rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

26. My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I
would have found mute by now.

27. There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that
once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.
 
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'

God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'
 
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his dad. He watched patiently while his dad went from horse to horse running his hand up and down the horses legs, and across their chest and rump. After a few minutes Johnny asked "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His dad replied, "I want to make sure that they are in good shape and healthy before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried says "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy mom."
 

A guy comes home from a business trip earlier than expected​

This sends his wife into a panic. “Quick! Go stand in the corner like a statue. He’s so dumb, he’ll think you’re a piece of art.” She yells at her lover, pushing him to the darkened corner of the den.
As she predicted, her husband walked in, noticed the ‘statue’, asked her about it, had some dinner, watched TV for a while and eventually the couple went to bed. Afraid to move, the man stayed perfectly still the entire time.
Around midnight, the husband came out of the bedroom, and made two sandwiches. He walked over to the ‘statue’ and handed one of them to it, saying “I was stuck at the Smith’s house like this for hours… least she could’ve done was to offer me a sandwich.”
 
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