Off-Topic Joke Thread

Her: "I'm Carmen. I gave myself that name because I like cars and men.
Him: "Well allow me to introduce myself. I'm B.J. Titsandgolf.


A roadrunner's max speed is 20 mph. A coyote's is 42 mph.
Our whole childhood was a lie.


Do you know what a wok is?
A wok is what you throw at a wabbit when you don't have a wifle.
 

A blond is having trouble selling her car…​

She tells her friend that it has nearly 300k miles on it and it’s difficult to sell to anyone.
Her friend says he has a cousin she can take it to. He’s a mechanic and can roll back the miles on the car to make it easier to sell.
A month goes by and they run into each other. Her friend asks if she ever took her car to his cousin.
She replies that yes she did and he did a great job rolling back the mileage to around 30k miles.
Her friend asks if she was then able to sell the car.
She replies “No; I would never sell a car with such low mileage. I’m keeping it for myself.”

While we're picking on blonds​


A young blonde woman was fed up with the amount of stereotypical blonde jokes she kept hearing around the office.
She decided to prove everyone wrong and went home one night to memorize the capital of every country on Earth.
The next day in the office she overheard some coworkers making more blonde jokes and decided to make her point.
She told them, "You know not all blondes are necessarily dumb. For example, I can tell you the capital of absolutely any country."
Intrigued, her coworker asked, "Alright then, what's the capital of Denmark?"
The blonde said, "Easy, that one's a 'D.'"
 

Moms always know​

John invited his mother over for dinner one evening.
During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.
She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.
She watched them interact throughout the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.
Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you’re thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."

A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can’t seem to find it. You don’t think she would have taken it, do you?"
"I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.
------------------
John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter:
"Dear Mom,
While I’m not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you 'didn’t' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing.

------------------

Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read:

"Dear John,

While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I’m not saying you 'don’t' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed.

Love, Mom."
 
The Police came around last night and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
My dogs don't even have bikes.


This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat. It's obvious that she thought the cat could understand her.
I came home and told my dog and we laughed and laughed.
 
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