Off-Topic Joke Thread

I asked this young lady at the gym what her New Years resolution was and she said "F... You!' So...I'm pretty excited about the upcoming year.




Teacher: "So...an abstract noun is something you can think of , but not touch. Can someone give me 2 examples?"
Me: "Your boobs."
And that's why I failed 3rd grade. Been my problem ever since.
 
I asked this young lady at the gym what her New Years resolution was and she said "F... You!' So...I'm pretty excited about the upcoming year.




Teacher: "So...an abstract noun is something you can think of , but not touch. Can someone give me 2 examples?"
Me: "Your boobs."
And that's why I failed 3rd grade. Been my problem ever since.
I know the feeling, Wrench.
I had a nightmare last night, I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mama and I was a bottle baby
 
A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?

How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
 
SAD News: Please join me in remembering another icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday from a yeast infection and several traumatic pokes to the tummy. He was 71 and survived by his wife, Play Dough, 3 children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough and one in the oven. Service was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes



Earlier today I saw a bumper sticker that said "I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal."
Suddenly I realized, there sure are a lot of proctologists on the road.
 
One day the teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She comes to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read..."and Chicken Little goes up to the farmer and says "The sky is falling!" The teacher then asked the class, "and what do you think the farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said, "Holy sh!t...a talking chicken!" Teacher was unable to teach for 10 minutes.


Marriage is like a walk in the park...Jurassic Park.
 
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