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Off-Topic Joke Thread

"I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES

English I Love You
Spanish Te Amo
French Je T'aime
German Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese Ai :shit:e Imasu
Italian It Amo
Chinese Wo Ai In
Swedish Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian As Tave Meliu
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Vermont & Virginia. Nice tits-- Get in the Truck.
 
One winter morning a husband and wife in Watertown, NY were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered
side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car..

A week later, while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do… Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
 
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in
the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my
favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was
probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork
and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do
it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person
we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
 
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!!!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run---anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, “did I wake you?”

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM .

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in BIG PRINT for your convenience.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!

And, never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
 
A must read for Grandparents... (Those who aren't… will love it, too.)


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked,

'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative.


'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The little boy nodded 'yes'.


'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, ******** or *******. Do you understand all that?' The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or :shit:head" is it?'

The little boy shook his head 'NO'.
'GOOD', said the coach.

'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!'
 
Fred is truck driver and works overtime every day, but spends two
nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Fred! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Fred. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?''I recognize her, she's the waitress from the
golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred,
starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Freddie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club...
Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every
four-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Fred, you picked up a real ***** this time.'

Fred's funeral will be on Saturday.

Calling hours are from 6-9PM Friday night.
 
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