Joke Thread

Whenever Little Johnny's parents wanted some "alone time", they would send him out to the front porch with a bowl of ice cream.
This worked for a while, but eventually Little Johnny started eating the ice cream too quickly and would come back inside before his parents were done. So one day his mom came up with another idea to keep him occupied.
While bringing him out to the front porch, she said: "Johnny, once you've finished your ice cream, I want you to survey the whole neighborhood and then report back on your findings." He thought it was a fun idea and agreed, then his mom hurried back inside.
After finishing his ice cream, Little Johnny looked around the neighborhood, then after a few minutes he walked to his parents' window and yelled: "The Hendersons got a new car!"
His mom yelled back: "That's great, keep looking!"
After a few more minutes of surveying, Johnny yelled up to the window again: "The Bakers are planting flowers!"
His dad yelled back: "Good job, keep looking!"
Little Johnny went back to surveying the area, but after 5 minutes he ran back up to the parents' window and yelled: "Mr. and Mrs. Johnson are banging!"
Suddenly the commotion in the parents' bedroom stopped, and after a few seconds of silence, his mom popped her head out the window and asked: "How do you know the Johnsons are banging?"
Little Johnny replied: "Because their son Timmy is sitting on the front porch with a bowl of ice cream."
 
One day, the rain was pouring like crazy and a big puddle formed in front of a local pub just outside the Navy base. An old Marine Sergeant was standing near the edge of the puddle with his fishing line in a puddle. When a Navy fighter pilot saw this, he decided to approach the man and see what he was doing.

"Fishing," the old Sergeant replied.

‘This poor old fool,’ thought the Navy officer, so he invited the old man inside to buy him a drink.

While drinking their beers, the smart-ass fighter pilot decided to ask, “How many did you end up catching today?”

“You're the eighth,” the old Marine answered.
 
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles.
 
One day, 50 politicians were flying across the country in an airplane when
the plane started to experience mechanical problems. The plane crashed in a remote rural area. It took an hour for the first police car to arrive at the scene. There was an old farmer
was sitting on his tractor beside the wreckage. The police man got out of his car and looked inside the smashed fuselage. To his surprise, it was completely empty. He asked the farmer, "Where are all of the politicians who were on the plane?"
The farmer replied, "I dug a big hole with my tractor and buried them."
The police man asked, "How could you be sure they were all dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them insisted they were still alive, but you know, you can never believe anything a politician says."
 
An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.
*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*
The Englishman said to the wise man, “Is that anything to worry about?”
“No,” said the wise man, “Drums not bad. Only bad when drums stop.”
As they pushed farther into the jungle, the drumming gradually grew louder and faster.
*DUM-pum. DUM-pum. DUM-pum. DUM-pum.*
The Englishman felt uneasy and prodded the guide, “Are you quite sure that's all right?”
“Yes,” the wise man assured him, “Drums not bad. But when drums stop...very bad.”
Farther in, wading through the thickets and bogs of the deepest, darkest jungle, they could hear the drumming becoming more urgent.
*BUM-chika-chika. BUM-chika-chika. BUM-chika-chika.*

Before long the drumming had surrounded them, sounding mere inches away, the deafening rhythm accelerating to a frantic pace.

*BUM-bakka-chika-chika-BUM-bakka-chika-chika BUM-bakka-*

Now gripped with mortal fear, the Englishman's wide eyes darted frantically in all directions, his heart racing, his body pouring sweat, when all at once the drumming ceased.

*...chika-chika BOOOM.*

Then silence.

Utterly panic-stricken, the Englishman gushed, “My God, what happens now!?”

The wise man slumped his shoulders, hung his head sadly, and moaned, “Now...bass solo.”
 
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