Off-Topic Joke Thread
- Thread starter Wrench97
- Start date
A friend is a small engine mechanic. He said a customer brought his chainsaw back several times because it would not cut properly. The mechanic kept it over night twice to see if it was losing prime but it started every morning & the chain was still sharp & still looked new. Finally the mechanic took the customer out back where he had some logs he tried out saws. When the mechanic started the saw the customer said, "Hey man what is that loud noise"?
Once again dedicated to Victor... 
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it.... I couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was as a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it.... I couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was as a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
More Victorisms...
Why do peanuts float in a regular coke and sink in a diet coke? Go ahead and try it.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it’s only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is “bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
HOW DID THE MAN WHO MADE THE FIRST CLOCK, KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS?
Why do peanuts float in a regular coke and sink in a diet coke? Go ahead and try it.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it’s only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is “bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
HOW DID THE MAN WHO MADE THE FIRST CLOCK, KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS?
A lot of thought went into those tidbits.
Rounding3rd
TB Lurker
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Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?
I don't know maybe Victor or his uncle knows.
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If they don't, you've always got Powder Puff.I don't know maybe Victor or his uncle knows.
The joke was originally told to me by a friend of Polish ancestry as was the customer in the joke. He repeated jokes about his parent's homeland. Polish people are much like rednecks who also can also laugh at jokes about themselves. Few countries have endured as much adversity & survived.
At least 15% more than we used to read them.A lot of thought went into those tidbits.
A couple of retired guys regularly play a round of golf at their local club every Saturday morning, no matter what.
One day, one of them is about to tee off on the 12th hole when a funeral procession turns onto the street that runs next to the golf course's back nine. The guy stops, takes off his hat, holds it over his heart, and bows his head until the procession is out of sight.
"Wow!" says the second guy. "That was one of the most touching things I've ever seen. I can't believe you'd stop like that, just for a funeral procession."
"Well," says the first guy. "We were married for 45 years; it's the least I could do."
One day, one of them is about to tee off on the 12th hole when a funeral procession turns onto the street that runs next to the golf course's back nine. The guy stops, takes off his hat, holds it over his heart, and bows his head until the procession is out of sight.
"Wow!" says the second guy. "That was one of the most touching things I've ever seen. I can't believe you'd stop like that, just for a funeral procession."
"Well," says the first guy. "We were married for 45 years; it's the least I could do."
We have one of those "smart" TV's in our bedroom and it is about ten years old.. Started having problems with the power cord connection and TV was shutting off and on by itself.. Just out of luck I smacked it like an old TV and sucker has been working ever since..
