Bastard???????
Joke Thread
- Thread starter Wrench97
- Start date
Boss: "You're late again, what's the excuse this time?"
Driver: "A cat fell on my head and then a dog with shoes tried to do me justice."
Driver: "A cat fell on my head and then a dog with shoes tried to do me justice."
Come on, who else could have gone from a liability on the ticket (that coming from her own party) to the greatest thing since sliced bread, all in just a few weeks?
Rounding3rd
TB Lurker
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Same as they did Biden, only in reverse
They stabbed him in the back then said what a great guy he is. With friends like that who needs enemies?
A first grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what exactly is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6 ?'
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "You know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, "Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions."
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question.
Harry replied: "Pockets" to the Principal’s great relief.
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, "Put him in 5th Grade. I got the last five questions wrong myself."
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6 ?'
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "You know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, "Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions."
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question.
Harry replied: "Pockets" to the Principal’s great relief.
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, "Put him in 5th Grade. I got the last five questions wrong myself."
A Cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I picked out the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, ripped out his nose ring, kicked his bike over, Then I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the life out of all of you!”
St. Peter was impressed, and asked, “When did this happen?”
“Couple minutes ago."
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I picked out the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, ripped out his nose ring, kicked his bike over, Then I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the life out of all of you!”
St. Peter was impressed, and asked, “When did this happen?”
“Couple minutes ago."
Hebrew Lesson
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3,000 years old! The piece of stone was removed from the archaeological site, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The president of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.
"You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
"The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.
"Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that during a famine, they seek food from the sea.
"The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then an old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots... Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: 'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that chick!' "
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3,000 years old! The piece of stone was removed from the archaeological site, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The president of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.
"You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
"The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.
"Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that during a famine, they seek food from the sea.
"The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then an old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots... Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: 'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that chick!' "
A retired gentleman of quite mature years befriended a younger woman in her prime, and a romance bloomed.
He proposed, she accepted, but the gent decided that a physical exam was in order before the wedding.
The doctor's verdict was "You're not the man you once were, but with clean living, you could still be here for quite a while."
"But Doctor", said his patient, "I'm about to marry a much younger woman. How can I keep her satisfied?"
"With a man of your age", said the doctor, "I'll be frank; my advice to you is to take in a young boarder".
Several months later, the two men met again on the street, and the old gent looked terrific.
"How's your new wife?" asked the Doc.
"I'm happy to say she's pregnant."
"I guess you took my advice", said the physician, "about that young boarder."
"That I did, sir, and she's pregnant too!"
He proposed, she accepted, but the gent decided that a physical exam was in order before the wedding.
The doctor's verdict was "You're not the man you once were, but with clean living, you could still be here for quite a while."
"But Doctor", said his patient, "I'm about to marry a much younger woman. How can I keep her satisfied?"
"With a man of your age", said the doctor, "I'll be frank; my advice to you is to take in a young boarder".
Several months later, the two men met again on the street, and the old gent looked terrific.
"How's your new wife?" asked the Doc.
"I'm happy to say she's pregnant."
"I guess you took my advice", said the physician, "about that young boarder."
"That I did, sir, and she's pregnant too!"
I like the way he thinks.
