Joke Thread

A Canadian, a Italian and a Russian are looking at a depiction of Adam and Eve.

The Canadian says, "Look at them , they are so serene and kind looking, they are obviously Canadian."

The Italian says, "No. The are a very good looking, just a handsome couple. They are obviously Italian."

The Russian says, "They are very obviously Russian. Just look at them! They have no clothes to wear! They have no house to live in! They only have a apple to eat! And they are being constantly told they are in heaven!"
 
My wife and kids were discussing whether to have me buried or cremated.

They decided to let me live.




I lost at the local bar trivia contest last night. The question was "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently, the correct answer was Fiji.





They used to be called jumpolenes until my ex wife bounced on one.
 
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16," he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years' ?"

"I remember that, too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
 
Southern Nativity scene...

In a small southern town there was a Nativity Scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a Quik Stop on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.' "
 
If your wife asks "What would you most like to do to my body", identify it is the wrong answer.

I know that now.


Sitting in a recliner naked, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos, minding my own business and WalMart called the cops. Who knew?


Never did find out what the Knights in White sat in.


My wife asked if I knew what her favorite flower is.
Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct answer.


I know that now.


My wife: Have you noticed the new couple next door? Every morning he gives her a kiss before he goes to work. How come you
don't do that?
Me: I'm retired and I don't even know the woman.


Just saw a homeless person with a sign that said "One day it could be you" so I put my dollar back in my pocket, just in case that MF was right.
 
My new favorite joke to tell at parties.

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a kitty willow."

"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"
 
My new favorite joke to tell at parties.

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a kitty willow."

"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"
Come on Wrench, it loses something without the correct name for that branch! 😄
 
Last edited:

Latest Posts

Top
AdBlock Detected