Off-Topic Joke Thread
- Thread starter Wrench97
- Start date
Stay !!
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
local shopping center and rolled
Down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there.
I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady,
gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in Park
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
local shopping center and rolled
Down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there.
I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady,
gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in Park
A crusty old man walks into the local church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you... What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office, and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery, and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this ***** giving you a hard time?"
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you... What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office, and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery, and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this ***** giving you a hard time?"
strangedays50
TB Regular
- Credits
- 0
A man takes his elderly father into his doctor for a physical, once in the office the nurse ask the old man to please step
on the scale, the old man looks at his son and says what,what the hell she want, the son leans over and says she wants
to weigh you dad just get on the scale.Next the nurse ask if she can take the gentlemans BP,once more the old man ask what, what the hell does she want now, again the son calmly says just your blood pressure dad thats all,seeing
this isnt going well for the old man she decides to try and wrap this up as quickly as possible,she says to the son , sir,
I really dont know how we can do this but his doctor really needs a stool sample, blood sample, urine sample and if all possible a seimen specimen, the young man grins pats the nurse on the hand leans over to his dad and says
dad give this nurse your underware and were outta here
on the scale, the old man looks at his son and says what,what the hell she want, the son leans over and says she wants
to weigh you dad just get on the scale.Next the nurse ask if she can take the gentlemans BP,once more the old man ask what, what the hell does she want now, again the son calmly says just your blood pressure dad thats all,seeing
this isnt going well for the old man she decides to try and wrap this up as quickly as possible,she says to the son , sir,
I really dont know how we can do this but his doctor really needs a stool sample, blood sample, urine sample and if all possible a seimen specimen, the young man grins pats the nurse on the hand leans over to his dad and says
dad give this nurse your underware and were outta here
Northern Flash
Today's Democrats are similar to Commies.
- Credits
- 413
I can do that with my forklift. No problem.
A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings.
The wife says she’ll get the door and goes downstairs.
When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form.
He pulls out two one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist.
She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money.
Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether.
She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground.
Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves.
When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door. She says just Bill.
The husband replies, “Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?
The wife says she’ll get the door and goes downstairs.
When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form.
He pulls out two one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist.
She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money.
Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether.
She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground.
Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves.
When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door. She says just Bill.
The husband replies, “Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?
Subject: Advice to an old guy
>> ADVISE TO AN OLD GUY
>>
>>
>> An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he
>> spotted a sweet young thing.
>> He asked the trainer that was near by "What machine in here should I use
>> to
>> impress
>> that sweet thing over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said
>> "I would try the ATM in the lobby"!!
>> Sad but true.
>
>
>> ADVISE TO AN OLD GUY
>>
>>
>> An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he
>> spotted a sweet young thing.
>> He asked the trainer that was near by "What machine in here should I use
>> to
>> impress
>> that sweet thing over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said
>> "I would try the ATM in the lobby"!!
>> Sad but true.
>
>
Let's see if I have this
right......
1. If walking/cycling is
good for your health, the postman would be
immortal.
2. A whale swims all
day, only eats fish, drinks water and is
fat.
3. A rabbit runs and
hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't
run, does nothing ..yet lives for 450
years.
........AND
YOU'RE TELLING ME TO EXERCISE!
right......
1. If walking/cycling is
good for your health, the postman would be
immortal.
2. A whale swims all
day, only eats fish, drinks water and is
fat.
3. A rabbit runs and
hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't
run, does nothing ..yet lives for 450
years.
........AND
YOU'RE TELLING ME TO EXERCISE!
WALKING THE DOG
A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft ... the plane would reboard in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said ... 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses ... People scattered. They not only tried to change planes ... but they were trying to change airlines!
True story....Have a great day and remember....
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR
--
A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft ... the plane would reboard in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said ... 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses ... People scattered. They not only tried to change planes ... but they were trying to change airlines!
True story....Have a great day and remember....
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR
--
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.
Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear."
Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves,
slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and to my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge.
A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted.
A man who would look into my soul and say . . . ..
"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now
Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear."
Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves,
slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and to my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge.
A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted.
A man who would look into my soul and say . . . ..
"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now