Pup Driver
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Man those two remind of Corn Bread at 309 .Came from Yellow 300.
Off-Topic Joke Thread
- Thread starter Wrench97
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FEMALE Shampoo alert!
As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time
to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the
shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"!
Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?
Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"!
Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says right on the label
"dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
It pays to read the warning labels, my friends!
As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time
to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the
shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"!
Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?
Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"!
Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says right on the label
"dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
It pays to read the warning labels, my friends!
A Somalian arrives in New York as a new immigrant to America. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !'
The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a American ?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans ?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !'
The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a American ?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans ?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'
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TENDER MOMENTS
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're Bad Luck!
TENDER MOMENTS
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're Bad Luck!
Subject: Fwd: Old Married Couple
An old man and woman were married for many years even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there were no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig! I had him buried upside down, and you know men won't ask for directions!!"
An old man and woman were married for many years even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there were no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig! I had him buried upside down, and you know men won't ask for directions!!"
Pup Driver
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/Grannies on the Road
Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding Drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching he car, he notices that there are five elderly Ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127.
Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding Drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching he car, he notices that there are five elderly Ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127.
Why She Changed Motels . . . .
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
rag-a-muffin
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Why I'm Not Married Anymore
My wife decided to have some fun one night last week. She was going on a weekend-long retreat with several other ladies at our church. They thought they would like to see my reaction to some great "tragedy" in our life.
At about 3 am, I got a knock on the front door. When I answer, I am startled to see 2 police officers at the door.
One told me, "Sir, I have some very bad news for you."
"What is it?" I ask.
Second police officer "Sir, I have a photo of a woman that we believe is your wife. I need you to look at this photo and verify if this is her or not."
I study the photo for a moment then I tell them, that yes, this is my wife, but I explain to them that she is out of town.
First police officer "Sir, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but it looks like your wife was run over by an 18-wheeler."
To which I reply, "Yes, I know. But she is a tremendous cook, and she has a very warm personality"
I go before the family court next week.
My wife decided to have some fun one night last week. She was going on a weekend-long retreat with several other ladies at our church. They thought they would like to see my reaction to some great "tragedy" in our life.
At about 3 am, I got a knock on the front door. When I answer, I am startled to see 2 police officers at the door.
One told me, "Sir, I have some very bad news for you."
"What is it?" I ask.
Second police officer "Sir, I have a photo of a woman that we believe is your wife. I need you to look at this photo and verify if this is her or not."
I study the photo for a moment then I tell them, that yes, this is my wife, but I explain to them that she is out of town.
First police officer "Sir, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but it looks like your wife was run over by an 18-wheeler."
To which I reply, "Yes, I know. But she is a tremendous cook, and she has a very warm personality"
I go before the family court next week.
BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!
Subject: Fw: ANAL GLAUCOMA
I've heard all kinds of excuses but Iv'e never heard of this one before.
Another new Illness to watch out for... Anal Glaucoma
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
'What's the matter?' he asks.
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.
'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'
'I can't see my ass coming into work today.'
I've heard all kinds of excuses but Iv'e never heard of this one before.
Another new Illness to watch out for... Anal Glaucoma
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
'What's the matter?' he asks.
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.
'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'
'I can't see my ass coming into work today.'
nothumbleenough
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On her way out of the 11 am Mass, a lady said to her priest. "Father, I am having a problem with my two parrots." The priest replied, "What seems to be the problem?" "They say, rather candidly, Hi, we're hookers, do you want to have some fun."
"That's blasphemous!" exclaimed Father. "Something must to be done!" "You know, I have two parrots; Luke & John, they spend most of their days looking a pictorial Bible and saying prayers. Surely, if we got them together, your parrots would learn more appropriate Christian phrases."
"An excellant idea," the lady said, "I'll bring them to your home in the morning."
The next morning, she and her parrots were at the front door. As the priest ushered her into the family room, she noticed the parrots were saying the prescribed prayers to their respective rosaries. Impressed, she hurriedly placed her parrots in the cage with the two parrots.
After a few minutes of exchanged glances among the four parrots, the females proudly announced, "Hi, we're hookers." "Do you want to have some fun?"
There was an extensive stunned silence!
Finally, Luke squawked, "Put down the beads, John, our prayers have been answered!"
"That's blasphemous!" exclaimed Father. "Something must to be done!" "You know, I have two parrots; Luke & John, they spend most of their days looking a pictorial Bible and saying prayers. Surely, if we got them together, your parrots would learn more appropriate Christian phrases."
"An excellant idea," the lady said, "I'll bring them to your home in the morning."
The next morning, she and her parrots were at the front door. As the priest ushered her into the family room, she noticed the parrots were saying the prescribed prayers to their respective rosaries. Impressed, she hurriedly placed her parrots in the cage with the two parrots.
After a few minutes of exchanged glances among the four parrots, the females proudly announced, "Hi, we're hookers." "Do you want to have some fun?"
There was an extensive stunned silence!
Finally, Luke squawked, "Put down the beads, John, our prayers have been answered!"
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nothumbleenough
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The only time you hear "Jesus Christ" in a Unitarian church is when someone falls down the stairs
nothumbleenough
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a lady teed off at a local golf course and her ball strayed into an adjacent fairway where it stuck a man, somewhere below the waist. The golfer, in obvious pain, fell to the ground.
The lady rushed over and offer him some assistance in relieving his pain. He refused her. She insisted that she give him aid, because his hurt was all her fault and besides, she was a Registered Physical Therapist, who knew exactly what needed to be done.
So, he consented. She easily pulled down his pants and began massaging him. After a few minutes, she asked if he felt better.
He quickly replied, "That was great, but my thumb still hurts."
The lady rushed over and offer him some assistance in relieving his pain. He refused her. She insisted that she give him aid, because his hurt was all her fault and besides, she was a Registered Physical Therapist, who knew exactly what needed to be done.
So, he consented. She easily pulled down his pants and began massaging him. After a few minutes, she asked if he felt better.
He quickly replied, "That was great, but my thumb still hurts."
A gas station owner near Camden, New Jersey, was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read,
“Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly,he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close! The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but NO free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother,
"I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My WIFE won twice last week."
“Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly,he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close! The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but NO free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother,
"I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My WIFE won twice last week."
Subject: Wife's Butt....
Man looks at his wife & says "Your butt is big I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill" he got a measuring tape, measured the grill, & measured her bottom. "I was right, your butt is 2" wider than the grill" The woman ignored him. Later that night...t the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks, she replies "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big grill for one little weenie"
Man looks at his wife & says "Your butt is big I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill" he got a measuring tape, measured the grill, & measured her bottom. "I was right, your butt is 2" wider than the grill" The woman ignored him. Later that night...t the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks, she replies "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big grill for one little weenie"