Off-Topic Joke Thread

New bar

Four old duffers strolling along when they spy a new place across the street....

Hey that's a new bar,isn't it? Sure is; says one,lets go over and examine it.
Looks nice , Over they go and in the window is a sign. ALL DRINKS $.10 .....

Can't be true, it's a come on. Let go in and call them on it........

So in they go, nice guy behind the bar asks what would they have. Each ordered up his favorite.
Bartender sets them up. How do we pay, each serving or run a tab?
Your call, no problem either way........
We will pay as we go, so what do we owe now.
Bartender says $.40.

This is good. So they have another round. And another.

Finally one confides to the barkeep: "You gonna go broke on your prices".

Why did you set up here this way?

Bartender says he just won a 16 million dollar lottery, always wanted a bar, bought this place, remodeled it, stocked it, and wants to share his good luck with the good people of the hood.

Oh, so this is understandable now. Another round is had by all.

One guy peers into the darker rear area and jerking his thumb inquires:
Why aren't those guys back there drinking?

Bartender replies:
Oh, they are all from Missouri and are waiting for happy hour when drinks go half price.

(Or your "favorite" state.)
 
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Subject: 'What a coincidence'


A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man.
'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'.
 
Missing Alaskan Wife






The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. holfinsburger, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.



"Tell me! Did you find her?" Hoppy shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an ashen Hoppy said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." "Oh no!" exclaimed Hoppy. Swallowing hard, he asked, "And what's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25 pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."



Stunned, Hoppy demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
 
Snotty Receptionist

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......

The waiting room was filled with patients.


As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.



In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS
 
Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the **** out of him.
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
A Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
We were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
Reunion , and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
Drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
Right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
Hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
Celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
To me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
Something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
Making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
Thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
Grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
Scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
The house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
Grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
Lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the
Boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
Downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
Garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
Would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
Into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
Anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
Terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
Stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
About 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
For Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
Verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
Home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
To go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
Me and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
The Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
Your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________
 
A BIBLE FOR MOM

Four brothers left home for college one by one, and they eventually became
successful doctors and lawyers .

One evening , they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed
the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who had moved
to Florida.

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " And I had a large theatre built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher
who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took ten
preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000
a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to
name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her
Thank You notes.

She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only
one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm
nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the
Good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was
delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mom
 
THE POWER OF BEER


A man goes into a bar and drinks beer. After every glass of beer he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it. After the 4th beer the waiter asks him why after every glass of beer he pulls the picture out and looks at it.


Then the man says: It's a picture of my wife.

When she looks good to me I'm going home. That is an example of the "The Power of Beer" Be sure to click where it says "click here" (That's the cute part)



Click Here http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00622/beer_goggles_622180a.swf
Then push the beer glass to the right
 
Being Polite





The Polite Way to Call Someone a Bastard



A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.



They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.



The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.



The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."



The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"


The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
 
Subject: no underwear
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting

on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on

from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone

to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the

waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here

with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.

This is your grandma's idea.
 
How to know when you have to much to drink.

A man goes into a bar and drinks beer. After every glass of beer he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it. After the 4th beer the waiter asks him why after every glass of beer he pulls the picture out and looks at it.


Then the man says: It's a picture of my wife.

When she looks good to me I'm going home. That is an example of the "The Power of Beer" Be sure to click where it says "click here" (That's the cute part)

>Click Here
http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00622/beer_goggles_622180a.swf

Then push the beer glass to the right.
 
Boudreaux & Band-Aids (that's pronounced BOO-dro, for y'all
not familiar with Louisiana)

Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening
with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux. He took off his shoes to avoid
waking his wife, Clotile. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the
stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and
he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke
and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Boudreaux
sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see
that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a
full box of Band-Aids and began putting Band-Aids best he could on each
place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and
shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you
Boudreaux?" Boudreaux said, "My chere, why you say such a mean ting?"

"Well," Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly,
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."
 
I was feeling real down and called a friend. He said lets go eat and have a few drinks.
Be good for you. We go to a restaurant, eat and have some wine. Have dessert and some
more wine. Then we just had some more wine.......

I'm thinking. DUI, arrest, bond, lawyer, fine, and license pulled.
Not good. So I took a bus home.

At home I reviewed over some coffee. No DUI, no arrest, no bond, no lawyer, no fine, and
license is safe. Didn't stand the chance of an accident and injury to myself or others.

Was feeling pretty good about the whole evening until i remembered..........


I had never driven a bus before.........
 
After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said,

"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you
still have intercourse?"


"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush .


You could hear
a pin drop.


Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told

you a hundred times...What we have is...





Blue
Cross!"
 
Subject: That could'a been me!







I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green, when a carload of young, loud, Muslims shouting anti-American slogans stopped next to me. When the light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me.


Suddenly, an 18-wheeler shoots thru the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely! For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man that could have been me!"


So today, bright & early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.


=
 
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