Off-Topic Joke Thread

A lesson on geography and aging







Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!



Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.



Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.



Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.



Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.



Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel,has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.



Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada,self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.



After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN



Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran ,

ruled by nuts.



THE END.
 
Would You Marry Again? - Priceless

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over
at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What
would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of
course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why
wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay,
okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You
would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes
audible groan)

WIFE: "Would
you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure,
it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would
you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where
else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would
you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would
you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That
would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would
you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm
sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would
you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes,
those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would
she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No,
she's left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence --

HUSBAND:
"sheet."
 
Wisdom Of A Retiree !!


I've often been asked, 'What do you folks do now that you're retired?
Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background,
One of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch , and margaritas into urine.

Life is good, live it.
 
Cancel your credit card before you die.

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange:
Family Member: I am calling to tell you she died back in January.

Citibank: The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.

Family Member: Maybe you should turn it over to collections.

Citibank: Since it is two months past due, it already has been.

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?

Citibank: Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!

Family Member: Do you think God will be mad at her?

Citibank: Excuse me?

Family Member: Did you just get what I was telling you, the part about her being dead?

Citibank: Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.

Citibank: The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.

Family Member: You mean you want to collect from her estate?

Citibank: (Stammer) Are you her lawyer?

Family Member: No, I'm her great nephew.

(Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: Could you fax us a certificate of death?

Family Member: Sure. (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.

Family Member: Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.

Citibank: Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.

(What is wrong with these people)

Family Member: Would you like her new billing address?

Citibank: That might help.

Family Member: Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.

Citibank: Sir, that's a cemetery!

Family Member: And what do you do with dead people on your planet?


And you wondered why Citibank needed help from the Feds?
 
Cancel your credit card before you die.

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange:
Family Member: I am calling to tell you she died back in January.

Citibank: The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.

Family Member: Maybe you should turn it over to collections.

Citibank: Since it is two months past due, it already has been.

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?

Citibank: Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!

Family Member: Do you think God will be mad at her?

Citibank: Excuse me?

Family Member: Did you just get what I was telling you, the part about her being dead?

Citibank: Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.

Citibank: The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.

Family Member: You mean you want to collect from her estate?

Citibank: (Stammer) Are you her lawyer?

Family Member: No, I'm her great nephew.

(Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: Could you fax us a certificate of death?

Family Member: Sure. (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.

Family Member: Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.

Citibank: Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.

(What is wrong with these people)

Family Member: Would you like her new billing address?

Citibank: That might help.

Family Member: Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.

Citibank: Sir, that's a cemetery!

Family Member: And what do you do with dead people on your planet?


And you wondered why Citibank needed help from the Feds?

:LMAO:Very funny and uncanny as well.THis sh** really happens,my mother
past last august- GOD rest her - several months later I still get phone calls
and letters wanting someone to take care of that final bill. First offering
condolence then pyle-drive you with are u or who will take care of this bill.
By then I hang-up and the mail, I return to sender. AT&T,AMR and one
other wrote it off after I sent a letter w/copy of D.C. But a few are still
trying,what a waste of resource and time.
This really happens :chairshot:SWI.
 
Gung ho officer.

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old truck driver
home from the road.He tells the driver, "I need to inspect your ranch for
illegally grown drugs". The driver says, "Okay but do not go in that field
over there", as he points out the location. The officer verbally explodes;
saying, "Mister I have the authority of the federal government with me".
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly
displays it to the driver. See this badge? I am allowed to go wherever I
wish on US soil to inspect. Do you understand? Are we clear? The driver
nods and apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old driver hears loud screams and sees the DEA
officer running for his life chased by the driver's big Santa Gertrudis Bull.

With every step the Bull is gaining ground on the officer,and it seems
likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.With officer still
screaming, the driver throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells
at the top of his lungs......Your badge! Show him your BADGE!
 
Subject: The Blind Bunny







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------













I love this one.








One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the
Bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on
His twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I
Didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the
Snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm
Blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal
Are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny..
'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and
Find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he
Said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and
A little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny
Rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But
By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either,
And the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished,
The snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he
Replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must
Be a POLITICIAN'
 


The Blonde and the Pilot

This is the story of a blonde taking her first flying lesson in a two-seater airplane with just the instructor. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My instructor had a heart attack and is dead, and I don't know how to fly.

Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a calm, steady voice over the radio saying: "This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be just fine! Now give me your height and position.."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the calm voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father Who art in Heaven. . . .."
 
Redneck Vasectomy...

Redneck Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, an resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.
LOL
 
Redneck Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, an resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.
LOL

Redneck vasectomy - YouTube
 
A rich blonde buys the New Automatic BMW X6 Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night the car just won't move at all. She tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.

She then furiously calls the BMW dealer and they send out a technician to her, the technician asks: Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?? Full of anger, the blonde replies: "You fool, idiot man, how could you could ask such a question, I'm not stupid...hello....I use D for the Day and N for the Night!
 
Flying lessons

Blonde wants to learn to fly.
Inquires at airport and gets with an instructor to go up and "See what its like up there".
They flip a few passes around the field and she is enthralled. This is for her.
She shouts back that she wants to start lessons right away. No reply.
Looks back and the instructor has suffered a heart attack and is dead.

She has seen him talking with the ground on the mike hanging down so she grabs it.

Mayday, Mayday..... I'm up here and my pilot had died and I don't know how to fly this thing
and I need help...... Help please....

Voice comes back. Cool and calm.

Don't fret lady. We can manage this. I have experience in these situations and have talked
two other people safely down, we will have you on the ground in no time.

Now a couple of questions.......
Give me your height and location so we can confirm you on radar, OK?

Well, i am 5'3" and in the front seat....

QUIET.. QUIET... Then, the same cool calm voice begins"

OUR FATHER, WHO ART IN HEAVEN.............
 

Old Timers Sex
This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'




'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence
 
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