A wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that ?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw" says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replied her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more new Jaguars in the garage at Christmas and no more yacht club. But, the decision is yours, my dear."
Just then, a male friend of the husbands enters the restaurant with a gorgeous blond babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with George ?" demands the wife.
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, an aggie in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The aggie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That 's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The aggie thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You 're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That 's correct," says the aggie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for
that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the
rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal
lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is
the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road
and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man
"I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car
and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the
two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves
again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again
and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
(Are you ready for this?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
Restores life to dead hare,
and adds permanent wave."
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, " Murphy , I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy , I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn 's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn 's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said;" After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh ?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ' I remembered where I left me hat."
A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the
hanger in San Francisco; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them
says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel - that'll kinda give you a
So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin'
buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and he
knows his head will explode if he gets up. But it doesn't. He gets up
and feels good, in fact, he feels great! NO hangover!
The phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you
feel?" He says, "I feel great!!" and his buddy says, "I feel great
too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No - that jet fuel is
great stuff! No hangover! We ought to do this more often!"
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."
"Did you fart yet?"
"Did you FART yet??"
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!"