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Off-Topic Joke Thread

Why It's Best To Drink..

Sometimes

when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I

feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the vineyards and all of

their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this

wine, they might be out of work and their dreams

would be shattered.

Then I say

to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine

and let their dreams come true than be selfish

and worry about my liver."
~ Jack

Handy

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may leave you

wondering what the hell happened to your bra and

panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






"I feel

sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake

up in the morning, that's as good as they're

going to feel all day."
~Frank

Sinatra

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may create the

illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster

and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




"When

I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up

reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may lead you

to

think

people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




"24

hours in a day, 24 beers in a case .

Coincidence? I think not."
~

Stephen Wright

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to

think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




"When

we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we

fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no

sin.

When we

commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's

all

get drunk

and go to heaven!"
~

Brian O'Rourke

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause

pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




"Beer

is proof that God loves us and wants us to be

happy."
~

Benjamin Franklin

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in

dancing like a ******.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without

question, the greatest invention in the history

of mankind is beer.

Oh, I

grant you that the wheel was also a fine

invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as

well with pizza."
~

Dave Barry

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell

your friends over and over again that you love

them!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some

it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.

Salvation in a can!
~Dave

Howell

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think

you can logically converse with members of the

opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




And

saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff

Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers,

Cliff Clavin was explaining theBuffalo Theory to

his buddy Norm.
Here's how it

went:

"Well

ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo

can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.

And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest

and weakest ones at the back that are killed

first.

This

natural selection is good for the herd as a

whole, because the general speed and health of

the whole group keeps improving by the regular

killing of the weakest members.

In much

the same way, the human brain can only operate

as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive

intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain

cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and

weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular

consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain

cells, making the brain a faster and more

efficient machine. That's why you always feel

smarter after a few beers."

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think

you are whispering when you are

not.
 
mustache said:
Sometimes

when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I

feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the vineyards and all of

their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this

wine, they might be out of work and their dreams

would be shattered.

Then I say

to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine

and let their dreams come true than be selfish

and worry about my liver."
~ Jack

Handy

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may leave you

wondering what the hell happened to your bra and

panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






"I feel

sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake

up in the morning, that's as good as they're

going to feel all day."
~Frank

Sinatra

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may create the

illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster

and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




"When

I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up

reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may lead you

to

think

people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




"24

hours in a day, 24 beers in a case .

Coincidence? I think not."
~

Stephen Wright

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to

think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




"When

we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we

fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no

sin.

When we

commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's

all

get drunk

and go to heaven!"
~

Brian O'Rourke

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause

pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




"Beer

is proof that God loves us and wants us to be

happy."
~

Benjamin Franklin

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in

dancing like a ******.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without

question, the greatest invention in the history

of mankind is beer.

Oh, I

grant you that the wheel was also a fine

invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as

well with pizza."
~

Dave Barry

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell

your friends over and over again that you love

them!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some

it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.

Salvation in a can!
~Dave

Howell

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think

you can logically converse with members of the

opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




And

saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff

Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers,

Cliff Clavin was explaining theBuffalo Theory to

his buddy Norm.
Here's how it

went:

"Well

ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo

can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.

And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest

and weakest ones at the back that are killed

first.

This

natural selection is good for the herd as a

whole, because the general speed and health of

the whole group keeps improving by the regular

killing of the weakest members.

In much

the same way, the human brain can only operate

as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive

intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain

cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and

weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular

consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain

cells, making the brain a faster and more

efficient machine. That's why you always feel

smarter after a few beers."

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think

you are whispering when you are

not.
Click to expand...
They're all great. Dave Barry IMO best.
 
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hand except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he decided to be different.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why not?"

"Because I'm a Republican," Johnny replied.

The teacher asked him why he was a Republican.

Little Johnny said, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and so is my Dad, so I guess I'm a Republican."

Clearly annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your Mom were a moron and your Dad were an idiot, what would that make you?"

Little Johnny smiled, then said, "Ma'am, that would make me an Obama fan."
 
Drafting Guys Over 60

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-*****.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.
 
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''

Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk
 
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, Genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

”You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. “I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?"
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men... are men!
 
Dead Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."



"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"



"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead."



"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"



"Si, Senor, that's the one."



"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"



"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."



"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"



"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."



"Dead horse? What dead horse?"



"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."



"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"



"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."



"Are you insane? What water cart?"



"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."



"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"



"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."



"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"



"Yes, Senor Rod."



"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"



"For the funeral, Senor Rod."



"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"



"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Skeet Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock. "



SILENCE...........



LONG SILENCE.........



VERY LONG SILENCE...............



"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep s__t."
 
Love Story for Golfers:

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the Husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you."Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. "Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha replied, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So, do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
 
Cowboy in a pharmacy

A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the
pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the
store, there were no males employed there.



She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional
and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident
that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for
me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of
problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could
give me for it.
'The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.'
When she returned, she said, 'We discussed it at length and the
absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car,
and $3,000 a month, plus living expenses.' [/B]
 
An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a

confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of

the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"



Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To

everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack one day.



His wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, her

neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he

may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the

rest of your life?"



The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know

he won't ask for directions."
 
Man in divorce court hears judge's decision.

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
 
Forgot to post this one on Monday...


A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62 also"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
 
Answering Machine Message............. "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes ." :nutkick:
 
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