Off-Topic Joke Thread

Answering Machine Message............. "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes ." :nutkick:

I modified it a little...

"Hello, this is YRC Freight. We're not able to answer the phone right now, but thank you for calling for a pickup. We're currently making changes to our system. If we miss your pickup, you are one of the changes."
 
I modified it a little...

"Hello, this is YRC Freight. We're not able to answer the phone right now, but thank you for calling for a pickup. We're currently making changes to our system. If we miss your pickup, you are one of the changes."

Good point ! :6799:
 
I wonder how the chickens feel about this.............................................



Reminds me of another joke.

Man #1. Have you ever seen an egg plant?
Man #2. Yes. As a matter of fact I have.
Man #1. Well, then you've been pretty far up a chicken's @$$!
 
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.

My work is done here.
 
My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."



She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.



My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.



I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.



The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.



She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.



Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.



I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
 
I Miss My Golf...


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if
you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in
the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her
persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his
hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands
inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
attachment;jsessionid=aaaeY7FITuI4r-TsIUwwu



Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's
broken!
 

Guy shows up @ the Pearly Gates:

St. Peter asks, "How did you get here?"

Guy answers, "I came home from my tour overseas and wanted to surprise my wife. When I walk in the house, I find her with another man. I cannot believe he is there, so I chase him through the house and when I get to the kitchen, I see out the window, a guy running across the front lawn. So I pick up the refrigerator and throw it out the window at him and lo' and behold I have a heart attack. That's why I ended up here."

St. Peter says, "You are welcome to enter."

Guy 2 shows up @ the Pearly Gates:

St. Peter asks, "How did you get here?"

Guy 2 answers, "I was running across this yard and I got hit by a refrigerator!!"

St. Peter says, "Sounds kinda funny, you are welcome to enter."

Guy 3 shows up @ the Pearly Gates:

St. Peter asks, "How did you get here?"

Guy 3 says, "I was in this refrigerator........"
 
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.. as it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Supermarket trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
 
Lemon Harvester

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs , Florida decided to take
one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and voted twice for Obama.
 
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