Off-Topic Joke Thread

Words From A Pilot...

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next
to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the
descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance
to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude,
the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent
on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,
"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
 
A water Bed in a German furniture store.
Note that the sign says
NOT to get on the bed,
but oh well..the best way to motivate people to do
something is to put up a sign saying
"Don't.....!"


 
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and since they had a lot of shopping left to do, she called him on his cellphone and said, "Where are you, you know we have lot more people to buy Christmas presents for."
He said, “You remember the
.jeweler’s we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn’t afford it at the time and I said that one day I’d get it for you."
Tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "Yes,” she replied, “I do remember that shop."
"Well," he said,"I’m in the bar next to that
 
The Farmer's dilemma
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the Hardware Store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.

Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy Smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chicken
s.'
 
Health advice from Dr. Lo

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it. Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain - good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NO LISTEN! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 
Subject: Sometimes Seniors do not understand Directions very well.



I WENT TO MY NEARBY CVS PHARMACY, STRAIGHT TO THE BACK, WHERE THEPHARMACISTS' HIGH COUNTER IS LOCATED.

I TOOK OUT MY LITTLE BROWN BOTTLE, ALONG WITH A TEASPOON, AND SET
THEM UP ON THE COUNTER.

THE PHARMACIST CAME OVER, SMILED, AND ASKED IF HE COULD HELP ME.

I SAID, "YES! COULD YOU PLEASE TASTE THIS FOR ME?"

SEEING A SENIOR CITIZEN, THE PHARMACIST WENT ALONG.HE TOOK THE SPOON, PUT A TINY BIT OF THE LIQUID ON IT, PUT IT ONHISTONGUE AND SWILLED IT AROUND.

THEN, WITH A STOMACH-CHURNING LOOK ON HIS FACE, HE SPAT IT OUT ON
THE FLOOR AND BEGAN COUGHING.

WHEN HE FINALLY WAS FINISHED, I LOOKED HIM RIGHT IN THE EYE AND
ASKED, "NOW, DOES THAT TASTE SWEET TO YOU?"

THE PHARMACIST, SHAKING HIS HEAD BACK AND FORTH WITH A VENOMOUS
LOOK IN HIS EYES YELLED, "HELL NO!!!"
I SAID, "OH, THANK GOD! THAT'S A REAL RELIEF! MY DOCTOR TOLD ME
TO HAVE A PHARMACIST TEST MY URINE FOR SUGAR!"

I CAN NEVER GO BACK TO THAT CVS, BUT I REALLY DON'T CARE, BECAUSE
THEY AREN'T VERY FRIENDLY THERE ANYMORE!
 
How cute is that little face!

.
original


This is Lexi.

She's an 8 week-old German Shepherd I bought as a surprise for my wife.

But it turns out my wife is allergic to dogs so we are now trying to find her a new home.

She is 39 years old, a beautiful and caring woman, a great cook and keeps a good house.
 
Subject: Italian funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

- A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

- Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.

- Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The Italian man responded, "My wife's."

''What happened to her?" asked the Jewish man.

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." said the Italian.

The Jewish man inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?" asked the Jewish man.

The Italian replied, "Get in line."
 
Subject: Unions....don't yah just love um


The Hookers Union A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, “Is this a union house?” “No,” she replied, “I’m sorry it isn’t.” “Well, if I pay you $100., what cut do the girls get?” “The house gets $80.. and the girls get $20., “ she answered. Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable,hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, ‘Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.” The man asked, “And I pay you $100., what cut do the girls get?” “The girls get $80. and the house gets $20.” “That’s more like it!” the union man said. He handed the Madam $100., looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. “I’d like her,” he said. “I’m sure you would sir,” said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules,she’s nex
 
Subject: Unions....don't yah just love um


The Hookers Union A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, “Is this a union house?” “No,” she replied, “I’m sorry it isn’t.” “Well, if I pay you $100., what cut do the girls get?” “The house gets $80.. and the girls get $20., “ she answered. Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable,hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, ‘Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.” The man asked, “And I pay you $100., what cut do the girls get?” “The girls get $80. and the house gets $20.” “That’s more like it!” the union man said. He handed the Madam $100., looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. “I’d like her,” he said. “I’m sure you would sir,” said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules,she’s nex

That joke is almost as old as Ethel!
 
I want 4 little animals...
Mama taught her well! You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make.
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.
The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.
 
Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time nothing happens."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00 am. I pee like a racehorse, no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30 am."

Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 am and crap every morning at 6:30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."....
 
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62 also!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
 
Subject: Unions....don't yah just love um


The Hookers Union A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, “Is this a union house?” “No,” she replied, “I’m sorry it isn’t.” “Well, if I pay you $100., what cut do the girls get?” “The house gets $80.. and the girls get $20., “ she answered. Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable,hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, ‘Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.” The man asked, “And I pay you $100., what cut do the girls get?” “The girls get $80. and the house gets $20.” “That’s more like it!” the union man said. He handed the Madam $100., looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. “I’d like her,” he said. “I’m sure you would sir,” said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules,she’s nex
Being top dog on the Seniority Board, I wonder if Ethel suffers from excessive ******* on any given work day? And if she does suffer such ‘injury’ from said excessive pleasure in the work place, what are her chances of a successful workman’s comp plain? Just asking. Von.
 
That joke is almost as old as Ethel!
Being top dog on the Seniority Board, I wonder if Ethel suffers from excessive ******* on any given work day? And if she does suffer such ‘injury’ from said excessive pleasure in the work place, what are her chances of a successful workman’s comp plain? Just asking. Von.
 
Subject: Irish compassion

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available...............
 
A lady & a man were passing each other on a side walk, the lady noticed the man's fly was down & said excuse me sir but i noticed your garage door was open. The man smiled & said did you see my big custom Harley in there? The lady quickly replied No Sir but i did see a mini-bike with two flat tires....
 
Senior wedding...

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "OK then, we'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
 
A True Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its said to be true!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'
 
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