Off-Topic Joke Thread

While on a Road Trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they resumed their trip. When leaving the elderly woman unknowingly had forgotten her glasses, but did not miss them until they were about 40 minutes into the trip. By then, to add to the aggravation they had to travel some distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
Along the way he became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly for the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just would not let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her. "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and credit card!"

This week is National Senior Mental Health Week.

You can do your part by contacting at least one unstable Senior to show you care......

I have now done my part
A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee- wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.
The bear remover....

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.
Put 2 lesbians in a closet add 2 bottles of Jack Daniel's whiskey, shake & stir, you now can call it a Licker Cabinet. I mean, never mind.
Sol Horowitz is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"Bernie my son, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"Sybil my daughter you take the apartments over in the east end."

"Hymie my son, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Ruth, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Sol slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Horowitz, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Ruth replies, "Property? What property? .............. the jerk had a paper route!"
Hell getting old!!!
Car Keys
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The car was nowhere in the parking lot. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice."Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped YOU off!" Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"Welcome to the Golden Years
There was this election held for the IBT general president... and only about 18 percent voted.... the other 82 percent didn't vote....
That is 18% who bothered to send in their vote. Very sad, but hey, you reap what you sow. The last General Election they had 26% show up. Those 1 million who did not vote must be very happy with the current regime.
That is 18% who bothered to send in their vote. Very sad, but hey, you reap what you sow. The last General Election they had 26% show up. Those 1 million who did not vote must be very happy with the current regime.
Probably, if the truth be known, the majority of the votes sent in were from UPS, ABF, and the YRCW companies.
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