twisted-hippie
Twisted Herb Plantation CEO
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Has anybody tried this ? 
Off-Topic Joke Thread
- Thread starter Wrench97
- Start date
vongrimmenstein
I stand for our flag, & kneel for the fallen
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Why did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his WHOPPER.
mysticobra
Over Here Now.
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OK... Need to start a new joke thread... Lol.
vongrimmenstein
I stand for our flag, & kneel for the fallen
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That bad? von.
vongrimmenstein
I stand for our flag, & kneel for the fallen
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Ok, a different path. Cowboy walks in to a bar with his horse. Bartender says why the long face. Cowboy says, which one? No? Ok, put 2 lesbians in a closet, add 2 bottles of whiskey, shake & stir, you can now call it a 'Licker Cabinet'. I have to leave now & search for new material. von.
mysticobra
Over Here Now.
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Lol.
Elderly driver...
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late-model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving. What is your name?"
She said my name is Penelope. "Well, yes, I am elderly," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough, that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."
He asked "What do you mean, everyone needs a license to drive?"
She responded, "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes, and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,'You won't need this anymore.' So I thanked him and left!"
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late-model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving. What is your name?"
She said my name is Penelope. "Well, yes, I am elderly," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough, that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."
He asked "What do you mean, everyone needs a license to drive?"
She responded, "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes, and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,'You won't need this anymore.' So I thanked him and left!"
Two businessmen in a new shopping mall were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be-opening new shop.
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some retiree is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old guy walked up to the window, had a peek, and asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the retiree said, “Must be doing well, Only two left."
Moral of the story, don't mess with the older crowd!
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some retiree is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old guy walked up to the window, had a peek, and asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the retiree said, “Must be doing well, Only two left."
Moral of the story, don't mess with the older crowd!
Policeman escorted a man whose wife was missing into the morgue to identify a body.
He removed the sheet, the man began to cry hysterically, policeman says I'm very sorry
I see you and your wife must have been very close.
Guy says "I hated her guts" Well why are crying?
ITS NOT HER
He removed the sheet, the man began to cry hysterically, policeman says I'm very sorry
I see you and your wife must have been very close.
Guy says "I hated her guts" Well why are crying?
ITS NOT HER
I may be on the wrong thread because this story is true!!
When I retired from trucking in1990, I took a couple of online courses and became a doctor
While working in the emergency room, a guy came in yelling "MY WIFE IS HAVING HER BABY IN THE CAB OUTSIDE"
I grabbed my bag, ran to the cab and started pulling off her underwear, I suddenly realized there were several cabs around.
I was in the wrong cab.
Diets and Dying
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
skullcramp
Government Seal
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Being at the age of having to endure the annual finger test prior to colonoscopy's, my doc said " one last thing, lean over the table
I'll be right back" I waited a few minutes, and the door opened and without so much as an I'm back, I felt the unwelcome invasion.
I thought i must be getting older because i don't remember her fingers being that big. It went on a lot longer than I remembered too. All I heard was a couple of "uh uh, mm uh uh" and then relief. Not a word, the door shut and then opened a couple of seconds later. My doc walked in and said "Who was that guy?"
I'll be right back" I waited a few minutes, and the door opened and without so much as an I'm back, I felt the unwelcome invasion.
I thought i must be getting older because i don't remember her fingers being that big. It went on a lot longer than I remembered too. All I heard was a couple of "uh uh, mm uh uh" and then relief. Not a word, the door shut and then opened a couple of seconds later. My doc walked in and said "Who was that guy?"
Try'n Hard
SITUATION CRITICAL..... but not serious
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In 1986, a young man named Peter Davies from Chicago was on Holiday in Kenya after his college graduation. During a hike through the bush, he came upon a young bull elephant standing with his right front leg in the air. The elephant was in obvious distress , so Peter apporached the elephant carefully for a better look. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it....As carefully as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which, the relieved giant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant looked down upon Peter with what seemed to be a curious expression... It stared at him for several tense moments. Peter knelt before this young giant frozen, thinking only of being trampled to death....Eventually, the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away... Peter would never forget that encounter which would make a lasting impression on him for life....
Twenty years later, Peter was visiting the Chicago zoo with his young son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned toward them and began to approach Peter and his son. The large bull elephant looked down at Peter, lifted it's right front foot off the ground. The elephant did this repeatedly while trumpeting loudly and staring at the pair. Recalling his incredible encounter in 1986, Peter could not help but wonder if it was possible that this was the same young bull he had encountered so many years before.... Peter summoned up his courage, climbed the railing into the enclosure, and walked right up to the bull elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted loudly, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs, and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.....
Probably wasn't the same elephant....!
The elephant looked down upon Peter with what seemed to be a curious expression... It stared at him for several tense moments. Peter knelt before this young giant frozen, thinking only of being trampled to death....Eventually, the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away... Peter would never forget that encounter which would make a lasting impression on him for life....
Twenty years later, Peter was visiting the Chicago zoo with his young son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned toward them and began to approach Peter and his son. The large bull elephant looked down at Peter, lifted it's right front foot off the ground. The elephant did this repeatedly while trumpeting loudly and staring at the pair. Recalling his incredible encounter in 1986, Peter could not help but wonder if it was possible that this was the same young bull he had encountered so many years before.... Peter summoned up his courage, climbed the railing into the enclosure, and walked right up to the bull elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted loudly, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs, and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.....
Probably wasn't the same elephant....!
OLDER people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
A 75-year-old man was having his sperm count tested. He was asked by his doctor for a sperm sample as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 75-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing ..."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that darn jar open."
So sad to grow old.
A 75-year-old man was having his sperm count tested. He was asked by his doctor for a sperm sample as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 75-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing ..."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that darn jar open."
So sad to grow old.
A father told each of his 3 sons as he sent them off to college, "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, the doctor son put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of his father.
Then, the financial planner son also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer son's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
The lawyer son is now running for Congress in your district.
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, the doctor son put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of his father.
Then, the financial planner son also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer son's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
The lawyer son is now running for Congress in your district.
